|Anyone else freaked out that this guy has a third hand coming from his ass?|
Larry had an interesting job with the Skins though. He got less than 5 carries per game and played on zero of the special teams units. With the exception of big fucking black guys trying to kill him on those 5 carries, he had one of the easiest jobs in football. Just stand there on the sideline, act like you're paying attention, and collect that big fucking check every week. Well, those days are over (probably forever now) but it did get my mind racing. Exactly what are the easiest jobs in sports? I came up with 7 of them:
7. Long Snapper - This was made even better because the NFL banned defenders from jacking this dude while his head was between his legs. Most long snappers have almost zero football skills at all with the exception of firing an accurate football past his ass. The only dangerous part of the job is going after the punt returner and risking getting drilled while on the chase. But all in all, snapping the ball is pretty simple.
6. Pro Wrestling Champion - The hardest part of the gig is getting to the top. Once you are there, it's cake. You get to win all of your matches. You can talk on the microphone as long as you want. You get a sweet gold belt. And more importantly, you never lose. The job of wrestling writers is to make the champion look good. That means that they always get to beat everyone's ass. Do you know why an old fucker like Hulk Hogan wrestled into his 60's? Because they never asked him to take powerbombs and shit like that. Being awesome has it's advantages. I would know.
5. Golf Swing Coach - This is the ultimate brainwash position. Once you are hired, the golfer will do whatever you tell him. And they already have built-in excuses for poor performances by the mentee. It's either, "he's still working with his new swing coach" or "he just didn't play well". It's never anything about how the swing guru knows jack shit. If that guy really knew what he was talking about then why isn't he winning every tournament? Exactly. These people are frauds. I HAVE EXPOSED YOU ALL!!!
4. Bullpen Coach - I have no idea if this job is harder than I think it is, but this is what I think the entire gig is about:
***bullpen phone rings***
Bullpen Coach - Yeah?
Manager - Get Sanchez up.
BC - OK
And then he stands next to the relief pitcher until he's ready. That's it. Sure, they may have to pitch batting practice once or twice a week, but bullpen coach has to be the least stimulating job on the planet.
3. NBA 12th man - I would have ranked this #1 but it can't be that easy to embarrass yourself that much. Do you think it's fun to be Brian Scalabrine or Jack Haley? Hell no. Sure, you get to live like an actual pro athlete, but at what cost? Their legacy is based upon how adamantly they waved their little towel when the team was winning. It would be nice to collect that pay check though. I hate Scalabrine.
2. NASCAR pit crew gas man - Some dork on Survivor this season is a "jack man" on a racing crew. I thought that that was kind of badass. That takes some skill and I assume some muscle to do that. Also kind of cool: the guys that can change two tires in 14 seconds. Not cool? The bag of dicks that dispenses the gas into the car. Any jackfuck could do that. That isn't a skill. Why does that guy even need to wear a helmet anyway? I hate the gas man.
1. Backup soccer goalie - I actually did some research on this. The Crew have played 25 games this year and the starting goalie has started every single one of them. The backup has ONE save all season. Why even carry a second goalie anyway? They only play like once a week in this gay sport and goalies move about forty total feet per game and thus should never get tired. What is the point of this guy? It must be nice knowing that you have a 4% chance of playing in a game. I'd take those odds.
What do you think of my list? Did I forget someone in the sports realm with a simpler job? I think that I covered everything that I wanted to. I thought about the punter and the DH and Scot Pollard, but I just didn't feel like they were worthless enough. And to answer your question, yes, Mr. Ace is the backup goalie to this fine site.