Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Thank All of You For The Wonderful Gifts

(Anything for an erection)

It is Sunday night at 10:00 PM and I am running on fumes. I leave for Vegas in less than 24 hours and still haven't finished unpacking all my shit. I'm not telling you this to make an excuse for what is going to follow. I am telling you this because after youread the following you will realize how fucking awesome I am.

As G Money said yesterday, there was an abundance of Money Shot Maniacs at my wedding and I am deeply grateful for that. Many of them came baring gifts for yours truly. All of these gifts sucks, because the majority of you suck at life. I'm unpacking and going through gifts right now, and let me tell you, there are some dandies.

From G$, a photograph. You would think that after all of the time and effort I have put in here over the last year--holy fuck, it's been a year-- I might get a sweet ass gift like a race car bed, or a gift certificate to Pep's BBQ Spot, or at least a fucking handjob. But no, I get a photograph. I get a photograph of G Money laying on his back, with what appears to be diarrhea on his chest and face. And then there is a man standing over him with his penis covered in the same diarrhea. I know it is the same diarrhea because of the corn kernels throughout. The man with his penis exposed is none other than The Money Shot's favorite gay porn man, Derec Alexander. Thanks for the fucking photo, ass hole. I am totally re-gifting that shit at my next wedding so be prepared.

From Grumpy, a Pos-T-Vac. After doing some research I found out that this is a penis pump meant for people with small cocks and old balls. And since it's from Grumpy I'm pretty sure it's used. That it had half-used MUSE cock suppositories inside it only confirmed that fact.

From Lil Strut, a text message he sent to his brother. That's right, Strut senior gave me some help with this one. And I quote, "Can you buy me some Trojan ecstasy ribbed condoms. And don't tell anybody." Lil Strut obviously had some bad intentions for commenter Daniel's butt hole Saturday night. But he's obviously a gentleman because he got the ribbed for his and her...I mean his and his pleasure.

From Dustin, a video of a guy showering. The guy in the video is commenter Jeff. Jeff, Dustin has rigged the house up with voyeur cams so he can watch your every move. GET THE FUCK OUT! Dustin also stole all the tampons out of the women's restroom at the wedding reception. Yes, even the used ones, which explains why everybody thought he was wearing lipstick.

From Damman, a poem. It reads: "Roses are red, violets are blue, how long until you make me taste my poo." I had no idea he was such a fan of ATM.

From Drew, I got a package. Unfortunately, Drew wasn't able to make it to my wedding reception. The reception hall was located adjacent to a children's playground and his government mandated cock shock collar doesn't allow him to come within 100 yards of public areas that are likely to contain small children. But he did send me a gift in his absence. I don't know exactly what use I can get out of them, but Drew, thank you for the bloody underwear of a seven year old boy...you obviously didn't use Lil Struts ribbed condoms.

But seriously, thanks to everyone who was able to take part in the wedding, and to all of the roasters from Friday. You guys are easily the best commentariate on the interwebs, even if you're all a bunch of faggots.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good post. Being married still bites. Congrats on joining the worlds worst fraternity.

AK Paul

Grumpy said...

Welcome to our world of misery. I was going to give you a rubber vagina, but the Lion's Den didn't have any small enough.

GMoney said...

That last paragraph may be the most backhanded compliment ever.

Honestly, I really wanted to get you a card with one of those half naked dudes on it even if it said Happy Birthday just for the reaction. CVS has a terrible selection of retarded cards.

I blocked for "Derec" for two years...you wouldn't understand the bond that we share!

WHERE IS MY FUCKING NFC WEST PREVIEW, YOU CUNT!!!

The Iceman said...

Sorry I didn't crash the reception like I promised. It turns out playing drinking games with the merlot I made in the toilet, prison style, is one of the worst ideas I've ever had. I sandwich it in between playing Edward 4 Loko Hands on an empty stomach and driving home from the bar shitfaced and stark nude. I'll be at your next wedding reception because let's face it...there's going to be another wedding.

Drew said...

Obviously, Mr. Ace doesn't remember what type of underwear he wore when he was 7 years old.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you all take kindly to getting called pedophile homos. Just another day I guess.

I am staying at the Venetian and it is fucking ridiculous. I don't even know I am going to leave the hotel.

Also, I know I talked to several of you about places to go in Vegas but we were probably both blacked out at the time. So who has some suggestions on where are some of the best places to go here. I remember J Saul talking about some places...but Modens Dick was in his mouth so I couldn't make it all out.

-Ace

GMoney said...

Peppermint Rhino???

You should also take all of that wedding money that you made and invest in the under for whatever the line is on Eagles wins. Because they, much like you, suck balls.

It begs to be mentioned again, but the day after I got married and the families are together for opening up gifts, I got quite a nice surprise on the first card. I opened it up, it was from Li'l Strut, I skimmed through and saw that "black strap-on" made an appearance, the wife asked what it said, and I just said "absolutely inappropriate".

Li'l Strut is an asshole. I think that I saw his new lady friend in a Glory Hole video last night.

Tony B. said...

I've never been, but I think it's the "Spearmint Rhino." My friend who went said it was absolutely amazing.

The Wynn and Encore hotels are pretty sick. Worth checking out.

Anonymous said...

I'm not gonna lie, I didn't read a single card. I left that to Mrs. Ace.

I got tickets to blue man group tonight and got upgraded to tits-tastic seats. I should probably find some shrooms before I go.

And Mrs. Ace is well on her way to blowing all our wedding money at this enormous fucking mall. I think I'm gonna have $27 to play blackjack.
-Ace

GMoney said...

You could always increase your revenue by jacking off blacks in lieu of blackjack.