Monday, August 23, 2010

Turning Your Tailgate Into A TailGREAT (And A Giveaway!)

It's that time of year again.
We are less than two weeks away from the reappearance of competitive football.  Hell yes.  It feels like it's been forever since the Super Bowl.  With the return of football brings the return of the tailgate.  The tailgate is one of the great American traditions (gambling, blowing shit up, Jersey Shore).  It is not something to half-ass.  Either do it right or don't do it at all.  While I was at Miami, they tried a marketing campaign for students called "TailGREAT".  It lasted about two weeks.  It was retarded because it expected college students to participate in G rated activities and that will never work.  But I still use the term "TailGREAT" to this day because it is as catchy as it is stupid.  Today, I explain to you how to accomplish a TailGREAT.

You can't succeed without proper preparation.  The night before, you should be loading up your coolers and laying everything out on your kitchen tables and getting bags of ice and thawing frozen shit, whatever.  Because once you show up to the stadium and get parked, it's ON.  Now let's get going with the tips:

Parking - You don't need to have a gold-plated parking pass to get a good spot.  But that being said, the closer that you are to the stadium, the better.  You don't want to park 2 miles away to save $10 and then bust out the grill.  You look like a hobo.  Sometimes, saving a little money isn't worth the isolation.  You should strive to be near your fellow fans.  Walking sucks anyway.

Arrival - Three hours before the game seems to be a nice benchmark with a variance of an hour in each direction.  You don't want to rush it but at the same time, you don't want to be sitting there for so long that you get bored and tired.  And that is a huge risk when you are drinking in the sun.

Grilling - Charcoal, charcoal, charcoal.  Go buy a fucking hibachi if you are serious about this.  Gas grills are fine at home when you don't have the time to slow cook your meat.  But if you give yourself the customary three hours, there is no excuse to not have Kingsford on hand.  Plus, lighter fluid is ridiculously fun to play with.

Meat - I rank tailgating meat like so:  1. Anything that can be put on a hot dog bun
2. Burgers
3. Wings
4. Cold Cuts (especially if you are running late or aren't expecting many friends/family to show up)
The bratwurst is the perfect food on a football Saturday.  Let there be no arguing of this.  Now, you will occasionally see some guy smoking ribs or whole chickens or pork loins.  This is fine and all, but not necessary.  No need to be a hero.  And unless you take it up the old dirt road, you sure as shit better not serve grilled chicken sandwiches.  Lose weight during the week.  Fall Saturdays and Sundays are made for calories.

The Rest Of The Table - Call me crazy, but I like a good veggie tray.  Carrots and celery aren't bad with meat and booze.  It is perfectly exceptable to munch on these during your TailGREAT...as long as you use a lot of dip.  I like a variety of chips and pretzels on the table as well.  A cheese tray is a must.  Again, no need to get fancy.  Sure, potato salad and/or pasta salad sounds good, but I don't like to mess with silverware and plates.  It's a hassle.  I don't particularly care for desserts on gameday either.  Some sort of cookie or whatever usually ends up on the table, but it isn't necessary.  I don't need chocolate chips with my cheap beer.  In conclusion, just keep it simple.  And always, ALWAYS, bring more food than you will probably need.  Because if you run out, you have failed and your team will surely lose.

Beer - Cans only.  I repeats, CANS ONLY (or maybe a pony keg, I suppose).  And it better fucking be domestic.  Drink your Heineken's and your Dos Equis at home, dammit.  On a football Saturday/Sunday, go by this rule:  If a case costs $16 or less, it's free game.  If it's more, leave it in the cooler.  Nothing fancier than a Bud or Miller product should ever be consumed at a TailGREAT.  I stand by this.

Other Beverages - In September, it's always hot as shit here.  Make sure you've got some water in your cooler.  There's nothing embarrassing about taking a 5 minute water break in between beers 8 and 9 just to hydrate a bit.  I've blacked out during a football game before...it is not fun.  As Al Bundy once said, "Gotta keep the brain wet".  Indeed.  If you are with any women that do not care for beer and have asked for mojito-flavored Smirnoff's, kindly tell them that they are not welcome at your TailGREAT.  This is America, bitches, learn how to drink beer.  Pop is acceptable...especially if liquor is on the menu.

Tunes - Be careful.  No one around you wants to listen to the new Skee-Lo, GWAR, or Conway Twitty songs.  The Tailgate is built on generic stadium music.  Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, AC (lightning bolt) DC...that kind of stuff.  Personally, I don't think that music should be an option.  Either turn on the pregame show of the game you are about to attend, listen to another college football game (that you may be wagering on), or ESPN radio for constant score updates.  That way, when your fellow fans walk by and ask for a random score, you have the answer and thus you are better than that guy.

Games - I've noticed that Cornhole is probably the most popular game for tailgates these days.  And while it's a fine game, it seems a bit frat-ty to me (much like rape).  I do not care for those people.  I'm simple though.  I just like a good game of catch with the football.  You can act like you're Peyton Manning and it can all be done with a beer in hand.  I always like to act like I'm taking a snap, run a bootleg to the right, and then throw a shitty pass to whoever I'm throwing to.  It never ceases to be fun.  Or you can always play "Drink The Beer".  That's a fun game, too.

