Thursday, December 09, 2010

The Fifth Annual Weisman Award Goes To:

Suck it, haters.
Today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fifth year that we've done this now and I've nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has it's own version of the Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the Weisman Award. It is (obviously) named after Derek Weisman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. I literally have zero to say about him because he added nothing to everything. But I remember him and his last name rhymes with Heisman so here is his 15 minutes of "fame". Past Weisman Award winners:

2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow
2009 - Toby Gerhart

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Eddie George beat out Tommie Frazier in 1995, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. We did last year since Gerhart was CLEARLY the better RB throughout the season.  We correctly awarded Tebow back-to-back since Navajo Sam shit the bed in his biggest game.  And we ignored Troy Smiff because Colt was an unstoppable force on the football field and the rape field. 

We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass. EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curbstomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tebow lost out on a 3rd straight Weisman unfortunately. This is why Terrelle Pryor is not and will never be considered (he doesn't bring the thunder every week like he should). Kellen Moore does not get an invite to the ceremony because he got his ass beat by Nevada.  It's time to embrace the best of the best and crown the 2010 Weisman Award winner.

The invitees:
Justin Blackmon, WR, Okie St. - No one could cover him all year.  The only thing that slowed him down was a breathalyzer.
First half of the year Denard Robinson, QB, Michigan - I will only allow him to stay for the first half of this ceremony and then he has to leave.
Patrick Peterson, CB/KR, LSU - Sickest defensive player I've seen in a long time.
Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford - Eh, whatevs.
The Wisconsin Three-headed RB Machine - White Clay Balls have to show up in Human Centipede form but look at these combined numbers:  465 carries, 2829 yards, 44 touchdowns.  Yeah, that is nasty.

The 2010 winner of The Money Shot's Weisman Award is...Cam Newton, QB, Auburn.

Don't hate.  Respect the talent, greatness, and athleticism of the best player in college football in a long time.  I don't know about you, but I can't remember ever saying, "I've got to watch that Auburn game".  Because Auburn is historically not very interesting to me.  I said that a lot this season though.  He actually made Auburn football exciting.  Do you remember when Kodi Burns was the QB?  Terrible.  Not to get all homo here, but Newton on the football field truly is a joy to watch.  Let's be honest, the Heisman and the Weisman has very little intrigue this year just because it's only a formality as to who wins it.  But I want to rant a bit on something that angers me.

How the fuck can a handful of these sanctimonious, grandstanding media dicks completely leave Newton off of their Heisman ballots?  That is ridiculous.  The only statement that they are making is that they are dickless idiots just trying to make a name for themselves so that some stupid radio show in Macon, GA will call them up for an on-air interview.  It's embarrassing.  Whether you agree with the NCAA ruling or not, it doesn't matter.  No one's opinion matters except for the governing body over college football.  If they are going to deem that Cam Newton, the student athlete, is cleared to play then that should be good enough.  It is for me.  Don't give me this bullshit that you are going to leave him off to ensure INTEGRITY for the award.  That's a bunch of pigshit.  Did you have a problem giving Troy Smith the award after he was caught accepting a $500 handshake?  How's it coming along trying to get OJ's award back?  Billy Cannon took a shit ton of cash in the 50's, got caught, and he still has his.  These same cunts that voted for Rashan Salaam are now going to complain about the integrity of the Heisman trophy?  Surely you jest.

This is fucking COLLEGE FOOTBALL.  The home of bribes and payouts.  There is no integrity here.  And what happens if this all gets flushed out, Cam Newton is proven without a shadow of a doubt that nothing illegal happened, and this was nothing like Reggie Bush at all?  Will these assholes apologize?  Of course not!  That's not the way things work with loudmouth windbags like Bruce Hooley.

And seriously, who else is there to vote for anyway this year that is even remotely in the same stratusphere as Newton?  There isn't anyone.  Fortunately for Cam, the Weisman vote was unanimous which is more than we can say about the Heisman.  So congrats, Cam, and may you not get fat and lazy over your break.  I enjoy the thought of you running for your life behind the Redskins line next year until you get paralyzed.

Anyone else pumped for the final 30 For 30 on Saturday night chronicling the dirty SMU program.  I hope to hell that it paints Craig James in a horrible light.


Grumpy said...

Are you going to make a big announcement in 3-5 years when he has to return the Weisman?

I hope it was all Craig James' fault.

Drew said...

Cam Newton definitely deserves it. Did you see they showed his water bottle during the SEC Championship and it's label said, "Camy Cam's Juice"?

Tebow did not deserve it last year. SUH did. Tebow was and still is incredibly overrated. He sucks.

Thoughts on Crawford to Boston? So far this off-season they have blown the doors off your Yankees. Cliff Lee should put himself on EBay and just let NYY and TEX bid til' the buzzer.

GMoney said...

Tebow wasn't even in consideration last year, jagoff.

The Weisman has a No Return Policy and it is strictly enforced.

Anonymous said...

I don't see how you couldn't vote for Cam either. If you don't, how awful would you feel if later on you found that he actually did nothing wrong (not likely). You have to assume he's innocent until you hear otherwise.

I can see why you'd make the T Smith connection, but it doesn't really apply in this case. If T Smith didn't get the heisman for taking money (even though it was a year earlier), then I agree that Cam shouldn't win for being a thug at Florida. The difference is that they're only not voting for Cam because they are speculating he was ineligible THIS season. Get off Smith's back!!


GMoney said...

I have no problem with Smiff's win eventhough I thought that Colt was better. I get why he won. Quit getting all butt-hurt every time that someone says something marginally negative about one of your precious Fuckeyes.

Bruce Hooley is a faggot.

Drew said...

SUH still should have won last year. Patrick Patterson will be a Detroit Lion next year...mark that shit down...feel bad for him.

No thoughts on Carl? Yankees just added a seventh year to the Cliff offer....desperate times.

GMoney said...

Look in the post below, asshole. It's been there all goddamn day. You can have all the Patrick Patterson's you want. I would rather have Patrick Peterson. God, you're dumb today. More than usual.

Drew said...

My brain must have been flashing back to that shitty Patrick Patterson basketballl player at UK.

But, yeah...Patrick Peterson will be a Lion.

Mr. Ace said...

Why not throw in some NBA too? Manny Harris was the first player off the bench for the Cavs and got 21 mins last night with 6 points, 2 reb, 2 ass, and 2 steals. Who needs Bron with that kind of effort from Manny.

Cam did everybody else. Bruce Hooley licks Spielman's scrote and gargles his sperm.

Anonymous said...

The Heisman started being gay and has not returned from homo status ever since Jason White beat Larry Fitzgerald out for the Heisman in 2003. 1,700 yards and 22 TD catches with Rod Rutherford quarterbacking is probably the most impressive WR year we have ever seen...especially considering that Rod Rutherford is fucking terrible. I haven't given a shit about the Heisman ever since Lawrence was publically buttfucked out of this award.

Drew said...

Damn straight Iceman. White and his 45 lb knee braces had no business winning that over Fitzgerald. I bet he's not even capable of throwing passes to Fitzgerald on a high school field over the summer these days.

Mr. Ace said...

I would like to take partial credit for Fitz not taking down the Heisman that year. His Top 5 Pitt team rolled into the Glass Bowl and got stomped by my Toledo Rockets as I screamed my drunken face off. That Pitt loss was responsible for a couple broken spinal cords inside the Glass Bowl, making Fitz responsible for manslaughter. So the Heisman committee couldn't possibly give him the award.

But Gradkowski got robbed that year.