Monday, August 09, 2010

It's Time To Call It A Year

Bengals fans are really, really gay.
You'll have to forgive me if this post does not meet my usual standards.  The Ace wedding was a smashing success.  It was probably the largest gathering of blog readers/commenters ever.  I can't begin to tell you how well the Roast went over with the attendees.  And that makes me feel good.  It was a sloppy ass weekend highlighted by me fitting SIX commenters into my car to head to the bar.  It was the closest we've ever been to having the first The Money Shot Gay Orgy.  As I drunkenly said as we were walking from my ride to the bar, "this is the worst re-creation of Reservior Dogs ever".  And it was.  We're all pussies.  Good times though.  The Patron was uncalled for but I appreciated the effort, -Rex!  But anyway, I've been producing gallons upon gallons of "hangover black" right now so hopefully you will be lenient.  I'm trying...trust me.

Although I didn't watch a ton of sports this weekend (other than the finale of Friday Night Lights which continues to be really, really fucking awesome), it was hard to ignore what was happening in Akron.  No, I'm not talking about LeBortion finally acknowledging the city of Cleveland.  Thanks a lot, dick.  I hope your ONE MILE charity bike ride was a huge success.  That has to be the shortest and most half-assed charity ride ever.  It's reminiscent of his last game at The Q when he didn't even try so that makes a lot of sense.

Where was I again?  Oh, that's right, an awful showing in Akron.  What the fuck is going on with Tiger Woods?  His golf game has officially hit rock bottom.  He is sporting a horrible goatee.  He would probably not make the Ryder Cup team if it was selected today.  He finishes second to last on a course where he has won 7 times.  His swing is an absolute fucking mess.  He can't putt.  He wants to throw tantrums but you can tell that he knows that he needs to keep it bottled.  He's a ticking time bomb right now.  Jesus, for once, his personal life might be in better standing than his golf game.

With the final major beginning at Whistling Straits on Thursday, this is it for him.  He's played well for the most part in the previous three majors, but we're conditioned to watching him win.  Being competitive is not acceptable for Tiger and his fans (like me).   I don't think that he wins.  I don't think that he even comes close.  I wouldn't be surprised if he missed the cut.  And if for some reason, Tiger called me up looking to hatefuck me, I would offer up some great advice:

Just stop.  Quit.  Walk off the course and don't come back until next March.  No PGA Championship.  No Ryder Cup.  None of it.  It's time to step back from the spotlight.  He's only hurting himself.  Take your clubs, go home, finalize the divorce, HIRE A FUCKING SWING COACH, get back to fucking anything that moves, and rebuild his game and, more importantly, his confidence.  Because it's shot.  You can tell just from the highlights that he expects his shots to be terrible.  What he is doing out on Tour now...that's not good for anyone.  The only solution is to go away and FIX YO' SHIT.  Tiger's golf game is as worthless as Sammi Sweetheart.  It's as pathetic as Big Brother Kathy trying to crawl through a pool of caramel.  It's as sad as Albert Haynesworth needing almost two weeks to pass a running test.  It sucks.

Eventually, he is going to lose his #1 in the Golf standings.  Who cares?  What a worthless ranking system that shit is.  Yeah, he's held on to the top for over 5 years now...whatever.  Phil will eventually take it over but he sucks Adrian Grenier's dick.  If he's only staying around to keep that title, he's a fucking idiot.

Tiger, I know that you are reading this as this blog is probably your homepage.  It's time to call it a year.  Go get yourself some help.  Go settle things with your whores.  Go buy a fucking razor.  Just go.  I'll see you again at Riviera.  Hopefully I've stopped shitting popcorn shrimp by then.

16 comments:

Grumpy said...

Fuck Tiger, if you're going to get in a car with six drunken Money Shot commentators, I either want video or to be included.

GMoney said...

My car doesn't have a wheelchair lift.

Anonymous said...

I was able to control myself all night.. Until that Patron shot (thanks Mike!). That put me over the edge and I really don't remember much afterwards. Did you go to Ricks? I went by myself (I think) but didn't stay long and hitched a ride home from some dude who probably just felt bad for me! I later got home and woke up everyone in the house, and puked in the yard. Successful night! At least I didn't cover my parents couch with puke like Mike did!

Dut

Grumpy said...

Fuck you G$; I'm not in a wheelchair, I have a walker that will fold up in the trunk.

Drew said...

I wonder how Ace's "honeymoon" at McDonald's playland is going today?

Anonymous said...

I should have taken a page out of
G$'s book and just stuck to sparkling grape juice from the jr groomsmen table.

-rex

Nate B. said...

Completely forgot about the Worst Reservoir Dogs comment until right now. I

How about Rob Downey's drinks on the house?

GMoney said...

Yeah, that was bullshit -Rex. In case you were wondering, I was in full stealing champagne mode only to discover that I had ganked the grap juice from the kids. It was weak.

Did Daniel ever find his ID? Is Ace still a homo? Did Rohrbaugh creep out everyone? What about the Meow Meow?

Anonymous said...

I think a post to put all of these pieces together is necessary.

Dan found his coat.. Chuck accidently took the wrong one...

Dut

Anonymous said...

Glad to see good times were had by everybody. I just want to let everybody know that not a single bottle of liquor was left after the wedding. That's fucking ridiculous. And I think we went through 4 kegs...which is a little weak but everybody was obviously hitting the booze.

Dan found his ID, another groomsmen and him switched jackets, but he was able to make his flight. Rohrbaugh was the most appropriate I have ever seen him. Usually his pants are off before the bridal party dance. And I am keeping the kitten, which turned me into a teary eyed pussy at the end of the night. And I'm glad Rex made his trip back from STL worth it.

I'm off to Vegas in less than 3 hours...hopefully Uncle T is tied up waiting for me like he said he would.

-Ace

The Iceman said...

If you guys were at Rick's you most likely ran into my drunken mess of a brother Jordan. He would've been the guy full on punching his best friend in the shoulder as hard as humanly possible. Also...in a related note, if you have seen his keys please return them to him as soon as possible.

Anonymous said...

What's the story on this cat?

GMoney said...

They ran out of whiskey around 10. I like to think that I had a MAJOR hand in that.

Anonymous said...

Yep, I had so much fun on Saturday that I called in sick today. A solid 2 day hangover working.

I would also like to point out that G$ and Dut were slamming fuzzy navels by the end of night. Queers. A tribute to Uncle T maybe?

-Damman

GMoney said...

I needed the Vitamin C!

Daniel said...

Commenting from beautiful Orlando with a humidity of 100%. My ass is like the Florida Everglades!

It was a lot of fun looking for my ID while 75% blacked out. I did run into commentor Dut trying to impress a group of 50 year old men at Stimmel's at about 1:30 AM. I'm not really sure where that was going, but it was a very uncomfortable situation. A special thanks to G$ for leaving half a beer on the table to go check his car for my ID.