Friday, August 27, 2010
Mr. Ace here, carrying the flag for cock and balls.
I'm a man, dammit. There are few things in my home that I have the right to control. The television is obviously mine. I am the King of going through the guide for 15 minutes and then just staying on a Jersey Shore re-run cause everything else sucks. Clearly, I dominate the grill. It's just a piece of shit electric Holland that takes 45 minutes to cook two burgers, but dammit, it's mine. I don't ask for much, just let me control what is mine.
The other day Mrs. Ace and I were eating some BBQ that was left over from the wedding--it was frozen, we weren't eating two week old BBQ. And in this BBQ were some rib tips. You know how some tips have small pieces of cartilage left in the ends? What do you do with those after you're done eating?
Being the bitch I am, I did the dishes. Where do you think I dump everything? The fucking garbage disposal, the only other thing that I control in my house. So I dump everything down the garbage disposal; chicken, corn, bread, rib tips. I dump it and then I fire up the garbage disposal and it's just purring like a kitten. Then it gets to the tips and it's sounding a little rough, but it's still grinding its way through. Mrs. Ace hears this and loses her fucking mind. You would have thought I shoved a cinder block in there by her reaction. So she gets all pissy and starts talking about how her dad put almost nothing down their disposal and it sounds horrible and I'm a horrible husband and it's going to cost $13,000 to fix. Christ. Ladies, if there are any out there who read this, no guy wants to hear what or how your father used to do anything. He obviously wasn't that great of a father because if he had raised you right, you wouldn't be married to me.
Simmer down. I'm the fucking Toolboy. I could write a book on what can be put down a garbage disposal. It would be a very short book, and on every page it would say "EVERYTHING" in large, bold letters. Rib tips, chicken bones, T-bones, chop sticks, pigs feet, moose knuckles, whatever the fuck you can think of. The garbage disposal is a machine meant for destroying everything in its path. You're doing it a disservice by not challenging it.
Men, take control of what is rightfully yours. If you want to throw a steak knife in the garbage disposal and crank it, then goddammit, do it. It's your right.