Wednesday, September 08, 2010

I'm Back With Excellent College Football Metaphors!

I think that I'll fake an aneurysm this season!
Did you miss me?  Judging by the amount of comments that have been registered here over the past ten days, you definitely missed me.  And it's easy to see why.  I'm great.  My blogging batteries are recharged and I'm ready to go balls to the wall through football season.

But first, let me clue you in to what I was up to over the past such and such days.  I did nothing.  I had four fantasy football drafts.  In those leagues, I own Peyton, Brees, and Rodgers twice.  If you don't realize yet that when you fail to land a top 6-8 QB that you have no chance to win, then I feel sorry for you.  So forget about winning my league Dut (Kolb) and Drew (Vince fucking Young).  It's already over for your worthless selfs.  Back to my week, I spent so much time with the pup that he probably hates me by now.  But that little bastard ate one of my pizza rolls so the feeling is mutual.  And, of course, I watched a lot of movies that I had always wanted to see.  This brings me to today's post.  We're going to, albeit a little late, talk about the surprisingly entertaining week one of college football.  How?  With an awards show of sorts.  If this reads like a Bill Simmons column, well you are right on, but since he doesn't write anything anymore in lieu of being some sort of weirdo radio host, I think it's OK to steal his schtick.  On to the metaphorical greatness!!!

The "Bridge On The River Kwai" Award for Best Train Wreck - Mike Pouncey and John Brantley, Florida.  I watched this in between the six shots of moonshine, 12 beers, and a fantasy football draft.  My horseshit 1-11 RedHawks went toe-to-toe with the Gators for 3 full quarters.  In fact, we outplayed them for 45 minutes.  It was really nice to see such a great effort from a program that has really fallen on hard times and has barely been competitive.  I forget who said that Florida was overrated last week, but holy shit are they overrated.  They can't even fucking snap the football!  I was shitfaced when the game ended yet had a strange feeling...pride.  We played hard and kept fighting and when you've only won 3 games in the last two seasons, it felt good.  And exactly why did Urban Meyer fake a health problem and poop on his daughters again?  For THIS team?  Enjoy the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, you cunt.  At least you finally beat Miami University.

The "The Damned United" Award for Worst Coach - Before we get to the award, this movie is really good.  It's about some British soccer coach who got the best coaching job in the Premier League but was fired after something like 50 days and it's a true story, too.  Or as I like to call it, as much time as Turner Gill and Houston Nutt have left at their current jobs.  Kansas loses 6-3 at home to South Buttfuck State and we all saw how Ole Miss showcased their SEC speed against the #17 team in the FCS.  If the Jayhawks can only roll a field goal at home against a shit school, you all should probably be betting against them until further notice.  Ole Miss deserves what they got.  Masoli is a scumbag.  The Blind Side wasn't that good of a movie.  Karma is a bitch.

The "Indiana Jones #4" Award for Biggest Mail-In Job - Oklahomo beats Utah State by 7.  Florida.  Texas.  Notre Dame.  I expected more.  None of those teams looked like national title contenders.  Especially Notre Dame.  Purdue should have been destroyed without mercy and they let them hang.  Inexcusable.  Or "unexcusable" if you are an ignorant sack of Irish shit like Brian Kelly.

The "Point Break" Johnny Utah Memorial Award for Most Awesome QB - Kellen Moore.  That final drive was like watching Peyton in a non-playoff game.  It was never in doubt.  Boise was going to win that game.  People are going to continue to try and hate on Boise and I will never understand it.  Since when was it not cool to root for the underdog?  You heard that stadium.  That was a fucking home game for VT.  And Tech looked pretty solid in their own right.

The "Road House" Double Deuce Badass Award - Boston College's Mark Herzlich.  Duuuuude, he had bone cancer yet was out there beating ass on Saturday.  That's amazing.  Bone Cancer.  I will be rooting for the Eagles for the rest of the season.

The "Blazing Saddles" Award for Best Disproving of a Stereotype - Black Quarterbacks.  Mallett, Locker, Ponder, Luck, and Moore will get a ton of pub this year, but it's the black man that shined (no racist pun intended) in week one.  Pryor actually looks like a QB now instead of a small forward with pads and no touch.  Tyrod Taylor might be the most improved player in the history of football.  Jacory Harris is a stud.  Cam Newton looks like the next big thing at Auburn.  And although he didn't have a good game against Maryland, Ricky Dobbs is a great player.  I guess what I'm trying to say here is:  "KILL WHITEY" and "Pryor still sucks".

The "Bull Durham" Nook/Crash Award for Best Nickname - Denard "Shoelace" Robinson, Michigan.  No, I did not forget about him.  If the Heisman was given after week one, he would win.  He was outstanding.  But can he keep it up?  That's the question.  But I will say this, if he can play 85-90% of what he did this past weekend, Big Blue is going to win a bunch of games this year and Richie is going nowhere.  Shoelace is a great nickname but I would take it maybe a few crude steps further.  Since he is a black guy, how about a reference to the 1919 Black Sox Scandal?  I prefer to call Denard, "Shoelace Joe Blackson".  I'm hilarious.  He better play the same way that he did on 11/27 that he did on 9/4...

