Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dantonio Is Such a Tease

(The only two things anybody likes about Sparty)

I hate Mark Dantonio about as much as I love Mike Hart, which is with the fire of a million suns. Here are two examples of why I feel this way about both:


Hilarious.


Pussy Douche Bag.

Dantonio is the embodiment of "Little Brother", and it makes me smile. I hope RichRod sends him some Maize and Blue flowers in the hospital...and a 20 oz. steak with chili cheese fries.

When your defense is offensive. I didn't watch any of the Michigan game. I was stuck shopping all day and working all night. Great Saturday, indeed. But it's probably a good thing I didn't watch because I would have probably ended up in a hospital bed right next to Dantonio. My only goal for Michigan going into the UMass game was that Denard Robinson would not see the field in the second half. Obviously, that didn't happen. Denard was forced to do what he does best and carry Michigan to the victory. Hooray.

We all know what the problem is here. The defense's ineptitude is absurd. It's one thing to let Douche Crist march up and down the field on you, it's another thing to allow an FCS team to grind it up your ass for the entire game. This wasn't UMass getting lucky or breaking off huge plays for scores. No, this was UMass putting together drive after drive and embarrassing the Michigan defense. UMass' longest play was 19 yards. They dominated time of possession; 37:38 to 22:22. I don't even have any jokes to throw in here. Yeah I do. Michigan's defense gets about as much penetration as commenter Drew...with his chapstick dick. Our defense is fucking terrible. Bowling Green might put up 50.

The Big Ten is not the SEC. Just when all you Big Ten fans confidence was beginning to brim over, back to reality you go. I predicted a Wisconsin upset via Arizona State last week and was a blocked PAT away from it happening in OT. Then Iowa went down to Arizona and let the nation see why I thought Iowa was the most overrated team in the Big Ten. Then Sparty needed a trick play to beat ND at home in OT. Just compare the ranked teams and see who you think is better.

Fuckeyes vs. Bama? Uh, Bama. Not really that close.

Wisconsin vs. Florida? After last week I don't know how you can pick Wiscy here.

Arkansas vs. Iowa? Arkansas hasn't played anybody yet...but did you see what Nick Foles did to Iowa's defense. Mallet would PWN.

South Carolina vs. Michigan? Nobody can stop Denard.

LSU vs. Penn State? Les Miles is a tard, but that defense would be too much for Boldin.

Auburn vs. Michigan State? Dantonio would fake another heart attack.

How can I put this a way you will understand? The SEC is Amy Reid, perfect 10. The Big Ten is Lisa Ann, fully capable of putting up a number one performance, but lacks the consistency to hold down the top spot. The Big Ten is number 2...maybe number 3. The Big 12 is looking pretty strong at the top, Hannah Hilton. Maybe next year, Big Ten.

Last Weekend in Abortions.
Houston's Case Keenum went down with a torn ACL and is out for the year. But Houston rebounded and brought in backup Cotton "That's my real name" Turner...and he broke his collarbone and is out for the year. Houston changed its team name from Cougars to Dumpster Fire.

Should Houston Nutt be on the hot seat? Or the better question, is Ole Miss okay with the Cotton Bowl being their ceiling during the Nutt era? I think Ole Miss is an attractive college job and Ole Miss would be doing themselves a favor to send the Nuttster out the door. He turned Jevon Snead from a Top 10 draft pick to an undrafted bum. Now Masoli is going from Heisman contender/criminal to....just a criminal. He's gotta go, right?

Michigan's defense. But you already knew that.

Looking Ahead to Next Week...
Denard Robinson plays less than two quarters. Please.

My betting card got ass raped by late garbage TD's last week. First it was Minny on Saturday. Then it was Detroit and St. Louis on Sunday. Hopefully the Dantonio heart attack is a sign that my fortunes are changing.

If you're looking for a game to bet before Saturday, I like TCU -17 over SMU. SMU only beat Washington State by 14, which is the sign of a horrible team. TCU knows how to win big and keep the voters on their side.

Virginia Tech is going to do what they do every year. They get embarrassed in an early non-conference game, then when ACC play roles around they kick it into gear. Virgina Tech -4.

Temple +16 at Penn State? Hell yes.

Jim Harbough always has his team ready for a big game. ND is coming off two back breaking losses. Stanford -4 is a mega lock.

Texas -16. This is a joke right? UCLA beats up on Houston's number three QB at home and now they are only 16 point dogs at Texas? UCLA will not score more than 9 points.

