Tuesday, August 10, 2010
As G Money said yesterday, there was an abundance of Money Shot Maniacs at my wedding and I am deeply grateful for that. Many of them came baring gifts for yours truly. All of these gifts sucks, because the majority of you suck at life. I'm unpacking and going through gifts right now, and let me tell you, there are some dandies.
From G$, a photograph. You would think that after all of the time and effort I have put in here over the last year--holy fuck, it's been a year-- I might get a sweet ass gift like a race car bed, or a gift certificate to Pep's BBQ Spot, or at least a fucking handjob. But no, I get a photograph. I get a photograph of G Money laying on his back, with what appears to be diarrhea on his chest and face. And then there is a man standing over him with his penis covered in the same diarrhea. I know it is the same diarrhea because of the corn kernels throughout. The man with his penis exposed is none other than The Money Shot's favorite gay porn man, Derec Alexander. Thanks for the fucking photo, ass hole. I am totally re-gifting that shit at my next wedding so be prepared.
From Grumpy, a Pos-T-Vac. After doing some research I found out that this is a penis pump meant for people with small cocks and old balls. And since it's from Grumpy I'm pretty sure it's used. That it had half-used MUSE cock suppositories inside it only confirmed that fact.
From Lil Strut, a text message he sent to his brother. That's right, Strut senior gave me some help with this one. And I quote, "Can you buy me some Trojan ecstasy ribbed condoms. And don't tell anybody." Lil Strut obviously had some bad intentions for commenter Daniel's butt hole Saturday night. But he's obviously a gentleman because he got the ribbed for his and her...I mean his and his pleasure.
From Dustin, a video of a guy showering. The guy in the video is commenter Jeff. Jeff, Dustin has rigged the house up with voyeur cams so he can watch your every move. GET THE FUCK OUT! Dustin also stole all the tampons out of the women's restroom at the wedding reception. Yes, even the used ones, which explains why everybody thought he was wearing lipstick.
From Damman, a poem. It reads: "Roses are red, violets are blue, how long until you make me taste my poo." I had no idea he was such a fan of ATM.
From Drew, I got a package. Unfortunately, Drew wasn't able to make it to my wedding reception. The reception hall was located adjacent to a children's playground and his government mandated cock shock collar doesn't allow him to come within 100 yards of public areas that are likely to contain small children. But he did send me a gift in his absence. I don't know exactly what use I can get out of them, but Drew, thank you for the bloody underwear of a seven year old boy...you obviously didn't use Lil Struts ribbed condoms.
But seriously, thanks to everyone who was able to take part in the wedding, and to all of the roasters from Friday. You guys are easily the best commentariate on the interwebs, even if you're all a bunch of faggots.