Monday, September 13, 2010

The Worst Of Week One Vol. IV

Booger just wants some human contact.
Every Monday morning, before we get into the shitty performances of the football weekend, I will start things off with a rant.  Let's go.  So I went to the EMU/Miami slugfest on Saturday afternoon.  It was about what I expected:  30% full, rainy, and sad.  But we won and kept it under 52 so everything was cool.  Except for one thing.  Look, I know that umbrellas are banned from the stadium.  But it was pouring, I saw other people bust them out, no one was sitting in the FOUR rows behind me, and you would think that the gameday staff would be cool about it.  They were not.  Myself and the two people sitting next to me were singled out and told to take our umbrellas down.  I'm not white trash so I don't own a poncho.  I'll be damned if I'm going to spend five bucks on a trash bag with sleeves.  Like I said, if anyone was sitting behind us, I would have not opened the thing.  Yet we continued to get harrassed by the staff.  And they said NOTHING to anyone else with an umbrella.  Miami has a hard enough time getting people to come to their home games, alienating the fanbase with iron-fisted cookie cops is not the way to go.  I know that I broke the rules, but come on...go fuck yourself.

Anyway, the worst of the first weekend in the NFL.

Honorable Mention - The ACC:  Oh boy, not good.  I had a feeling that this would be a big breakthrough year for the conference as it appeared that everyone had athletes in place (at least at the top).  Va Tech lost to an ex-president.  Florida State made a lovely statement in Norman.  Jacory Harris came to Columbus with a diaper full of shit and never changed it.  North Carolina's entire team has already signed with agents.  And Georgia Tech apparently can't beat a terrible Kansas team.  Awful.  That may have been the worst weekend for any conference in recent history.

Another Honorable Mention - Mike Singletary:  Getting CRUSHED by an inferior Seattle team AND wearing a footlong crucifix around your neck?  Bad.

5. Matt Ryan - First of all, this game was horrible.  It was way more boring than the Thursday night game.  But it was expected, I suppose.  Dennis Dixon isn't going to do anything great and Matt Ryan is a ginger shitstain.  When is he going to show us something?  When will we see that he is going to be more than a game manager.  He looks a lot more like Brad Johnson than he does Denard Robinson.  I realize that the Steelers defense is nasty, but you can throw on them and Ryan is showing that he can't throw.

4. The Bengals - All of them.  They were down 24 before I farted for the first time.  Obviously, the Patriots are good and all, but we've been told that this year is Super Bowl or bust for the Bingles this season.  Bust it is.  Nah, I'm not writing them off yet, but they HAVE to beat Baltimore next weekend.  And I have a feeling that Mike Zimmer will be up their ass all weekend to, you know, actually tackle and defend the other team.

3. The Colts Defense - Hoo boy, I thought that Arian Foster would be good this year but not that good.  And I heard that Bob Sanders got hurt again.  What a bitch.  I don't know if I'm fully buying the Texans yet just because that game meant more to Houston than Indy, but they at least looked like a playoff team.  And did commenter Jeff enjoy Peyton fucking his butthole?  I bet that he did.

2. Kevin Kolb - Wow.  He certainly did suck donkey balls.  Kolb just looks like a bitch.  Will he even be the starter after he's done faking a concussion?  Vick looked alright but I've got to think that World's Worst Dad would rather have his pet play over the dog killer.  Hey Mr. Ace, do you think that Ryan Mallett will still be available when you guys are picking 7th at the next draft?

1. What happened to the Lions - I hate Jay Cutler.  I never want to see him win anything except for a Biggest Faggot competition.  And he should have lost yesterday.  Megatron got hosed.  That rule is so fucking stupid.  Sure, they got the call right but the rule is not even close to being right.  What was wrong with the old rules of taking two steps with possession or the elusive "make a football move"?  Those make more sense than "completing the catch".  Johnson had FOUR feet AND his hip in bounds with possession.  That is embarrassing.  Roger Goodell fucking sucks.  If this is what the players are striking over, then they should because that rule is terrible and needs to be changed.  The Lions got royally fucked.

I write this before the Sunday Night game every week.  Usually, I just ignore the game and don't update the post afterwards.  That will be different after this one.  You can either put Romo or McNabb as 1A.