Guys, I wear my preference toward pro football on my sleeve.  I think that college football is about as overrated as Les Miles.  But that was a fun first weekend.  Even the East Carolina hail mary win had me screaming "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" in my mansion.  We're off to a good start here.  I guarantee that this coming weekend's huge slate of games will disappoint though.


Grumpy said...

Welcome back. Thank God. Don't ever leave us with that fucktard again.

Anonymous said...


Don't forget how the SEC were fucking your RedHawks all day with those bullshit penalties, and I am still not sure why the one dude was ejected.

--Nice non-playoff drive for Peyton Manning reference.....


Anonymous said...

Welcome back, G$. By the way, I had the best team in the league last year with carson palmer as my qb. So shut your dirty little mouth. Also, I drafted Big Ben just in case Kolb blows monkey balls. Championship, bitches!

I can't believe you have compliments to TP! I think this is a historical day on the money shot.

Tyrod Taylor is still not that great. He made some awful decisions late in that game (throwing a fade on 3rd and 6 when all they needed was a first down to win the game).

Denard looked really good. I would definitely take him over Terrelle Pryor (sarcasm).


Drew said...

Shoelace won't last until the OSU game this year if he's running the ball 25 times a game.

Also, can WigMaster get more props for his "well thought out" post about how great Cincinnati would be this year? I believe I said it was a "well thought out pile of shit that was still just a pile of shit."

Bring on Da U.

Drew said...

Dut...good point on you rolling with Palmer last year. Vince Young's gonna do work this year.

Anonymous said...

I thought Tyrod Taylor is vastly improved and he looked solid against Boise State, but VaTech as a whole did not impress me. Defensively, they gave up some huge plays that cost them the ball game.

Miami (OH)'s defense is nasty. I just hope for your sake, G$, that the product they put on the field was legit, rather than something they have religiously been practicing since the end of last season for only one game.

Finally, although Denard had an excellent game, I will be sold when he plays a good defense and he shows some durability. UConn was terrible. Also, carrying 25 times a game throughout the season will mean he his banged up and playing 50% of the offensive snaps, at most, by week 6.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

You can make the playoffs with average qb's, but you can't win it all with them. Both of your track records prove that.

VT's defense is inexperienced but there was some sick talent there. And killing UConn is more impressive than we all want to admit. That's a solid program.

Sons of Anarchy = fucking amazing

Mr. Ace said...

I love the hate. Last week everybody was saying that UConn was a solid team and was going to give it to Michigan--Herbfag even said they would win the Big East. And now that Michigan slaughtered them they are the worst team in the country. D-ROB IS A FUCKING MONSTER!

Why are VaTech's WR's always horrible? Taylor had to scramble every single play to buy time for somebody to get open. Boise still should have won that game by 30.

Redhawks will only win one game this year...and it will probably be against Toledo.

Anonymous said...

I agree, Ace. VaTech's recievers all had stone hands.

-Lil' Strut

Tony B. said...

Bear AIDS > Bone Cancer

LOL on the Shoelace Joe Blackson- that was hilarious. Denard played his ass off on Saturday.

UC Davis 3, CAL 52. Not a great start for my alma mater.

GMoney said...

We don't play the Rockets this year unfortunately. That was some performance against Arizona though. I finally figured out why the big boys come to's an easy win.

Drew said...

Ace...I was not one of those that said that UConn would "give it to Michigan". I actually bet on Michigan to cover in that game. I sat 15 rows in that Big Shit House on Saturday and everything I thought would happen happened. That UConn team has zero athletes and the perfect conservative offense to not destroy that terrible Michigan defense. I think ND is going to put up a lot of points this weekend though.....

Anonymous said...

Yeah because ND looked real solid last week.

Denard ran 25 times because odviously they couldn't stop him. Did you see, 200 yards rushing? If the defense is lettin it happen why would you stop? If a good defense is going to let him post 200 yards rushing then I would assume he'll carry the ball 25 times again. Was he not 18-21 passing? The rb's and wr's looked pretty solid too. It's too early to tell, I'd like to see what they do againt ND. I mean week one was enough for eveyone to see Pryor has 'matured' into a great qb againt Marshall!?!? Wait till he has to make a play late against da U. Only a pass interference call will probably save him.

Per Boise St. The hate comes from the voters and the people who make the decisions because it makes the bcs look retarded (which it is). And with that you have everyone else hating because they don't want to see their one loss team from a 'real' conference get pushe out a title/ bcs game for an undefeated Boise!!!!!

J Saul

Jeff said...

Will we ever be enlightened again with Ace's plan to turn the economy around? By that I mean losing money to overseas sports books.

Jon, I farted on your pillow

The Iceman said...

Pryor goes off against Marshall? Crown him the Heisman winner. Robinson shreds Uconn? You need to see him prove it against a better defense. The Ohio State fan is so unintentionally hilarious...

If college football fans/coaches/teams don't want Boise State to play in the National Title game, the solution is simple. Sack up and put Boise on your schedule when they come knocking. Put them on your schedule and beat them ya big pussies. Because I promise you if Boise hasn't requested to play your big time program yet...they will be real soon. Boise is legit.

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