Oregon will slaughter Arizona State. Nobody in the PAC 10, save maybe Stanford, has the offense to hang with Oregon. Oregon -11.

The Big Ten is taking another week off to pound cupcakes, but there are still plenty of good matchups this weekend; Bama/Hogs, WVU/LSU, OSU/Boise, SC/Aub. Should be a much more entertaining week of college football.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go take care of my Campdick.

13 comments:

Grumpy said...

I knew it; Mr. Ace spends college football Saturdays shopping. What a pussy. And then tells us all about games he never saw.

GMoney said...

I have to agree here. Unless you were shopping at The Lion's Den or a slave auction, you are a pussy.

Love the pornstar analogies, but does that mean that the MAC is 2 Girls 1 Cup? By the way, I really think that the RedHawks are a good play at +18 down in Missour-ah this weekend.

How Stanford is only a 4 point favorite is a crime. That line should have started at -10.

Miami University, now 2-1, is over .500 for the first time since 2007. WHERE IS OUR BCS TALK, FUCKOS!!!

GMoney said...

Oh, and Rufus the Pussy beating the shit out of Brutus the Fag was one of the best moments of the year.

Mr. Ace said...

I went shopping in the morning until 1 and then had to be to work at 3. So I did sit around and watch some games but Michigan was not on TV and the internet feed I found sucked so I didn't watch. I didn't miss much.

The MAC is Deuxama.

How about Braylon being sloppy drunk in his Range Rover??? My hero.

I was a little disappointed with the mascot fight. Rufus got a free one and couldn't do any serious damage. But OU is a pussy school.

I will never put my money on the Redhawks. Just not gonna happen. I wanted to pick Toledo at +12.5 because they have been solid the last two weeks and getting slaughtered by Arizona isn't looking as bad now. But I can't pull the trigger.

Drew said...

Ace...you know how I know you're gay? You have a man crush on Mike "The Bike" Hart. I believe Michigan hasn't beaten MSU in football or basketball since his little brother comment. He's got a nice jinx going for him right now.

G$...I agree with you on the Stanford line...I'd be all over it at -10. You know even if it was like 9 points, that Harbaugh would score some meaningless TD with 40 seconds left if given teh opportunity too.

Amy Reid's body is definitely a perfect ten...face not so much...but, who really gives a fuck about the face when you can stare at those beautiful boobies bouncing up and down.

Wonder how many games ole Roger is going to suspend Braylon for...0.16 is a solid DUI.

Anonymous said...

Ace- your sec vs B10 comparison is garbage. Michigan will not be top 4 in the B10. It is obvious that you didn't watch saturday. They might win 3 B10 games (although that would double rrods total after 2 years, so maybe that's success!?)

Is 2007 the last time michigan beat their "little brother"? That's just embarrassing. I can't believe you're even talking shit.

Osu would PWN alabama.

F minnesota and their late meaningless TD.

Dut

GMoney said...

As someone who bet Minnesota +14, EAT MY ASS!!!

USC is 0-3 against the spread this year against terrible teams. You should be betting against them until further notice.

Mr. Ace said...

Minny fucked me...still think smart money was on USC.

Michigan is probably going to the Rose Bowl, so they will be in the Top 4. But that has nothing to do with comparing the SEC and Big Ten. Fucktard.

Michigan will beat little brother this year. Mike Hart is fucking awesome.

Bama is far and away the best team in the nation.

Mr. Ace said...

Houston is still favored by 19 against Tulane despite having to play their third string QB...can Tulane possibly be that terrible?

Drew said...

I loved seeing Mike Hart jumping up and down in the crowd after Manny Harris made that leaner to take the lead in the Big Ten Tourney this year...then Evan Turner came down and just ripped the collective Michigan throat out. Mike Hart is a Michigan jinx.

I think I do like the Temple pick.

The Iceman said...

Bama would crush OSU. Period. Alabama wouldn't even need Ingram or the offense since the special teams would probably ring up 21 against the Buckeyes. That would be enough to win. I haven't even mentioned the 3 picks Pryor would throw in that game all while OSU fans do their best formulating an argument about how dominant Pryor was in that game. There's a reason Bama is getting all the first place votes. They are in a class by themselves.

GMoney said...

Could you imagine the entertainment value of a combined Saban and Tressel interview? That would put a crackhead to sleep.

The Iceman said...

Jesus...we would all need defibrillators on our taints or shove cocaine into our assholes to live through that coma fest.