Thursday, September 09, 2010

NFL Predictions Part One

Sorry, Green Man, but your team isn't going to the playoffs this year.
Can you see my erection?  It is fucking massive right now.  Not only is the NFL back tonight, but the subplot is groin-grabbingly terrific.  Can Gregg Williams finish the job?  He damn near knocked Brett Favre out of the league forever last winter.  Will he send him back to his ranch tonight with his leg in 6 different pieces?  I sure as hell hope so.  With the dawn of a new season means a new set of great predictions by me.  You've all skimmed through Ace's bullshit, but now it's time to get serious.  Am I crazy enough to think that the Vikings AND the Cowboys will be on the outside looking in come January?  Perhaps.  Today we delve into the NFC and tomorrow I get to tell you how stupid Peter King is for picking the Steelers to win the AFC (because I'm sure that karma will allow THAT to happen).  I'm limiting myself to three sentences per team.  Let's go.

NFC West
1. San Francisco 10-6 - This is easy.  Everyone wants to hate these guys because Alex Smiff is their QB, but he is clearly the best QB in that division and it isn't even close.  And with the best defense, running back, and a cake schedule, this is a slam dunk
2. Seattle 7-9 - I have no idea what to think about this team.  Hasselbeck is fucking terrible as are his running backs and receivers.  At least they don't have DA starting.
3. Arizona 6-10 - Derek Anderson is the starting QB.  Derek Anderson was unwanted by a team that gave 14 million to Jake Delhomme this offseason.  Derek Anderson will be benched by week 7 and six wins might be generous.
4. St. Louis 4-12 - Commenter -Rex said it best on Sunday when Dut drafted Steven Jackson, "nice Ram, fag".  The Rams will be a bit more competitive this year which is a direct result of cutting Bobby Carpenter.  I have nothing else to say about this team.

NFC South
1. Atlanta 11-5 - I've got a good feeling about these guys this season.  Burner Turner looks like he's ready to go and as long as Matty Ice isn't terrible, they should make it three winning seasons in a row.  Dunta Robinson was the perfect signing this offseason for that shaky secondary.
2. New Orleans* 10-6 - The defense won't be nearly as good as it was last year (probably because Sharper is out for the first 6 games).  They are going to get everyone's best shot now that they are carrying the crown.  They will still score, but they'll lose some flukey games this year as champs are wont to do.
3. Carolina 7-9 - Personally, I think that John Fox is one of the best coaches in the league and why they have never locked him up long term is extremely questionable.  You can count me in the large group of people who don't buy into Matt Moore.  A kickass running game can only take you so far.  BONUS SENTENCE:  Jimmy Clausen is still a fag!
4. Tampa Bay 4-12 - While Raheem Morris might not be around when it happens, the future is beginning to look a little brighter for the Bucs.  The defensive line and receiving corps are young now but there is some big-time talent there.  Cadillac is going to blow up for three scores against the Browns/Dut on Sunday.

NFC North
1. Green Bay 12-4 - I love this team more than Gilbert Brown loves fried hubcap sandwiches.  They have a good defense and an offense that can put up 35 per game.  This division will be decided by week 15 which may hurt A-Rod's MVP campaign if and when he rests.
2. Minnesota 8-8 - Exactly what on this team makes you feel good going into the season?  It felt like everything broke their way last season and they still couldn't get it done.  The O-line isn't good, neither is the secondary, the receivers are average, the running game is a fumbling machine, and old man river isn't going to do it again...and their coach is a fucking moron.
3. Detroit 5-11 - You won't see it in the W/L columns, but the Lions will be much more competitive this season.  They are still another stud o-lineman away from being an unstoppable offense.  Four times this year we will get to see if Suh can rip off either Favre or Cutler's head.
4. Chicago 3-13 - When was the last time that Mike Martz did a good job coaching exactly?  The Bears best receiver is the tight end which he won't be using.  His protection schemes are awful which means that an already terrible decision maker will need to make even quicker decisions...I smell 25 INT's...and Lovie is getting shitcanned.

