Thursday, August 26, 2010

I Have Prepared You. You Are Ready.

I'm sorry, sir, but that bear gave you AIDS.
Gentlemen, this right here will be my final post until September 7th.  So enjoy it while it lasts.  Before we get started on our final Fantasy Football "Friday", a quick endorsement.  This hunky-looking manic depressive pictured is commenter, Tony B.  Notice how sad he looks.  It's as though he just found out that he has contracted bear AIDS or something.  Tony spent a few years of his youth roaming the mean fields of northwest Ohio.  However, he just released his second album and I strongly encourage that help a brother out and purchase it.  It's only $12 and we can all agree that he's a good shit around these parts.  Critics have said that Tony sounds like a combination of Jay-Z, Motorhead, and Starland Vocal Band.  I already ordered the CD and he even shipped it same day.  You can get it here.  He has even offered to send you a lock of his body hair.  Sounds like a great deal to me.  And if this works out well, maybe an Ohio tour could be forthcoming...

Enjoy the plug that you didn't even ask for, Tony.

Alright.  So the time is upon us.  If you haven't had a fantasy draft yet, that should end this weekend.  My cherry pops on Sunday afternoon over at Dut's house.  I'm pumped.  But I do have to backtrack a bit.  I promised the DFL that I would be getting drunk during the Draft but that simply isn't possible anymore.  And I apologize profusely.  But I will explain why later (blame Naptown Wolverine!).  Last year about this time, I gave you Bling's Guide to Fantasy Football.  Well, that redheaded bitch updated his guide this year.  Here is the 2010 version to ensure fantasy football success:

10. Forget you have a favorite team at draft - I have so many Browns, Redskins, and Bengals fans in my league it is ridiculous. These guys, for the most part, have to have at least one if not more of their teams players on their rosters its ridiculous. I will give Cleveland fans a small amount of respect as they, much like LeBortion, show little to no respect for their team on draft day. The rest however bid/draft their favorite players way to early and it hampers their draft.

9. The Surprise Jersey - Something new in the last few seasons, but it adds a little fun and entertainment to the draft. Go on ebay and find a cheap jersey of a player that you want that you know you will get. Wait until after you draft him, go take your usual dump break, and come back with the jersey on. It usually gets a chuckle or two and occassionally will throw a guy off his game for a little bit, especially with the morons I have in my league (more on that in a bit).

8. Good Food - This is essential. There is no way I could survive the draft day experience if it weren't for the quality of food at our draft. When you start drinking at 8 in the morning, it is important to remember to fill your tank with food. If not you may wake up 8 rounds later and try drafting Cris Carter, a memory that I will never live down.

7. Don't Be In a Rush - One of the biggest mistakes at our draft annually is the guy who makes the comment, "Lets get this thing moving". Huge mistake in our league. We have the jackasses that will purposely sabotage their own team to make this impatient bastard wait even longer before making that drunk adventure home to the wife and kids. Draft day comes around once a year, and it is like X-mas with better benefits .

6. The Penalty Shot - A standard tradition for our league. We have went through years of Pucker, Jaegermeister, Fire Water, 151, and most recently Everclear. This is usually where our draft hits the snag because there are so many issues to deal with when a guy has to take too many shots. From puking, to pissing their pants, to shitting themselves, to crying, etc. All these things make the penalty shot one of the most feared, but loved parts of our draft. This year we are switching gears once again and using apple pie as our penalty shot...a delicious disguise for our friend Everclear.

5. Mutant Gas - A long carry over on the list, mutant gas is a necessity. My traditional pre-draft meal includes a buffet of food that is sure to produce the worst possible odor to seep out of my ass. Last year's meal included ham, cabbage, draft beer, and gravy. An A+ combination, and a recipe for disaster for the rest of the league.

4. Make The Deal - To many times I have been a puss and not pulled the trigger on a deal because I was on my period. Not this year damn it. I am going to be wheeling and dealing from the time I draft my first guy to the time I draft Al Del Greco. Its fantasy football, and that means anything goes. Where else can you trade Chris Johnson to some sap for the promise of a Michael Turner jersey? I cannot wait to hear what this year's biggest trade promises are, and I hope I am somehow the beneficiary.

