If you remember my Monday post from two weeks ago, you will know that recently I (with help) put a fence up around the yard of the mansion. Now, I'm not going to lie, but I suck balls when it comes to do-it-yourself work. My toolbox is comprised of a hammer and two screwdrivers. And it isn't a box as much as it is an old desk in the garage. But I'm fine with that. My tooldesk is awesome. What I lack in handyman skills, I more than make up for in calling people bad names. Isn't that right, you donkey raping shit eaters?
But putting that fence up gave me some sort of weird confidence. I may not spearhead any future projects around the house, yet I am quite confident that I am not the least handy man in the world anymore. In fact, my pride is at an all-time high. You may not want me to put a new roof on your house or build you a deck (you definitely don't want me to do either of these), but you do want me to fix sports. I have the answers. I can get things done. So today, we're going to go through all the major sports and I'm going to make them better by just changing one thing. That's all I need. One change is all it takes. So let's get our hammers out and, in unison, make the sports world a better place for everyone.
MLB - Let's go old school. Fuck the three divisions in each league. We're going back to two. The Wests and the Easts. The Centrals are pretty much irrelevant anyway. In the AL, we're moving the Indians and the Tigers to the current AL East while the Royals, White Sox, and Twins are heading out West where they belong. In the NL, the Pirates, Reds, and Brewers go Eastbound and Down with the Astros, Cubs, and Cardinals joining the Westside Connection. We keep the playoffs the same way, but now the actual 4 best teams make the postseason (due to two wildcard teams). Would anyone bitch if the AL Central didn't get a playoff bid anymore? And the NL Central should be in the International League anyway. Done. Baseball is better.
NFL - Something needs to be done about these rookies and the crazy fucking cash that they are getting paid. Let's take care of it. It's ridiculous that Eric Berry is the highest paid safety in NFL history and that Bradford is getting 50 million guaranteed. Let's do what the owners should have done anyway. The most guaranteed money that a rookie can make is 15 million. Their base salaries can not be more than 3 million/year. You are allowed to offer incentives but those + the base salary can not go over 5 million/year. Granted, the Union would never go for this, but if the owners would just say that the money saved would go to the veterans, this would fucking work.
NBA - Opening night of the 2010-2011 season. TNT is broadcasting their first game live from Miami. The place is packed in anticipation of seeing the new cHeat together at last. The crowd is nuts. You spare no expense. You line up an extravagant color guard to display the flag before the national anthem is played. It's a way to honor those that sacrificed everything for people that they don't even know for the greater good of our country. The color guard puts on quite a display and then they take their rifles and start shooting the cHeat while the Star Spangled Banner is being played. Execution-style, bitch. They just go down the roster and end it one by one saving their final blast for that snake from Akron. The Miami franchise ceases to exist as we know it. Who is against this?
NHL - Move more teams back to Canada. I will never understand why teams were brought to the American South anyway. It was a foolish decision. Did you see the story about the guy from Winnipeg calling 911 a few weeks ago telling them to bring back the Jets? That's fucking hilarious! So I'm taking Phoenix, Florida, Tampa Bay, and Carolina and sending them to Winnipeg, Toronto, Quebec, and Halifax. Also, if anyone has a last name with more than three syllables, there name is automatically changed to Smith or Johnson. No more Afinogenov's!
Olympics - I don't give a shit where the games are being played, the big dog sports need to take place in primetime in the Eastern time zone. You're damn right. America, fuck yeah!
College hoops - For the life of me, I've never understood the automatic bid process. It's time to fix it. Under my new regime, the team that wins the regular season title gets the bid to the NCAA Tournament. Because running the show throughout an entire season tells me more than getting hot for four days (call this "The OU Rule"). We still do the conference tournaments and the winners of those get bumped to the front of the line on the bubble. If they are not deemed to be good enough, they get home games in the NIT. Thus, people stop talking about the regular season in college basketball being meaningless. That argument is over with once we make EVERY game meaningful.
College football - Call this the "SEC Rule" if you want, but it's time that everyone starts seeing the world outside of their own shell. No team is allowed to play more than 7 home games per year. That's it. I'm tired of these patsy schedules. Go out on the road and prove your mettle. Even if it's just one out of conference road game per season, at least it's something. And would a team like say, anOSU, ever decide to play in a MAC stadium? Of course not. They have too much pride. They would feel obligated to play a relatively decent-sized BCS school in their barn. Oh, I should mention that neutral sites don't count. True road games only. Maybe this will finally get the SEC teams to leave their shithole states and actually play someone better than Troy.
Tell me where I'm wrong. Please. You can't do it. Slob Vila just owned it. Everything is much better now. If you don't mind, I think I'm going to go over to Ace's place and install hardwood floors. That sounds like something that I would be good at.