|Bengals fans are really, really gay.|
Although I didn't watch a ton of sports this weekend (other than the finale of Friday Night Lights which continues to be really, really fucking awesome), it was hard to ignore what was happening in Akron. No, I'm not talking about LeBortion finally acknowledging the city of Cleveland. Thanks a lot, dick. I hope your ONE MILE charity bike ride was a huge success. That has to be the shortest and most half-assed charity ride ever. It's reminiscent of his last game at The Q when he didn't even try so that makes a lot of sense.
Where was I again? Oh, that's right, an awful showing in Akron. What the fuck is going on with Tiger Woods? His golf game has officially hit rock bottom. He is sporting a horrible goatee. He would probably not make the Ryder Cup team if it was selected today. He finishes second to last on a course where he has won 7 times. His swing is an absolute fucking mess. He can't putt. He wants to throw tantrums but you can tell that he knows that he needs to keep it bottled. He's a ticking time bomb right now. Jesus, for once, his personal life might be in better standing than his golf game.
With the final major beginning at Whistling Straits on Thursday, this is it for him. He's played well for the most part in the previous three majors, but we're conditioned to watching him win. Being competitive is not acceptable for Tiger and his fans (like me). I don't think that he wins. I don't think that he even comes close. I wouldn't be surprised if he missed the cut. And if for some reason, Tiger called me up looking to hatefuck me, I would offer up some great advice:
Just stop. Quit. Walk off the course and don't come back until next March. No PGA Championship. No Ryder Cup. None of it. It's time to step back from the spotlight. He's only hurting himself. Take your clubs, go home, finalize the divorce, HIRE A FUCKING SWING COACH, get back to fucking anything that moves, and rebuild his game and, more importantly, his confidence. Because it's shot. You can tell just from the highlights that he expects his shots to be terrible. What he is doing out on Tour now...that's not good for anyone. The only solution is to go away and FIX YO' SHIT. Tiger's golf game is as worthless as Sammi Sweetheart. It's as pathetic as Big Brother Kathy trying to crawl through a pool of caramel. It's as sad as Albert Haynesworth needing almost two weeks to pass a running test. It sucks.
Eventually, he is going to lose his #1 in the Golf standings. Who cares? What a worthless ranking system that shit is. Yeah, he's held on to the top for over 5 years now...whatever. Phil will eventually take it over but he sucks Adrian Grenier's dick. If he's only staying around to keep that title, he's a fucking idiot.
Tiger, I know that you are reading this as this blog is probably your homepage. It's time to call it a year. Go get yourself some help. Go settle things with your whores. Go buy a fucking razor. Just go. I'll see you again at Riviera. Hopefully I've stopped shitting popcorn shrimp by then.