Wednesday, September 29, 2010

'Audibles'...A Friendly Reminder That ESPN Hates You

I would like to talk to you about Joseph Smith.
Last Friday night, I'm at the gym getting my swoll on like usual.  My customary tactic at the gym is to turn ESPN up really loud so as to drown out the old bitch on the elliptical machine watching Rachael Ray.  I mean, it is EXTREMELY inconsiderate of me, but I don't care.  You're old and I'm a hunk, dammit, I'm watching PTI.

PTI ends and since it's Friday evening, I don't know what is coming up next.  In retrospect, as soon as I saw what it was, I should have cut my workout short and left to go pour kerosene in my ears.  ESPN debuted their new NFL-based show on Friday night called "Audibles".  Nevermind that it debuted well after the actual NFL season started.  Forget that bit of rational thought.  ESPN can't be bogged down with timeliness and semantics.

So the premise of the show is that four assholes sit in what appears to be either a ski lodge or Hayden Fox's office from Coach and they talk about the NFL.  Sounds good, right?  Well, first of all, the show's host is Keyshawn fucking Johnson.  Or it might be Trent Dilfer.  I watched this trash for thirty minutes and still couldn't figure out who was running things.  To appeal to middle America, they brought in Captain Vanilla himself, Steve Young.  And how could you have a panel of great football discussion without Herman Edwards!

Anyway, they will start with a topic, discuss it for a few minutes, and then get a new question from some idiot on Facebook asking about the Chiefs defense.  Typical shit but then my mind was blown.  I was in awe that Herm actually made a great analogy.  He said something like this:

HERM:  "The Dallas Cowboys remind me of a Ryder Cup team (at this time, I'm on the edge of my treadmill waiting to hear how retarded this was going to sound).  You look at their roster and they have all these great pieces that look good and they are all extremely talented.  But on gameday, it just doesn't work out.  Something is off and they can't put it together.  You see--"
DILFER:  "Time to change things up because this is why we call this show, "AUDIBLES"!  Denny from Twitter wants to know if the Dolphins can beat the Jets on Sunday.

Don't you see how this would be the worst show ever?  Herm makes the first great point of his life and it's so good that some dipshit producer won't even let him finish it because God forbid they ignore the three fans of the show on Facebook typing in retard questions for this panel of shit.

This also got me thinking about how much I loathe all of ESPN's NFL coverage.  All of it.  There is not one part of the ESPN NFL analyst team that is decent.  I'm a FOX guy.  I watch their show.  Do you know why?  Their analysts are experts.  Jimmy Johnson is arguably one of the top three coaches in league history.  Terry Bradshaw won 4 Super Bowl rings as a QB.  Michael Strahan owns the single season sack record and was a great leader for those Giants teams.  Jay Glazer has never been wrong about anything.  Howie Long likes trucks and has a perfectly symmetrical body.  Curt Menefee is the world's best black blob.

Now look at ESPN.  They prefer quantity over quality.  It's like their attitude is, "who cares if no one likes Cris Carter, we'll just hire four more ex-players to drown him out a bit".  Chris Berman sucks.  Mike Ditka was an average who wouldn't have a ring without Buddy Ryan.  Keyshawn is one of the biggest assholes and prima donnas in league history.  Carter is the biggest asshole in league history.  Tom Jackson looks like he wants to kill himself (which is understandable).  Dilfer is a nobody who is not qualified to talk about playing quarterback at an elite level.  How the hell does Herm know what a Super Bowl caliber team looks like?  Mark Schlereth would be a better analyst without a voice box.  Chris Mortensen just lies about everything.  The one thing that stands out here:  NONE OF THESE GUYS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!

I hate ESPN's coverage and I didn't even talk about ol' One Eye or Millen or Tim Hasselbeck or kiddie-porn lover Jeremy Green.  You've all been warned.  Never ever ever watch Audibles.  Unless you are curious to see what kind of gay socks Herm is wearing.  I just don't see him topping the pink argyles though.

26 comments:

Grumpy said...

Well, nice to see you've settled into married life and go to the gym on Friday evenings rather than spend it with your wife.

Around The Horn & PTI=the only talk shows of any value on ESPN.

Anonymous said...

Who works out on Friday nights!?

ESPN is just loaded with terrible analysts. I used to like Lee Corso, but have you seen him on College Gameday recently? The guy can't even put thoughts together and sometimes it's uncomfortable to watch. I would prefer Lou Holtz.



Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Dut, you would like Corso.

You're married, you don't have to work out anymore...or lie about working out.

Dilfer at least knows what he is talking about. Still sounds like a douche. But not a giant douche. Everybody else can choke on anthrax.

Tony B. said...

ESPN is awful. I watch FOX or the NFL Network for pre-game shows. CBS is pretty bad as well.

GMoney said...

I fail to see what's wrong about getting buff at 6:30 or 7 on a Friday night.

GMoney said...

By the way, it has been determined that the winner of last weeks $75 giveaway is...DUT! Check your email, homo.

Anonymous said...

WOOO!!! So am I now considered a professional blog commenter because I got paid for it?

Dut

GMoney said...

Yep, go ahead and throw that on a resume and hold your head up high today.

The Iceman said...

"Fuck you...I actually like Dilfer. But I think it's because he hates Cris Carter."

Your words G$...not mine. I've been hating Dilfer for years now. Welcome to 2010.

GMoney said...

It's not that I hate Dilfer. It's just that he talks as if he is the most accomplished player in NFL history.

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