FUCK YES REDSKINS!!!  I love it when the Cowboys fucking implode!  Alex Barron is the worst offensive lineman ever.  Jason Garrett sucks.  His offense is the pussiest finesse bullshit in the league.  The Skins didn't play well at all (the defense is still learning the 3-4), but the important thing is WE ARE IN FIRST PLACE AND DALLAS IS IN LAST!!!  Jesus, I'm never going to fall asleep tonight...FUCK THE COWBOYS!


Tony B. said...

As a Bears fan, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that the Lions didn't get screwed. They did.

However, just like you said, the refs called it a drop in accordance with the dumb rule that is in place. Megatron could have just held the ball and let his body drop to the ground instead of trying to immediately turn over and celebrate and he would have made it easy for the refs to call it a catch.

They should change the rule immediately, and in no way will I talk shit about this win. It was lucky and undeserved (I mean, c'mon Bears- grow some sack and turn your 450+ total yards into more than 19 points! The drive where the Bears started on the 1 inch line and got stuffed 4 times was idiotic.)

Drew said...

Still very pissed at the Megatron play. Such a fucking dumb rule. Bigger than losing the game was losing Stafford though...they are fun to watch when he plays....Shaun Hill not so much.

GMoney said...

You guys will still beat the Eagles even if Scott Mitchell starts. Philly sucks. The Redskins are superior.

Mr. Ace said...

Kolb looked horrible, but I wasn't really surprised. I think this team is going to take awhile to get on the same page.

I was thinking the same thing about Ryan. Why does everybody assume he is going to make this huge jump? Did you see him throw the ball do the sideline? He has a fucking vaginal arm.

Lions got fucked, and it fucked me. In the DFL that would have been a 9 point play for me and put me in position to finish off Funchion with Ryan Matthews tonight. And although I won my bet with the points, I also took the moneyline because the Lions are the better team and was getting 3-1 odds. FUCK ME!

Grumpy said...

What a whiny ass bitch. They were enforcing the umbrella rule all over the stadium. Nobody was picking on you. And there are big ass signs outside the gate that list prohibited items; umbrellas are listed.

Go to any sporting goods store and buy a waterproof rain suit or contact me and I'll get you one at cost. Or go to WalMart and buy a $4.00 poncho. Nobody cares what you look like; sit there and get soaked instead.

GMoney said...

Hey old fuck, I said that I knew it was not allowed but it doesn't mean that our horrendous Gameday staff should be wielding their perceived power over it.

Nice poncho, fag.

GMoney said...

Best cover of the day? The Bills taking a meaningless safety with 90 seconds left to lose by 5.

Drew said...

G$....I saw your favorite boy toy Wally Sczerbiak tailgating outside the Shoe on Saturday. He was a couple cars from the basketball tailgate. Thought about grabbing Diebs and setting up an immediate three point shoot off.

MuDawgfan said...

Matt Ryan - When is he going to show us something

Sadly true. Had a great day going until the 4th quarter.
I'm going to wait a few more weeks before I start bitching openly because Michael Turner did horribly yesterday.

Anonymous said...

See? Even the greatest redhawk ever- wally szerbiak (sp) doesn't give a F about miami athletics!

No mention of the browns? Or is it because it would get old writing the same thing every week/year?


GMoney said...

The Browns lost to Tampa Bay. That must not have been won of the 8-9 wins that you idiots were counting on.

Wally was at The Shoe? Unacceptable. He must have made a wrong turn when he was trying to get to Yager Stadium.

I noticed that Turner was running with what appeared to be a trailer attached to his ass. He was extremely slow hitting the holes.

Anonymous said...

When your life begins to consist of sitting in the rain, watching Miami (OH) play football with the 75 worthless people that were there, you should probably contemplate killing yourself.


MuDawgfan said...

Seal is the hardest poster on "The Money Shot"

GMoney said...

Fair points, Seal, but don't you do the same thing with the Browns? That is just as collosal of a waste of time.

And beating the Cowboys last night has given me a reason to live.

Anonymous said...

Yes dawg, I did have a boner when i posted that.



Anonymous said...

Kevin Kolb = Ryan Leaf minus the quaaludes & franchise crippling contract. Enjoy ol Ron "Lefty" Mexico while Kolb's vagina heals.