Friday, August 06, 2010

The Money Shot Roast of Mr. Ace

This doesn't LOOK like a gay porno, but it HAS to be with that title.
As most of you probably already know, VD-ridden Tuesday writer, Mr. Ace is getting married in the eyes of Jesus tomorrow.  Technically, he's already married but since his pastor is a dickhead, the Ace's have to go through the process twice.  Jesus don't fuck around with people living in sin!  When I got married a year ago, he threw a lovely eulogy post together in my honor.  I don't roll that way though.  We're roasting him today.  Now we don't have the budget to bring in Dr. Ruth or Jeffery Ross, but what we do have are a lot of people that hate Mr. Ace and aren't afraid to grab him by the balls and tell him that he sucks.  Let's get started as I will be serving as the Roastmaster for this event.

So Mr. and Mrs. Ace are getting hitched after 9 or so years of courtship.  How adorable.  I've met them.  They seem to love each other.  I sort of have to call into question her Matt Millen-like decision when it comes to settling down though.  When a man's greatest accomplishment is "queefing the alphabet", I'm not sure that he's husband material.  I mean seriously, have you seen this guy?  He looks like someone stuck Jay Cutler's head on Mr. Potato Head's body.  But I digress.  Let's get the initial corpse up here.

We’re starting first with the commentariat’s oldest member. The guy who has a handful of Werther's Originals on him at all times.  A man who asked to go first because he might not be alive by the time this post ends…GRUMPY!

We all know that the impending marriage of Mr. Ace is a sham. He has never shown interest in women before. Either he needs this marriage to avoid deportation or it's to make the neighbors think he's safe because he's married and they will let their little boys back out to play.

Next up, we’ve got perhaps Ace’s least biggest fan. A guy that once woke up, after a long night of drinking, with his fist so far up his ass that he was tickling his ribcage from within…DREW!

I am not a friend of Mr. Ace nor do I ever plan to be. The only way I know of Mr. Ace is from his years of making the dumbest comments in the commentator section and then somehow being "promoted" to being allowed to make his own posts on Tuesdays. I always wondered why G$ decided to do this and then one day it hit me. Back in high school we had an Austistic/Retarded kid named Lucas. Lucas was annoying when you just had brief encounters with him in the lunch room or in the hallway. But, then people grew to realize that to actually make having a retard around be fun, people had to include Lucas in on things. So a few guys would occasionally sit at lunch with him and tell him that they were a gang named "Lucas and the Hostiles". He loved this. He was also obsessed with wrestling and one year people actually had him try out for the wrestling team. A bunch of people went to his first match and got to see him attempt the Stone Cold Stunner and completely fail....then get thrown to the mat. What does this have in common with Mr. Ace? It's obvious that G$ realized like all of us just how retarded Mr. Ace is and that it does no good by having his fucking moronic comments only be in the comments section every day. So, for one day a week our own Money Shot retard gets his day in the sun and we can laugh at how stupid he is while he actually thinks that he's doing something impressive. I now view posts like his "May The Foricer Be With You" as the blogging equivalent of the Lucas Stone Cold Stunner attempt.

So, congrats Mr. Ace on getting "married". The way I envision it is that this weekend you will be walking down an "aisle" at the local downie school in your sweat pants and moon boots, while some fat slob of a woman who has devoted her life to being your handler will be kind of enough to say "I do". After this "ceremony" you will be at a party with all of your "friends" who will be with their real life wives and girlfriends drinking real wine and beer, while you wander around walking aimlessly sipping from the sparkling juice cup that your parents gave to you...and ending up back home eating cheeseballs while masturbating to Rich Rod interviews and punching in letter by letter the entry for your next Tuesday entry...because that's all you really have in life, you fucking retard.

Hoooo boy, that’s some quality Ace-hate right there. Batting third today is a man whose last meal if he were ever on Death Row would be mashed potatoes and scrotum…NAPTOWN WOLVERINE!

As we all know, Ace is a worthless case for being a human being. His knowledge of football is about as good as his knowledge of the opposite sex. We all know that his true calling is gangbang gay porn and not sports. Even though his intentions might be good, the more cock that is in the room, the more comfortable Ace feels because he thinks that there is a good chance for him to swallow some man-seed. The fact that the woman will catch him sucking some guys dick must be a turn on, because I still can't figure out why she accepted your request of cum-filled orgies and beastiality. Congratulations, on the great time you and the wife will have in your lifetime.

Today’s cleanup hitter is none other than LI’L STRUT! Not only does he have the distinction of being a groomsman tomorrow, but he also only became a lawyer to fight for gay rights. Keep reaching for that rainbow, fag!

Although I am a friend of Ace, it is still difficult at times. One reason for this is because he thinks he knows everything about sports, even though he knows next to nothing. Talking to Ace talk about sports is like watching Dut's new girlfriend take 4 dicks in only 3 holes. Although you are a willing participant, it is still painful to watch. Nevertheless, I still consider Ace a friend, because unlike commenter Daniel's mom, Ace swallows! Congratulations, Ace!

And Ace gave us Porn Day here and that was one amazing day.  So give him some credit.  Up next in today’s cavalcade of tastelessness, a gentleman that has been inside so many fat white chicks that you would think he’s a black guy…DAMMAN!

Ace, your shitty blogging skills are only topped by your shitty golfing skills. Ace vs Dut on the golf course would be like watching a Michigan intersquad game. Not fun. I loathe Tuesdays now due to your insane ramblings on topics which you know nothing about such as college football. I would rather watch a roundtable discussion with Stephen A. Smith, Chris Berman, Skip Bayless and Mark May for 24 hours straight than read about your thoughts about college football (and all other things).