Treatment of Opposing Fans - Don't be a dick.  Just because someone is wearing that day's enemy's shirt, does not make you better than them.  I'm looking at you, anOSU fan.  They should be applauded for loving football so much that they travel to see it.  They should not be harrassed.  Maybe jokingly, but don't tell them that their mother's cunt smells like an abortion's abortion.  Not cool.  Represent your school with pride and class.  But definitely let the visitors know that they will be losing that day. 

Hmmmm...I think that's all that I wanted to say on this.  Oh, and if you made it through this Guide to the TailGREAT post today, I've got good news for you.  Leave your thoughts on tailgating in the comments and be entered to WIN A $70 GIFT CARD to CSNstores.com.  Seriously, reading this site is going to pay off for one of you.  Maybe you can use that card to improve your TailGREAT?  And in case you are wondering, I am getting nothing out of this.  I just love you all that much.  The giveaway ends on Thursday at midnight and I will reveal the winner Friday morning.  The winner will be drawn at random.

In conclusion, I would like to announce that next week is the greatest week of the year for this blog...COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW WEEK!!!

31 comments:

Grumpy said...

This should be required reading for all tailgaters. Except for the dessert part; you have to have dessert. I recommend lemon squares or brownies. And when you're asked to bring something to the tailgate, don't be a dick and show up with a bag of chips.

GMoney said...

I just don't have a sweet-tooth. Especially if I'm pounding brews. I'd rather have another brat.

MuDawgfan said...

Absolutely agree with everything and I'll add a couple small points.

1. If you've got more than three hours (Night game) why not invest in some ribs? They can be eaten without fork and knife, are delicious when slow cooked and relatively cheap.

2. If you bring a margaritaville machine to a tailgate - you're the MVP of the day, no question

3. For early morning games (12 noon kicks), have your lady friends fry mass bacon, or make a breakfast casserole. Transports easily in coolers and great with bloody mary's prior to kickoff.

4. Invest in a second cooler to keep warm foods, warm. And for goodness sake, bring plenty of condiments including hot sauce.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, who the fuck eats lemon squares anymore? You probably want some coffee cake too, huh?

When I had season tickets last year for Michigan the Helberg/Boxer crew put on a hell of a tailgate display every week. Multiple new meets every week. Always had burgers and dogs, but would mix it up with wings, chicken sandwiches, or pulled pork. It was impressive. The definition of TailGREAT. Plus we had an Octobong, which is an enormous bong that had 8 hoses coming out of it. I don't bong beers because I don't deep throat, but it was an added bonus.

And stay away from Captain Morgan, that bastard.

Anonymous said...

Soounds like Boxer/Helberg have had lots of practice tailgating!! Kind of like the Michigan football team - maybe too much practice!!!

Do they still leave in the 3rd quarter and do they still run out of beer??

Anonymous said...

Shish kabobs also work well. Can be prepped the the night before. Covers your meat and veggies. No plates/forks needed and they cook up pretty quick.

J from JBeanie

Drew said...

Agree with just about all of it. I'd say add more dips though...love some crock pots with sausage cheese deep and stuff like that.

I'm also a huge fan of the veggie tray. Perhaps, it just makes me feel a little less than the savage I am on football saturday's.

I do think that different areas tailgate in different ways. The G$ approach sounds like a good Midwestern tailgate approach. MUDawgfan says that the person bringing a margaritaville machine is MVP. I don't know if he goes to games in Fagville or that's what they do in Georgia, but that's a queer tailgate in my opinion. When I went out to USC to watch them kick the shit out of the Buckeyes two years ago...there was some weird shit. There were multiple tailgates where they had DJ's...this one tailgate was about 60 Hispanics...all around a few cars and they had a big tent...and this guy "DJ Kryptonite" was running the party...and it was a wild little scene. Lots of hot Hispanic girls getting wild in that group.

Anonymous said...

A good homemade Chili is always a must at most of our Browns tailgates. Can throw it on top of your dogs, have a bowl or dip some chips in it.

Seal

Grumpy said...

Ace, you're a dick head. Coffee cake is great for 12:00 kickoffs. Fuck you, I like lemon squares. Someone who hangs at highway rest stops shouldn't be criticizing what others put in their mouths.

Anonymous said...

I got a halfy reading this because I'm so hungry for football/tailgreating.

Tailgating at tOSU sucks because unless you pay out the ass, you can only tailgate 10 miles from the stadium. This leaves me paying out the ass at Little Bar instead now that Hiney Gate is over. The Columbus crew (not the faggy soccer team) needs to come together and get a good parking spot and tailgate like pros. Enough of this BS that we went through last year.

Ill listen to Mudawg's tailgating advice over G$'s. If there's one thing that southerners know (other than talking like hillbillies and cheating in football), its how to tailgate. They don't F around like we do up here.

