Thursday, September 16, 2010

Vaginas: An Open Forum

Oh just fuck already.
When you read the title of this post, I assume that you thought that this was part two of the legendary Porn Day that we all loved a few months ago.  It is not.  We're talking about a different sort of pussy today.

Drew, in an offhanded sort of way, mentioned fantasy baseball playoffs yesterday.  If you remember my reply, I noted that I am in the semifinals of both leagues that I am in.  But one of my teams has been treading water at first base for the past two plus months (Daric Barton and Gaby Sanchez are awful) and I am certain that if I were to lose, it is solely because of him.  Who is it, you ask?  Why it just so happens to be the biggest pussy in sports (in my opinion), JUSTIN MORNEAU.

This guy is a fucking twat.  A real cunt.  On July 7th, he was sliding into second base to break up a double play and took a knee to the head.  Initial reports were that he would miss a few games.  That was over two months ago and he still isn't back yet.  And he probably isn't coming back until Opening Day 2011.  What a snatch.  I bet that he can pull off a DVDA.  Please allow me to present a laundry list of reasons as to why Justin Morneau is a gaping vagina.

-The knee to the head was courtesy of John McDonald
-John McDonald himself is a walking gash incapable of seriously hurting anything or anyone
-He was wearing a helmet
-Morneau still can't handle bright lights TEN WEEKS after the incident
-He's Canadian
-His middle name(s) is "Ernest George"
-One of his favorite players growing up was John Olerud (WTF???)
-He still has not given the 2006 MVP Award to its rightful recipient
-As a minor leaguer in Florida, he experienced homesickness, and would log onto a Vancouver radio station online to hear the weather and traffic reports, and wonder what his friends were up to back home (GAY)
-As a young hockey player, he would refuse to leave the car for hockey games until the clock read :33 minutes past the hour
-The only name pussier than Justin is Dustin.
-He pretty much got his ass beat by John McDonald

Look, I realize that in todays age, concussions are nothing to fuck with.  No one wants to spend the rest of their days like Merrill Hoge.  But dude, it's been ten weeks.  Quit being a little bitch.  Actually, after researching this a bit, apparently this was Morneau's either fourth or fifth concussion.  Whatever.  I've got a fantasy baseball title to defend, fag.  Put on some sunglasses and get your ass back in the batter's box.

I was trying to think of someone who is a bigger pussy than Morneau.  Is, not has (because we all know that Iceman's mom has the biggest snizz).  The only other true contender would be LaDainian Tomlinson in the playoffs.  No one rides a stationary bike with his helmet on better than LT.

So I leave it up to you, commenters.  Am I forgetting about a larger vagina?  Is there someone out there who milks injuries more than this big Canadian fuck?  Will Mr. Ace please write about porn again?

32 comments:

Grumpy said...

Anyone with turf toe.

Drew said...

Grumpy obviously doesn't know what turf toe is.

G$...What the fuck type of fantasy baseball league are you in where there are semi-finals? Fantasy baseball should be played rotisserie style and no other way.

I can't believe you forgot about the pussy named Carl Pavano.

The Iceman said...

Bob Sanders. No question. In his seven NFL seasons he has missed more games than he's played. At some point you have to disprove the "horrible luck" theory and call it what it is. He's made of glass and pussy juice.

GMoney said...

Roto is fucking lame and you end up having only three guys still paying attention at the end. You sound like a stat-fag.

All excellent submissions thus far. I would also like to include Vince Carter here just because.

Drew said...

Roto is lame for baseball? Fantasy baseball is made for stats. I sure hope you loaded up on your two start pitchers for your semi-finals week! Nothing faggier than head to head fantasy baseball...well, maybe debating which format of fantasy baseball is right is faggier.

I guess unfortunately Greg Oden is kind of a pussy.

Mr. Ace said...

As a married man, I don't think I am allowed to do any more porn posts. I apologize.

I'm gonna go NBA hear and pick Tracy McGrady as biggest vagina. Even though his team was better off without him.

The Iceman said...

"As a married man, I don't think I am allowed to do any more porn posts. I apologize."


I officially change my vote from Bob Sanders to Mr. Ace.

Mr. Ace said...

I just went back in re-read the porn post and it is still fucking fantastic. I think I'm going to include it in my portfolio the next time I go on a job search. I'm great.

Iceman, you have no idea the hell I went through the next couple days after I made the porn post. I won't do that again.

I don't think a better porn post can be made, anyways.

GMoney said...

We should all pool our pennies together and start making adult films. Find some local skanks and have Dut and Drew violate them (and each other) on camera. I like to think that I could write some brilliant scripts.

Biggest collective pussy = the last ten years of San Antonio Spurs basketball

Anonymous said...

I say bennie wells is up there, always hurt.

NW

Drew said...

I'm in for the porn star gig.

Anonymous said...

Ace- I would think you could get away with porn day easier now that you're married. What's she gonna do... Divorce you!? I don't think so.

I would prefer to not have playoffs in fantasy BB. I would have won last year and would be guaranteed at least 3rd place this year (probably 1st). Shitbags like damman that sucked cock'n balls all year get a chance to get hot for 3 weeks and win $$. Garbage. Who let's 60% of the league make the playoffs!?

Dut

Tony B. said...

It hurts me to call out my former favorite player Mark Prior, but he fits the criteria.

Kerry Wood doesn't because he did come back and is currently pitching his ass off.

GMoney said...

Eat shit, Dut. The correct answer is you. You are the biggest vagina.

Drew said...

Dut...good point on the divorce issue for Ace being a pussy.

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