Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Worst Sports Movie Ever: An Open Forum

It's funny because they don't look ANYTHING like each other.
Whenever someone says that their favorite Seinfeld episode is "The Contest", I know that they suck and know nothing about the show or comedy in general.  That was the worst 22 minutes in the history of that series.  I also feel the same thing when I'm looking at some random athlete's bio and he says that his favorite sports movie is Field of Dreams.  Why?  Because that movie is fucking terrible.  I've never understood why people seem to like this tripe either.

Hell, I've even been to the place where they filmed this chick flick out in Iowa.  It was nothing special.  Oooooh, you mean I'm standing on grass that Timothy Busfield may or may not have stood?  LOOK AT MY ERECTION!  I've got some major issues regarding why Field of Dreams is the most ridiculous crock of shit ever and the worst sports movie of all time.

1. When you break it down to the basics, this movie is about a man who bankrupts his family in an effort to bring ghosts into his backyard.  That's it.  That's what it is.  If I just told you that, would you have any desire to watch this movie?  It's like Twilight for nerdy baseball stat-geeks.

2. Speaking of which, Kevin Costner is fucking nuts.  He should have been committed.  Imagine that you are his wife.  Costner comes to you and says, "Hey, honey, I'm going to spend everything that we have on a baseball field in our corn.  And sometime soon, I'm going to drive to Boston and pick up an old crotchety black guy who is probably racist.  I don't know him yet but he will be staying with us.  This may not make sense to you now, but don't worry because the creepy voices in the cornfield told me to do this."  He should have been given a strait jacket in the first scene of the movie.  Because NOTHING that he did in the next two hours made a lick of sense.

3. Speaking of James Earl Jones, he really sucked here.  He wasn't a blind junkyard owner who knew Babe Ruth or Darth Vader.  What a rip-off!  He could have at least told Costner that he was his father.  Or cut of his hand.  That would have been hilarious.

4.  Now if I recall, some stupid kid falls off of the bleachers and one of the ghost players saves her.  But once he crosses the line, he isn't allowed to play anymore.  You know, just like in real life.  DOCTOR Moonlight Graham shouldn't even have thought twice about saving that kid.  HE TOOK A FUCKING OATH!  And Shoeless Joe Jackson was a buttfucking hobo, too.  He lived in a field, fer chrissake!

5.  Finally, the big tear-jerker scene...when Costner and his old man "have a catch".  This is stupid and completely unrealistic.  Let me tell you why.  If I went out into the backyard to "have a catch" with my dad, it would end in about three minutes.  After about ten throws to get loose, I would start throwing knuckleballs, an assortment of breaking pitches that don't move at all, and my world famous sidearm forkball.  After the second time that I threw it 18 feet over his head and five properties over, he would tell me to go get it myself and it would be over.  Playing catch with your dad is overrated.  Especially when you have outstanding off-speed pitches like I do.  There is no way that one of them didn't start throwing a knuckler and pissed the other off.

Basically, this movie sucks something fierce and it is my goal to make everyone know that it blows.  Major League is better.  So is The Sandlot.  Rookie of the Year has Gary Busey.  Little Big League has Timothy Busfield (that guy has the market cornered on baseball movies).  And those are just the baseball movies.  Compare Field of Dreams to Rudy.  Impossible.  Rudy makes you want to cry.  Field of Dreams makes you want to see an abortion performed.

But that's just my opinion (and it's right).  An open forum on the worst sports movie that you have seen has officially begun.  Somebody better say Any Given Sunday because that fucking blew.  If you comment, G$ will cum.  Gross.


Anonymous said...

Major League 3...Back to the Minors. That was pretty bad. Some of Scott Bakula's finest work.


Nate B. said...

I remembered The Program being a pretty good movie.

After watching it again in college, I thought the game action was terrible / unrealistic.

GMoney said...

WHOA on both of those. Ted McGinley was superior in ML3.

And The Program continues to be one of the finest football films ever. Football could use more alcoholic superstar QBs. STARTING DEFENSE! PLACE AT THE TABLE!

Grumpy said...

Any Given Sunday. The Replacements blows too.

Mr. Ace said...

Program fucking rocks.

The Replacements is horrible...but I watch it every tome it's on TV.

Love and Basketball is fucking awful.

Air Bud is the greatest sports movie ever.

Drew said...

"The Air Up There" was a terrible sports movie.

Also, "A League Of Their Own"...who the fuck wants to watch a movie about broads playing sports?

Capt Hal said...

I seem to remember Tom Sellick's 'Mr. Baseball' as a pretty terrible movie. Anything with an animal, a.k.a. 'Ed' with Matt LeBlanc, isn't worth mentioning as an attempt to be a sports movie.

Daniel said...

Nothing like watching "Remember the Titans" after a three-a-day at victory Camp at 9:30 PM, with a 7 AM wake up looming.

Anonymous said...

"He got game" Best baseketball movie every made next to space jams.

For love of the game, best chick flick baseball movie.


Nate B. said...

This coming from the guy who admitted his favorite part about Victory Camp was showering with his teammates in the morning.

GMoney said...

Mr. Baseball was a decent movie! How dare you besmirch Tom Selleck like that, Capt Hal!

I've never seen The Replacements due to my staunch "No Keanu" policy.

The Program likely inspired millions of teenage kids to start taking steroids. God bless them.

Teen Wolf Too should probably be somewhere on the list. WAIT A MINUTE, Juwanna Mann wins. I've never seen it, but has to be the worst movie of all time.

MuDawgfan said...

Mystery, Alaska was pretty bad.

The Adam Sandler remake of "The Longest Yard" was awful too.

And I might get alot of shit for saying this: Varsity Blues sucked.

Upstate Underdog said...

What, no mention of that shit bomb "Ed" starring Matt LeBlanc and a baseball playing monkey?

Daniel said...

Showers during two-a-days were great for two reasons; 1) it meant that you just finished practiced and it's the longest possible time until the next practice and 2) they're refreshing!

The Iceman said...

Isn't this supposed to be sports movies you have SEEN? If some of you have actually seen some of the movies listed on here I'm going to find you and beat the fucking gay out of you. Blue Chips is my pick. That movie was worse than beating off while wearing an oven mitt made out of chain mail. I'm almost positive Nick Nolte filmed the whole movie drunk. Now...let's put the women and children to bed and go lookin for fuckin dinner!

Tony B. said...

"The Sixth Man" starring Marlon Wayans is the worst "sports" movie ever. Game, set, match.

MuDawgfan said...

Oh damn. How could I forget "Eddie" starring Whoopi Goldberg as the coach of the Knicks.

That movie was total shit.

Nate B. said...

Disney has made some good ones:

Angels in the Outfield
Angels in the Endzone
Mighty Ducks 2: Quack is Back
Little Giants
Cool Runnings
Snow Buddies

Daniel said...

Juwana Mann or however you spell it.

SSReporters said...

That retarded hockey movie with Mike Myers.

Also any Air Bud movie.

Anonymous said...

Bonjour a tous.

C'est la premiere fois que je viens sur Content d'etre parmis vous ;-)

Je me presente avant de vous poser mes questions de petit nouveau... (21 ans Paris)

Merci d'avance à tous pour mes futures questions ;-)


Anonymous said...

Just heard the news about Andy Petite. I am so indignant at this moment. I am a life long Yankees fan and am not feeling too good about their probabilities in 2011.