Your only shot at redemption will be to throw the reception of the century on Saturday and give me free reign to swipe champagne bottles off of the wedding table. In all seriousness, congrats. And don’t let getting married turn you soft like G$.

We're definitely stealing a bottle of champagne.  Rolling in the sixth spot this morning is a fella who has spent so much time in Pittsburgh over the past couple of years that Kordell Stewart had to get a restraining order against him…JON SAUL!

Mr. Ace’s future child (American flag suit, God Bless America) starting off his stellar “athletic” career. Have fun at all those 10 hour per day/all weekend youth swim meets, faggot.

No roast would be complete without a grilling by this man. A man with the wettest jumper I have ever seen. The only thing that could compare to its wetness is his mother’s vagina…THE ICEMAN!

Ace is getting married? Since when is gay marriage allowed in Ohio? What's that? That's a woman?? Jesus...she could be Macho Man Randy Savage's stunt double. No wonder Ace's dick is so's useless to him. I liken it to an appendix or a third nipple. If I were him I'd just remove what he calls a cock altogether since it's obvious who fucks who in that relationship. The good news is Ace's asshole is already as wide and used up as a pornstar's blown out pussy so the transition to becoming a woman will be an easy one. Just remember to wipe front to back buddy. Getting shit on your clit is not attractive...unless you're Asian.

And finally…it’s payback time. And this time, it’s flaming. The Prop 8’ers are fighting back dammit. We finish the roast of Mr. Ace with mustache rides for all courtesy of the legendary, UNCLE TIM!

Mr. Ace is getting married?! OMFG!!! To a woman? This has to be a joke. Jesus Chriiist. I remember that little butt fucker when he was one of my sixth graders. I always felt bad for him because he got the shit beat out of him more than any student that I’ve ever had. For a while I thought his name was “Bukakke Face” because that’s all anyone ever called him. I called him Bukakke Face once because I thought it was his name, and he started crying and said he was gonna to go to Herman’s and jam a wire hanger up his ass(I figured he meant his D’s penis)! Instead he went to the Hardware Store and ate a bunch of Twinkies. That little homo put on 300 pounds that year. I figured he’d be a good football player with all that size. He made it through 2 practices before the coach made him go play catch with his 8 year old son (risky move). My little nephew was a fraction the size playing Nose Guard, and he absolutely lit him up …just like Mr. Ace’s eyes when he saw Shook’s Son in a speedo. What a fuckin’ piece of shit!!!! OMFG!!! Needless to say, that was his last year of any organized sports. Why in the world would G$ choose him to be his sidekick? The fucker can’t spell, only passed high school English because he was able to convince commenter Daniel to make sweet love to Ms. N while she wore his ’78 jersey, and knows NOTHING about sports! Just look at his Michigan posts from last football season. LMFAO!!!! I bet Mr. Ace’s wife is the breadwinner of the family. No way Bukakke Face could ever convince somebody to hire him except his father. Either way, I guarantee this marriage doesn’t last. I wouldn’t be surprised if the bride ended up getting nailed by commenter Dustin on the wedding night. GO FUCK YOURSELF, ACE!

Man, that was fun.  Thank you to all the Kenny Rogers Roasters out there for their contributions.  I have a feeling that the reception is going to be a pretty sick event.  And on a personal note, good luck to the Ace's out there.  As a newlywed myself (am I still considered that after a year?), I don't have much advice to give but I will say this:
1. Wearing a wedding ring sucks.
2. Pick your battles.  I only choose to go to war when I truly want to win.  Don't fight if you don't absolutely find it necessary.

And the rest is cream cheese.  People say that marriage is hard and needs to be worked on, but I disagree.  It's easy as fuck.  Just get a comfortable chair and tell the missus that she is never allowed to sit in it when you are home.  Works for me.  Congrats again, homo.  The roast is officially over now.  Go home.


Grumpy said...

What a great way to start the weekend. You can just feel the love. Congrats Mr. & Mrs. Ace. Maybe you'll consummate the thing this time, though I doubt it.

GMoney said...

I've read this thing about fifteen times now and I still find it funny. Well done, me...and the roasters.

Anonymous said...

Lot of hate for Mr. Ace! Good stuff! I was wondering when Uncle T would break his silence.

Damman- I don't care if you shoot a 68, you're still a faggot for using irons off the tee. How are you going to impress the ladies on the course leaving your driver in the bag? And by the way, I will own Mr Ace golfing tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

Well done by all the roasters. Even though Ace said he would not be reading today, because he was busy, you know damn well he will not be able to stay away.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I've got to get a copy of "Mr. Ace" the movie. It has to be terrible.

Drew said...

I'm currently sitting in a chair in my boxers drinking a beer while on vacation in St. Louis...and had to check in to see how the roast went. Well done by all. If I was in Ohio this weekend I definitely would have crashed this "wedding".

Anonymous said...

who the Fuck vacations in St. Louis?

Jimmy Hat

The Iceman said...

After much though I decided that I am for sure, in this order, crashing the reception, getting black out drunk off cheap booze, finger banging someone's grandmother under a table and dunking my entire junk into the punch bowl while drawing penises all over the wedding cake with my granny pussy juice covered fingers. Sounds like a typical Saturday night for the Iceman.

GMoney said...

I was thinking the same thing, Jimmy Hat. Was your other option Tulsa? Who goes to Missour-ah in August when the temperature is over 200 degrees?

Tony B. said...

Drew and Lil Strut's roasts had me rolling. Well done by all. Congrats Ace!