Wednesday, October 13, 2010

How Long Can I Use Jet Lag As An Excuse?

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Ace!
I'm back, men.  My butthole is still a virgin.  I am determined that for every hour that one spends in an airport, they lose a day off of their life.  Because wasting a day travelling sucks big balls.  I've got a few stories today:  Delta sucks, you don't look gay, bikes are for fags, the Blue Angels can eat shit, the NFL is terrifying, the vomit heard round the world, and of course, the greatest purchase of my life.  Let's get going because I've got something like 8 hours of TV to get in tonight.

Delta Sucks - Now God dammit, any flight that is going to be longer than 2 hours should ALWAYS have a TV option for passengers.  Our flight from Minny to SF had no such luck.  That is such bullshit.  It's a 3 and a half hour fucking flight!  Also, we took off late because a plane in SF had broken down and was sitting at our gate.  We land 210 long minutes later and the plane was still there and they had no gate for us to go to.  We had to sit on the runway for another hour with still nothing to watch.  Horrible.  Thankfully, we flew United back and they actually showed me the respect that I deserve with some shitty "the plump fuck from Superbad" movie.  I can't think of his name.  Jonas something.  The movie was terrible and they followed it with an episode of How I Met Your Mother which made me laugh about as much as Kathy Griffin.  But at least it was something.

You don't look gay - We always hear about how open and out of the closet SF is but I honestly had a hard time picking out the alternatives.  Sure, the guys with the Freddie Mercury mustaches and the skinny jeans are obvious queers, but other than that they fooled me.  Except for the guy sitting next to me on the plane who was reading a book by the criminally unfunny Chelsea Handler.  That was waaaay too homo.  Well played, gays.

Bikes are for fags - The missus thought that it would be fun to rent bikes and ride across the Golden Gate Bridge.  I thought that it was a good idea eventhough I haven't been on a bike since college (when I almost got run over by a car when my tire popped in the middle of the fucking street).  The rental place advertised that it was an easy ride.  FUCK THAT.  Do you realize how hilly SF is?  Agony!  It was a treacherous ten or so mile course that blew ass, chafed my thighs like nobody's business, made my ass sorer than a gay man who was just deflowered, and allowed me to showcase one of the finer sweaty t-shirts in California history.  I hate riding a bike.  It's stupid.  Awesome scenery though once we got on the bridge.
The Blue Angels can eat shit - We rented those bikes on Saturday afternoon around the same time as an air show was going on.  It was basically three hours of the Blue Angels doing tricks with hundreds of thousands of drooling retards thinking that it's cool.  AIR SHOWS ARE GAY.  I believe that it was on an episode of The Simpsons where they claimed that the Blue Angels are the biggest waste of the American Taxpayer's dollars.  I couldn't agree more.  What is the point of these guys?  Are they combat pilots?  And why do those jets have to be so fucking loud.  I'm not saying that I'm rooting for these guys to crash into each other, but I'm not NOT saying that either.  Get fucked, Blue Angels and everyone who enjoys their pointlessness.

The NFL is terrifying - I already mentioned on Monday about my on-field thoughts of the Eagles/Niners game.  What I didn't discuss was the environment surrounding the game.  First of all, Candlestick Park is not only the worst venue I've ever been in.  It might be the worst BUILDING that I've ever been in.  What a dump.  The concourse is about three feet wide.  The formerly red seats are now pink.  You can't hear the PA announcer because there are only about two working speakers.  The "jumbotron" is a 32 inch TV behind the goalpost.  It's embarrassing.  Willie fucking Mays played there!  Why has that shithole not been torn down yet?  Let's not forget about the fans though.  Raiders fans get a label for being fighters but I was impressed with the scrappiness of the Niners faithful.  There were about 12-15 fights over the course of the game just in the 3-4 sections that I could follow.  When you have an overly ethnic fanbase like the 49ers sharing sections with idiotic Eagles fans, it's going to be a bloodbath.  And in case you were wondering at what point in the game I saw the first Philly fan throw a punch...the answer is 17 minutes BEFORE kickoff.  It was rough.  I thought that I was going to get stabbed.  And then I realized the big difference between the college and pro experience...in the NFL, you run the severe risk of bleeding out in your seat.
The vomit heard 'round the world - I should also mention that at some point in the second quarter, the drunk latina sitting behind me puked ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Somehow she did not get any on me (or so She$ says).  It was nasty.  Odd experience, that game was.  Very odd.  Honestly, I wouldn't recommend it.  Unless you like it when some chica unloads a gallon of cerveza and tacos inches from your head.  You might like that.