3. Go Down Swinging - Another carry over, but it is an important one. No matter how bad your team is, this is a pride thing. Let everyone know that you think you have the best team in the league, and you plan on ram-rodding them all the way to the championship. I don't care if you have Michael Vick and Earnest Byner leading your team. You are still the greatest after the draft, and you are not eliminated at that time either.

2. That Guy - Every league has "that guy". You all know the guy that you wait to either do or say something ridiculous. Our guy last year told a story about an Indian who, at a business meeting, had to take a shit, and there was no TP in the stall he was using. So the guy had to resort to using his hand to wipe his ass. Reminder that this was in the middle of the draft, and had no relevance to the draft whatsoever at the time. This is also the guy who a few years ago pissed himself on the couch, and never told anyone a single thing about it. (Ed. note, this same guy is also well known for making a completely inappropriate joke about Joe Jurevicius's dead son)

1. Retards - This one goes along with the one previous, but God love 'em, every league needs a few. The league I am in has a few more than your standard league, and this probably causes our draft to last a few hours longer than need be, but damn it, they make the league fun. Their stupid antics and inability to hold their liquor makes the draft what it is...the best damn time of the year.

That being said, happy drafting, and remember, much like LeBortion, you want nothing to do with Cleveland if you want to win a championship!!!

Thanks, Blinger!  You are wise.  So anyway, I'm avoiding the sauce on Sunday at Dut's.  Why?  Because I am running the gauntlet.  Check this out.  Dut's draft starts at 1:30 and is an auction format.  At 7, I have another draft where the league entry fee is $120 and each player acquisition costs $5-$20.  Did I mention that I have to drive a little over two hours to get to draft #2?  This is going to be a HUGE test of my driving AND fantasy drafting skills.  If I can pull this off, I might just have to be considered the King of the Road and the President of Fantasy Football.  I will pull this off.  I must.  One person is counting on me (N-Wolve)!  I'll see you all again on September 7th...kind of.  I'll still be around but I just won't be wearing any pants.  Behave yourselves and happy drafting!!!


Nate B. said...

Try wearing a dead guy's jersey to your party. Much bigger surprise. Some ideas:

Reggie White
Derrick Thomas
Fred Lane
Sean Taylor
Chris Henry

I know I'd probably laugh.

GMoney said...

Never ever ever joke about Sean Taylor here. But you're right, wearing a Chris Henry jersey would be tits. A must for any truck-surfer.

Anonymous said...

You are damn straight, we are going to tear some shit up in that league.


Tony B. said...

Thanks for the plug G$- I'll have to start using the Jay-Z/Motorhead/Starland Vocal Band comparison on all my promotional materials.

I'm not sure if I still have my Rex Grossman jersey, but he would count as a dead guy, right?

GMoney said...

He is alive, well, and STARTING against the Jets tomorrow night!!!

If ANYONE in the DFL tries to delay shit, they will be destroyed. End baseball practice early, Jeff.

Anonymous said...

I call the red chair. I'll be coming back from a wedding that day so could be a little late as well hhahahha.

I think I'll just stick to the standard 5th grade Barry Sanders jersey.

Chris Webers also been known to make an appearence no matter what the ocassion.

J Saul

MuDawgfan said...

Tony B - Good luck on your release sir.

One of these days I'll get to experience the joy of another live draft. With Miami buddies scattered in Chicago, DC, NYC, Atlanta and Nashville - we're confined to ESPN's online module (which ain't half bad).

The Iceman said...

Online drafts are like jerking off. It gets the job done and if you have a good enough imagination it's almost like the real thing. But usually after it's over you feel a little depressed and ashamed it had to get to this point.

Jeff said...

Practice ends at 1, no worries there. If it happens to be running late, I know where my priorities lie and will be making and early exit.

GMoney said...

May I even ask why you are practicing on a Sunday morning in August? Do I need to alert the OHSAA on your shady dealings? What does Kordell's weiner taste like?

Jeff said...

It's a tryout for a travel summer team I'm coaching. OHSAA has no regulation over us!

Tony B. said...

Thanks Dawg- I feel your pain with the online drafting. We should combine that Money Shot field trip to Vegas idea with a draft. All the commenters show up in Vegas and we draft a league. Then Ace can show us how he was unable to get free drinks while we all get hammered at a Craps table.