|Oh just fuck already.|
Drew, in an offhanded sort of way, mentioned fantasy baseball playoffs yesterday. If you remember my reply, I noted that I am in the semifinals of both leagues that I am in. But one of my teams has been treading water at first base for the past two plus months (Daric Barton and Gaby Sanchez are awful) and I am certain that if I were to lose, it is solely because of him. Who is it, you ask? Why it just so happens to be the biggest pussy in sports (in my opinion), JUSTIN MORNEAU.
This guy is a fucking twat. A real cunt. On July 7th, he was sliding into second base to break up a double play and took a knee to the head. Initial reports were that he would miss a few games. That was over two months ago and he still isn't back yet. And he probably isn't coming back until Opening Day 2011. What a snatch. I bet that he can pull off a DVDA. Please allow me to present a laundry list of reasons as to why Justin Morneau is a gaping vagina.
-The knee to the head was courtesy of John McDonald
-John McDonald himself is a walking gash incapable of seriously hurting anything or anyone
-He was wearing a helmet
-Morneau still can't handle bright lights TEN WEEKS after the incident
-His middle name(s) is "Ernest George"
-One of his favorite players growing up was John Olerud (WTF???)
-He still has not given the 2006 MVP Award to its rightful recipient
-As a minor leaguer in Florida, he experienced homesickness, and would log onto a Vancouver radio station online to hear the weather and traffic reports, and wonder what his friends were up to back home (GAY)
-As a young hockey player, he would refuse to leave the car for hockey games until the clock read :33 minutes past the hour
-The only name pussier than Justin is Dustin.
-He pretty much got his ass beat by John McDonald
Look, I realize that in todays age, concussions are nothing to fuck with. No one wants to spend the rest of their days like Merrill Hoge. But dude, it's been ten weeks. Quit being a little bitch. Actually, after researching this a bit, apparently this was Morneau's either fourth or fifth concussion. Whatever. I've got a fantasy baseball title to defend, fag. Put on some sunglasses and get your ass back in the batter's box.
I was trying to think of someone who is a bigger pussy than Morneau. Is, not has (because we all know that Iceman's mom has the biggest snizz). The only other true contender would be LaDainian Tomlinson in the playoffs. No one rides a stationary bike with his helmet on better than LT.
So I leave it up to you, commenters. Am I forgetting about a larger vagina? Is there someone out there who milks injuries more than this big Canadian fuck? Will Mr. Ace please write about porn again?