Dut

GMoney said...

Seal, chili is outstanding. One of the few times that I enjoy fumbling around with utensils.

Dut, you're right. We really should pool money together, buy a parking pass, and do it up right.

I have never been up there with him, but I guarantee that Boxer does it the right way.

MuDawgfan said...

Drew - you cocksucking weirdo.

The Margaritaville machine is critical for keeping the ladies at the tailgate. Not sure what mama-jamas you have at your tailgates, but most of the girls I know don't like to pound 10-12 beers so they generally stay or limit their drinking.
However, if you throw in a Margarita maker, they'll stick around and drink all day before they get drunk and fall on your schlong later that night.

Plus - when did drinking Margaritas become gay? Isn't it damn near 100 degrees in Ohio too? It's not Zima or Mike's Hard Lemonade, it's a Margarita. They're awesome and quite refresing.

Tony B. said...

Utensils are the bane of my tailgating existence. But I do have to agree that chili would be worth the hassle (putting chili directly on a bunned meat FTW.)

Excellent comprehensive tailgate advice. I do think there needs to be some drink besides beer for any ladies frequenting the tailgate area, but otherwise this post is a solid standard for tailgating.

meeyeehere said...

Meat,come on,you just need more meat but I have never known a man to turn down any of my brownies!!!!Also,I make a bad ass whiskey fudge!!!!!I want a CSN something! thanks
jacksoncrisman@yahoo.com

The Iceman said...

My tailgating experiences usually end up with someone pounding beers way too fast as they call the rest of the people pacing themselves huge pussies. Usually 3 hours later that person is passed out in a pile of their own puke covered in everyone's piss. Rookies. Here's a little recipe I'll pass along to you fuckers. You'll want to blow me it's that damn good. It's called beer dip. Two 8 oz. blocks of cream cheese, one 16 oz bag of shredded cheddar cheese (or co-jack), one packet of dry ranch dip mix and roughly 8 ounces of beer. Throw all the shit into one bowl and mix together. Add more beer as you need until the consistency is that of a scoopable dip. If you're feeling wild, I usually like to add bacon and hot sauce. It'll change you life.

Kristen said...

I agree with the kabobs suggestion! That is what I usually make and everyone always LOVES them. Quick, easy and delicious!!!

couponboss at gmail dot com

LAMusing said...

Good tips - I gotta say it's been years since I was tailgating - the last time turned into such a drunken brawl I've stayed away.,, maybe it's time to try again :)
I agree with Grumpy about dessert. Gotta have it - even if it sjust cold fruit.

adrianecoros(at)gmail(dot)com

Norma said...

I'm embarrassed to say I've never been to a tailgate party :P

bingomamanorma(at)gmail(dot)com

The Iceman said...

I love how there are all these random posts from never before seen people on here now that something can be won with commenting on this one post. Fuckin posers. You guys are probably the ones that drive down a strip of road looking for that one gas station that is 2 cents cheaper per gallon than the rest of the stations you just drove by. Cheap and fucking lame. That's you.

lmurley2000 said...

i agree with most of the post but i like to have chocolate oatmeal cookies for dessert.

lmurley2000@yahoo.com

Terry Mac said...

Very interesting comments/rules you have there. I haven't heard of these tailGreat's before, sort of have seen one or two...usually watch the games at home! But these sound like a lot of fun, so I think I will start attending a few more games! I agree with you about the dessert: not necessary. (Even tho the consensus seems to be pro dessert)

Jennai said...

Great tailgating tips! Beer, is of course, a requisite. Ribs would be really messy, but good. Burgers seem the easiest. Or chicken wings. Ever heard of a Magic Bullet? Those are cool for blended drinks which some of us prefer over beer (yes, it's true).
HobartsMama {AT} AOL.COM

allisonsbj3 said...

Tailgating really gets my in the spirit for a great game!

allisonsbj3(at)gmail(dot)com

Nelsby said...

Tailgating is all about beer & a bunch of different meats that can be easily prepared on a grill. Actually, the only time I ever seem to eat hot dogs is when tailgating and at a baseball game.
Thanks!
Aimee
sierranelsby (at) gmail (dot) com

Karine Traverse said...

Beer and more beer and hot chocolate as the months get colder :)

sahmofdq@gmail.com

Amanda said...

Well, dessert is a must for me! Either cookies, brownies or both. Cookies go with everything!!

coriwestphal said...

Tailgating is a great way to bring friends together without spending a bunch of dough! If everyone brings something, a good time can be had with a grill, some goodies, and a truck!

coriwestphal at msn dot com

Hippie4ever said...

You know I have absolutely never been to a Tailgate. Is wine allowed?

kimberly said...

Never been to a tailgate, but I would love to. Looks like fun & yum! kimmymay03@yahoo.com

romig41281 said...

Tailgating gets you in the game for a big game!

Krissie said...

I actually thought the lemon bars sounded good! But just a bag of cookies is fine. But there's GOTTA be SOME kind of dessert!
CalifKitties (AT) aol.com