The best purchase ever - So on our last night, I realize that I had yet to buy myself anything as a souvenir.  I'm trolling through a few stores until I see what I need.  I must have it.  I bought it.  I now proudly own a "RAIDER NATION" t-shirt.  Who's going to fuck with a guy who is a Raiders fan?  They probably think that I'm a convicted felon or some shit.  I love this shirt.  I wore it through the airports yesterday and I'm 100% positive that everyone was afraid of me.  NWA!  Al Davis!  G$!
In conclusion, good trip.  Good birthday gift.  Good to see Tony B again.  I could not recommend San Francisco as a vacation destination any more.  It's a great city.  Just stay out of Oakland.  I would move to California in a heartbeat if some sort of weirdo opportunity presented itself.  Like King of the Gays or something similar.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

You would want to move to that fucked up state. Are you coming out of the closest soon.Fag

Drew said...

Wow...anon bringing the bizness early this morning.

Were you able to masterbate in Mary Kate and Ashley Olson's bedroom?

Grumpy said...

Kathy Griffin is funny. Chelsea Handler is even funnier. The Blue Angels are the best. You could be King of the Gays.

Post a pic of you sporting that Raider Nation tee; we need a good laugh.

GMoney said...

What the fuck is a "closest"? And if you're going to sit there and tell me that Ohio is better than Cali, go ahead and toss my salad then, you fuck.

Drew, nope, only got it in Uncle Jessie's hair.

The Iceman said...

You'll have to forgive "anonymous" G$. It's hard to type when you have your fist in your own mother's pussy and your dick in a sheep's ass.

Anonymous said...

Iceman you really are terrible. G$ please get him off this site. All he talks about is fucking sheep and goats and how his dad is a pornstar or something.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I finally undersatnd why you love Columbus so much. I bet when no-pants sundays come around you sprint directly to the "Short North" for some no pants fun. I understand know why you wanted to go to San Fran so bad.

What ever iceman, I bet you are the pivot man in a huge circle jerk every weekend.

The Iceman said...

You're right Seal..ban me from a blog site that talks about porn, fags, buttsex and gang bangs. We wouldn't want to compromise the integrity of the site you fuckin dousche bag. I think anonymous is hitting on you G$. Women have obviously stopped paying attention to this retard so he apparently has moved onto men. Why do you think he's so interested in your trip to SanFran?

Drew said...

I wish we could stick Iceman and Ace into a Chilean mine for 69 days.

Mr. Ace said...

Whoa whoa whoa, don't lump me in with that martian. My shenanigans are cheeky and fun. His shenanigans are cruel and tragic. Which wouldn't make them shenanigans at all really...evil shenanigans.

But lets be honest, you're all a little gay for me. Especially you, Drew. Don't try projecting your Chilean mine fantasy onto Iceman.

GMoney said...

By the way, as far as horrible jerseys go, this is what I saw on Sunday night:

-a game used KEVAN BARLOW
-JJ Stokes
-white guys wearing Vick jerseys
-two guys wearing 69 jerseys
-a 49ers Jeff Garcia
-an Eagles Jeff Garcia
-a Vikings Brett Favre for some reason

Tony B. said...

Fuck the Blue Angels. It took me over 4 hours to get home on Sunday because of Fleet Week.

The Bay Area has the two worst stadiums in the NFL. I have no idea why they haven't torn Candlestick down. It's only a matter of time, I suppose.

Raiders fans are scary. I'm sure you'll intimidate folks while wearing a shirt supporting the team that won Super Bowl XVIII.

The Iceman said...

Super Troopers. Nice work Ace. But deep down you love being lumped in with me.