Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Easiest Jobs In Sports: An Open Forum

Anyone else freaked out that this guy has a third hand coming from his ass?
Well, the Larry Johnson Era is over in DC.  The spittin' sumbitch was unceremoniously released on Tuesday night.  His 5 carries for 2 yards will always be remembered fondly inside of FedEx Field.  Personally, his -10 rush last Sunday was just a thing of beauty.  For those wondering what the hell the Redskins were doing by bringing in Willie Parker and The Ladies Man in this offseason, don't worry about it anymore.  Make sure you adjust your fantasy football teams accordingly though as this news will likely shake your league to the core!

Larry had an interesting job with the Skins though.  He got less than 5 carries per game and played on zero of the special teams units.  With the exception of big fucking black guys trying to kill him on those 5 carries, he had one of the easiest jobs in football.  Just stand there on the sideline, act like you're paying attention, and collect that big fucking check every week.  Well, those days are over (probably forever now) but it did get my mind racing.  Exactly what are the easiest jobs in sports?  I came up with 7 of them:

7. Long Snapper - This was made even better because the NFL banned defenders from jacking this dude while his head was between his legs.  Most long snappers have almost zero football skills at all with the exception of firing an accurate football past his ass.  The only dangerous part of the job is going after the punt returner and risking getting drilled while on the chase.  But all in all, snapping the ball is pretty simple. 

6. Pro Wrestling Champion - The hardest part of the gig is getting to the top.  Once you are there, it's cake.  You get to win all of your matches.  You can talk on the microphone as long as you want.  You get a sweet gold belt.  And more importantly, you never lose.  The job of wrestling writers is to make the champion look good.  That means that they always get to beat everyone's ass.  Do you know why an old fucker like Hulk Hogan wrestled into his 60's?  Because they never asked him to take powerbombs and shit like that.  Being awesome has it's advantages.  I would know.

5. Golf Swing Coach - This is the ultimate brainwash position.  Once you are hired, the golfer will do whatever you tell him.  And they already have built-in excuses for poor performances by the mentee.  It's either, "he's still working with his new swing coach" or "he just didn't play well".  It's never anything about how the swing guru knows jack shit.  If that guy really knew what he was talking about then why isn't he winning every tournament?  Exactly.  These people are frauds.  I HAVE EXPOSED YOU ALL!!!

4. Bullpen Coach - I have no idea if this job is harder than I think it is, but this is what I think the entire gig is about:
***bullpen phone rings***
Bullpen Coach - Yeah?
Manager - Get Sanchez up.
And then he stands next to the relief pitcher until he's ready.  That's it.  Sure, they may have to pitch batting practice once or twice a week, but bullpen coach has to be the least stimulating job on the planet.

3. NBA 12th man - I would have ranked this #1 but it can't be that easy to embarrass yourself that much.  Do you think it's fun to be Brian Scalabrine or Jack Haley?  Hell no.  Sure, you get to live like an actual pro athlete, but at what cost?  Their legacy is based upon how adamantly they waved their little towel when the team was winning.  It would be nice to collect that pay check though.  I hate Scalabrine.

2. NASCAR pit crew gas man - Some dork on Survivor this season is a "jack man" on a racing crew.  I thought that that was kind of badass.  That takes some skill and I assume some muscle to do that.  Also kind of cool:  the guys that can change two tires in 14 seconds.  Not cool?  The bag of dicks that dispenses the gas into the car.  Any jackfuck could do that.  That isn't a skill.  Why does that guy even need to wear a helmet anyway?  I hate the gas man.

1. Backup soccer goalie - I actually did some research on this.  The Crew have played 25 games this year and the starting goalie has started every single one of them.  The backup has ONE save all season.  Why even carry a second goalie anyway?  They only play like once a week in this gay sport and goalies move about forty total feet per game and thus should never get tired.  What is the point of this guy?  It must be nice knowing that you have a 4% chance of playing in a game.  I'd take those odds. 

What do you think of my list?  Did I forget someone in the sports realm with a simpler job?  I think that I covered everything that I wanted to.  I thought about the punter and the DH and Scot Pollard, but I just didn't feel like they were worthless enough.  And to answer your question, yes, Mr. Ace is the backup goalie to this fine site.


Anonymous said...

It goes along with bullpen coach. But, bullpen catcher. Although they probably only make about 30 grand a year.

A cool and easy job none the less.


GMoney said...

I don't know. Some of those guys throw 100 mph. I wouldn't want to catch that. That shit would fuck my hand up forever.

Also easy: whatever it is that Jim Caldwell does

Drew said...

Team Chaplin for whatever team Jon Kitna plays for.

Grumpy said...

I know the guy who was the bullpen catcher for The Big Red Machine. Walks around with his obscene World Series ring on his finger like he earned it.

Easiest job? Tiger's pimp.

Anonymous said...

3rd string nfl qb has to be on the list. Ken Dorsey somehow stayed in the league for 7 years until he finally had to play and teams realized he's nothing without a clipboard.

Another possibility is a franchise kicker on a terrible team (phil dawson and jason hanson). These guys have never had any pressure whatsoever. If they miss a kick, who cares? They've both been collecting nice checks for over a decade and haven't ever had to make a kick or get fired (vanderjagt, norwood, etc..)


GMoney said...

The hardest job in sports belongs to Dantonio's heart.

Drew said...

Miami of Ohio football ticket scanner.

Anonymous said...

The relief pitcher in baseball is the easiest...especially if you play for a shitty team. If your team eats swine ass and wins 70 games you're barely going to see the field. Also, if you do there's about as much expectation to perform as there is for Mr. Ace on Tuesdays. As a relief pitcher your job is to sit in the bullpen, wait for some guy with a moustache to tell you to start warming up and lift weights with whatever your dominant arm is to the point where you could throw a baseball through a refrigerator door. Oh yeah...and you get handsomely rewarded for it. Even the awful ones rake in decent cheese. Sign me up.

Grumpy said...

Drew wins. As much as it pains me, I still laughed out loud.

Grumpy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

Yeah Drew, those poor souls don't work very much at all. Well done.

Tony B. said...

Drew, I also laughed out loud at your ticket scanner comment.

How about any high profile boxer's entourage. Not the corner man, not the cut man, just the douchy second cousin of the boxer that is ready to make it rain and rape women.

GMoney said...

You mean like Paulie in the Rocky movies? Yeah, he was extremely worthless outside of his hilarious racism.

"You can't train him like a colored fighter, he's got no rhythm!"

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