|You WILL blow out your knees this year, you backstabbing bitch. Papa Shango guarantees it.|
If LeBortion didn't want to be a Cav for life, then that's fine. Just don't expect a warm welcome when you come home and don't ever expect the public to be on your side. And those new Nike ads where you ask what were you supposed to do, I've got the answer for you: it was OK for you to leave but only if you did everything else in the exact opposite way that you ended up doing things.
And it still kills me how all of the "people who don't get it" keep saying that Cavs fans need to get over it. So I'm just supposed to sit back and smile about my team going from being the best regular season team in the league the last two seasons to quite possibly the worst team in basketball? Oh yeah, I'm really pumped about that! Not to mention that all of this was accomplished by our native son collectively pulling down all of our pants and buttfucking our will to live out of us on national TV behind the guise of some bullshit charity? Yeah, I don't wish that on anyone. Because it sucked. And let me tell you, seeing that the Heat lost on opening night was fucking delightful. But I'll talk more about the Heat later.
Before I get to a few points and predictions for the coming season, I would like to give props to the usually douchey bunch from Rover's Morning Glory, one of those wacky FM morning shows based out of Cleveland. If you didn't hear about it, they brought in some sort of witch doctor to put a curse on LeBortion and the Heat. I find this to be awesome and hilarious. The art of voodoo isn't practiced enough in sports. I hope it works. There needs to be more Jobu's in competitive athletics. Thoughts on the season in which only 5 teams have a chance to win the title!
Most Overrated Player - Chris Bosh and it isn't even close. This guy is a pussy who isn't even remotely worth max money. What has he ever accomplished? Has he ever played a full season? Look, Miami is going to get everyone's best every single night which means that games will tend to be physical. And he doesn't play that way. He has no chance to live up to the money that he is making.
Most Underrated Player - Manu Ginobili. I hate saying this because Mr. Ace owns this fag's jersey, but much like Prince, that cat can ball. I think that we get so angry over how gay this guy is that we forget how brilliant he is with the ball in his hands.
First Coach Fired - Jay Triano in Toronto. That team is awful and it isn't his fault. But he's going to take the fall.
Most Overrated Team - Oklahoma City. They will make the playoffs. They will be good. But they aren't going to be one of the top three seeds out West like many think and they aren't going to win their division. The Thunder are still a year away...but they excel at having BJ Mullens on their NBDL roster.
Most Underrated Team - Sacramento. This is my pick for surprise team of the year. Evans and Cousins will be a force for years in the league.
Three Bold Predictions:
1. Evan Turner won't just have a below-average rookie season, but Doug Collins will BURY him on the bench. He's already stuck behind pretty good players and Collins has never been very good with young guys.
2. Behind Arenas and John Wall, the Wizards make the playoffs.
3. The Houston Rockets end up playing in the Western Conference Finals
Cavs Thoughts - It's going to be a tough year. The scars haven't healed. I could see many possible outcomes here. The only things that I'm sure of is that they won't make the playoffs, they will be one of the worst defensive teams ever, and everybody but JJ Hickson can be had for the right price. That includes Razor Ramon Sessions. MANNY HARRIS MADE THIS FUCKING TEAM! It looks like the Harrison Barnes Watch begins now.
Rookie of the Year - Blake Griffin
Coach of the Year - Jerry Sloan
MVP - Kevin Durant
Why the Heat won't win this year - Look at the past champions. For the most part (other than the Celtics), it takes guys playing together for awhile to really gel into something special. The Heat don't have the time to do that. None of these guys have defined roles and I don't expect that to change for awhile. And that sort of thing happens when your coach is a 14 year old Filipino transvestite who is a three game losing streak away from getting fired and replaced by Riley. And they are also soft. The lack of size was apparent on Tuesday night and will be a factor throughout. I think that Boston, Orlando, LA, and Houston could all beat them in a postseason series. Any team that gives Eddie House 26 minutes has more issues than you think. And, you know, they have officially had a curse put on them.
NBA Finals - Celtics over Lakers...but it doesn't matter as long as it isn't the Heat
In conclusion, it's sort of fun being a diehard fan of every team in the league that isn't Miami. I like it. It gives me someone different to root for every night. And I can not wait for December 2nd. I would not put it past some deranged Ohioan to run onto the court brandishing a knife when the Heat come to The Q. And if that does happen, LeBortion Jerky will be served to the first 10,000 fans through the gate. Fuck that guy. Fuck him in his mother's power-bush. Oh, and if you want an NHL Preview, here it is: the Sharks and Caps always choke. Pick anyone other than those two.