NFC East
1. New York Giants 10-6 - I've got a good feeling about the Giants.  They have good receivers, a solid running game, a sick pass rush, and a no-nonsense coach who knows what he's doing.  The less you see of Brandon Jacobs, the better this team will be.
2. Washington* 9-7 - McNabb is playing for a contract which, since it's his last chance at some decent money, should keep him on the field.  The defense will always be good.  When you have the best coach in the division, you will be winning more close games than you lose (never underestimate how inept Wade and Andy are).
3. Dallas 8-8 - This is the year of the Wade/Garrett implosion.  The expectations are just too high for them to win the NFC and play the Super Bowl at home (dealing with pressure is obviously not their strong suit).  They will fail miserably and Jerr-ah Jones will spend the entire offseason trying to lure Chin Cowher down to TIX-ASS.
4. Philadelphia 6-10 - Someone said it the other day, but Kevin Kolb had zero success against base vanilla defenses in the preseason.  Philly fans should have been careful for what they wished for (McNabb leaving).  You would think that after so many damn failures, Andy Reid might realize that running the ball successfully was a smart strategy (and always has been in this league).

First round:  New Orleans over San Fran, New York over Washington
Second round:  Green Bay over New Orleans, New York over Atlanta
NFC Title Game:  Green Bay over New York...because Brett Favre couldn't do it.  And I want all of those faggot Packer fans to forget about Old Man Wrangler to embrace a superior QB.

MVP - Aaron Rodgers
DPOY - Patrick Willis
OROY - Ryan Mathews
DROY - Eric Berry
Are there even any other awards that are given out?  If there is a comeback player, I like Clinton Portis to have a nice season running behind Silverback Williams.  Well, enjoy the game tonight as you wait to find out who I have meeting the Packers in the Super Bowl.  I'll give you a hint...they don't play in Ohio.


Anonymous said...

Am I crazy or does Ryan Matthews play in the AFC?


Mr. Ace said...

Well played, G$. Ryan Matthews is going to win 2 ROY's.

The Redskins are going to be TERRIBLE! Other than that you're about right...although Atlanta's pass rush is still the worst in the NFL. They won't have 15 sacks this year. Kevin Kolb will double McNabb's production this year.

Drew said...

G$ picking Ryan Matthews to win OROY for the NFC is like when Mr. Ace said that Brady Quinn was the current face of Cleveland when he was already long gone. God this blog is ran by retards.

Suh will win DROY....mark that shit down in ink.

Drew said...

Eric Berry plays for the Chiefs, if these were your overall awards (which I'm sure you will use as your cop out) then you should have classified them better.

Grumpy said...

Your erection and massive is an oxymoron.

MUDawgfan said...

Atlanta 11-5 - I've got a good feeling about these guys this season.

Now it's I who has the massive boner. GO FALCONS!

GMoney said...

The awards aren't league specific. They don't give out AFC offensive ROY and another one for the NFC (at least I don't think that they do). No fuck up by me, you all just can't read.

Anonymous said...

I was the one that said Kolb was gonna blow 10 year old choir boys this year G$, and I'm sticking to that prediction. Ace, you're free basing if you think Kolb is gonna be better than McNabb. There's a song coming to mind..."Don't know what you've got (til it's gone)". Have fun defending this cheese dick all year. The Ryan Matthews hype is spreading like the T-virus from Resident Evil. Color me skeptical.

GMoney said...

Any Cinderella reference is welcomed here.

Kevin Cobb sucks. So does Brian Dawkins.

Drew, I'll make sure that I classify things better for my dipshit readers in the future. Maybe I'll turn this into a pop-up blog since regular words seem to be too tough for you all.

Anonymous said...

Anyone see what that pussy prior is saying to OSU fans about Lebron. What a little bitch prior is.

SSReporters said...

You're too kind.

We're going 4-12. Don't diss our RBs though, Forsett and Leon Washington are decent. Don't know why we brought back Julius Jones after cutting him. Hasselbeck blows and can't throw a 5 yard pass.

Karma said...

LeBron probably isn't the guy you want standing on the Ohio State sideline for one of the biggest games of your season...just sayin, man.

Mr. Ace said...

Brady Quinn is still the face of Cleveland...and the one Drew beats off to every night.

Don't you ever say a bad word about Brian Dawkins on here you cunt.