Friday, August 27, 2010

Step Off My Garbage Disposal


Mr. Ace here, carrying the flag for cock and balls.

I'm a man, dammit. There are few things in my home that I have the right to control. The television is obviously mine. I am the King of going through the guide for 15 minutes and then just staying on a Jersey Shore re-run cause everything else sucks. Clearly, I dominate the grill. It's just a piece of shit electric Holland that takes 45 minutes to cook two burgers, but dammit, it's mine. I don't ask for much, just let me control what is mine.

The other day Mrs. Ace and I were eating some BBQ that was left over from the wedding--it was frozen, we weren't eating two week old BBQ. And in this BBQ were some rib tips. You know how some tips have small pieces of cartilage left in the ends? What do you do with those after you're done eating?

Being the bitch I am, I did the dishes. Where do you think I dump everything? The fucking garbage disposal, the only other thing that I control in my house. So I dump everything down the garbage disposal; chicken, corn, bread, rib tips. I dump it and then I fire up the garbage disposal and it's just purring like a kitten. Then it gets to the tips and it's sounding a little rough, but it's still grinding its way through. Mrs. Ace hears this and loses her fucking mind. You would have thought I shoved a cinder block in there by her reaction. So she gets all pissy and starts talking about how her dad put almost nothing down their disposal and it sounds horrible and I'm a horrible husband and it's going to cost $13,000 to fix. Christ. Ladies, if there are any out there who read this, no guy wants to hear what or how your father used to do anything. He obviously wasn't that great of a father because if he had raised you right, you wouldn't be married to me.

Simmer down. I'm the fucking Toolboy. I could write a book on what can be put down a garbage disposal. It would be a very short book, and on every page it would say "EVERYTHING" in large, bold letters. Rib tips, chicken bones, T-bones, chop sticks, pigs feet, moose knuckles, whatever the fuck you can think of. The garbage disposal is a machine meant for destroying everything in its path. You're doing it a disservice by not challenging it.

Men, take control of what is rightfully yours. If you want to throw a steak knife in the garbage disposal and crank it, then goddammit, do it. It's your right.

11 comments:

Grumpy said...

Big talk. My guess is you'll never put anything in the garbage disposal again before you clear it with Mrs. Ace.

Drew said...

Much like knives and things with sharp points, I'm sure your handler doesn't want you playing with the garbage disposal either.

GMoney said...

I agree. This is what garbage disposals do...DESTROY! And leftover wedding food is the best.

Anyway, I held the "drawing" for the winner of the gift card last night...ugh, Mr. Garbage Disposal himself was the winner. Check your email, Ace.

Mr. Ace said...

I'M RICH, BITCH!

Mr. Ace said...

Sooo....who wants a $70 gift card in exchange for $40 cash? I can't buy porn or booze and can't use the gift card towards sports betting, so I really have no use for it with my deviant lifestyle.

GMoney said...

In case you all were wondering if my dog is still racist, yes, he is. I came home from work yesterday to see a 600 page biography on Willie Mays ripped to shreds ALL OVER the house. My dog has always hated the Negro Leagues. We do not celebrate Jackie Robinson Day in our house.

Mr. Ace said...

DFLer's, who do we think is going to have the worst draft on Sunday? You can't pick Moden because that is too obvious. I'm voting for Daniel. A team full of Fuckeyes and Bills is a surefire way to have the least total points in DFL history.

GMoney said...

Ace, after you break the bank on Alex Smith, Laurence Maroney, and Jason Avant, I'm smelling a no-win season out of you.

By the way, fag commenter Dut is apparently too busy for his portion of the preview next week (I gave him three fucking weeks). So Li'l Strut is taking over for him. Please adjust your schedules for the change.

Mr. Ace said...

I was out with those fags last night when they were discussing this deal. Beware, LS may cause a Fuckeye riot. Just a warning.

Warrick said...

In case you all were wondering if my dog is still racist, yes, he is. I came home from work yesterday to see a 600 page biography on Willie Mays ripped to shreds ALL OVER the house. My dog has always hated the Negro Leagues. We do not celebrate Jackie Robinson Day in our house.

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