|I think that I'll fake an aneurysm this season!|
But first, let me clue you in to what I was up to over the past such and such days. I did nothing. I had four fantasy football drafts. In those leagues, I own Peyton, Brees, and Rodgers twice. If you don't realize yet that when you fail to land a top 6-8 QB that you have no chance to win, then I feel sorry for you. So forget about winning my league Dut (Kolb) and Drew (Vince fucking Young). It's already over for your worthless selfs. Back to my week, I spent so much time with the pup that he probably hates me by now. But that little bastard ate one of my pizza rolls so the feeling is mutual. And, of course, I watched a lot of movies that I had always wanted to see. This brings me to today's post. We're going to, albeit a little late, talk about the surprisingly entertaining week one of college football. How? With an awards show of sorts. If this reads like a Bill Simmons column, well you are right on, but since he doesn't write anything anymore in lieu of being some sort of weirdo radio host, I think it's OK to steal his schtick. On to the metaphorical greatness!!!
The "Bridge On The River Kwai" Award for Best Train Wreck - Mike Pouncey and John Brantley, Florida. I watched this in between the six shots of moonshine, 12 beers, and a fantasy football draft. My horseshit 1-11 RedHawks went toe-to-toe with the Gators for 3 full quarters. In fact, we outplayed them for 45 minutes. It was really nice to see such a great effort from a program that has really fallen on hard times and has barely been competitive. I forget who said that Florida was overrated last week, but holy shit are they overrated. They can't even fucking snap the football! I was shitfaced when the game ended yet had a strange feeling...pride. We played hard and kept fighting and when you've only won 3 games in the last two seasons, it felt good. And exactly why did Urban Meyer fake a health problem and poop on his daughters again? For THIS team? Enjoy the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, you cunt. At least you finally beat Miami University.
The "The Damned United" Award for Worst Coach - Before we get to the award, this movie is really good. It's about some British soccer coach who got the best coaching job in the Premier League but was fired after something like 50 days and it's a true story, too. Or as I like to call it, as much time as Turner Gill and Houston Nutt have left at their current jobs. Kansas loses 6-3 at home to South Buttfuck State and we all saw how Ole Miss showcased their SEC speed against the #17 team in the FCS. If the Jayhawks can only roll a field goal at home against a shit school, you all should probably be betting against them until further notice. Ole Miss deserves what they got. Masoli is a scumbag. The Blind Side wasn't that good of a movie. Karma is a bitch.
The "Indiana Jones #4" Award for Biggest Mail-In Job - Oklahomo beats Utah State by 7. Florida. Texas. Notre Dame. I expected more. None of those teams looked like national title contenders. Especially Notre Dame. Purdue should have been destroyed without mercy and they let them hang. Inexcusable. Or "unexcusable" if you are an ignorant sack of Irish shit like Brian Kelly.
The "Point Break" Johnny Utah Memorial Award for Most Awesome QB - Kellen Moore. That final drive was like watching Peyton in a non-playoff game. It was never in doubt. Boise was going to win that game. People are going to continue to try and hate on Boise and I will never understand it. Since when was it not cool to root for the underdog? You heard that stadium. That was a fucking home game for VT. And Tech looked pretty solid in their own right.
The "Road House" Double Deuce Badass Award - Boston College's Mark Herzlich. Duuuuude, he had bone cancer yet was out there beating ass on Saturday. That's amazing. Bone Cancer. I will be rooting for the Eagles for the rest of the season.
The "Blazing Saddles" Award for Best Disproving of a Stereotype - Black Quarterbacks. Mallett, Locker, Ponder, Luck, and Moore will get a ton of pub this year, but it's the black man that shined (no racist pun intended) in week one. Pryor actually looks like a QB now instead of a small forward with pads and no touch. Tyrod Taylor might be the most improved player in the history of football. Jacory Harris is a stud. Cam Newton looks like the next big thing at Auburn. And although he didn't have a good game against Maryland, Ricky Dobbs is a great player. I guess what I'm trying to say here is: "KILL WHITEY" and "Pryor still sucks".
The "Bull Durham" Nook/Crash Award for Best Nickname - Denard "Shoelace" Robinson, Michigan. No, I did not forget about him. If the Heisman was given after week one, he would win. He was outstanding. But can he keep it up? That's the question. But I will say this, if he can play 85-90% of what he did this past weekend, Big Blue is going to win a bunch of games this year and Richie is going nowhere. Shoelace is a great nickname but I would take it maybe a few crude steps further. Since he is a black guy, how about a reference to the 1919 Black Sox Scandal? I prefer to call Denard, "Shoelace Joe Blackson". I'm hilarious. He better play the same way that he did on 11/27 that he did on 9/4...
Guys, I wear my preference toward pro football on my sleeve. I think that college football is about as overrated as Les Miles. But that was a fun first weekend. Even the East Carolina hail mary win had me screaming "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" in my mansion. We're off to a good start here. I guarantee that this coming weekend's huge slate of games will disappoint though.