|I'm sorry, sir, but that bear gave you AIDS.|
Enjoy the plug that you didn't even ask for, Tony.
Alright. So the time is upon us. If you haven't had a fantasy draft yet, that should end this weekend. My cherry pops on Sunday afternoon over at Dut's house. I'm pumped. But I do have to backtrack a bit. I promised the DFL that I would be getting drunk during the Draft but that simply isn't possible anymore. And I apologize profusely. But I will explain why later (blame Naptown Wolverine!). Last year about this time, I gave you Bling's Guide to Fantasy Football. Well, that redheaded bitch updated his guide this year. Here is the 2010 version to ensure fantasy football success:
9. The Surprise Jersey - Something new in the last few seasons, but it adds a little fun and entertainment to the draft. Go on ebay and find a cheap jersey of a player that you want that you know you will get. Wait until after you draft him, go take your usual dump break, and come back with the jersey on. It usually gets a chuckle or two and occassionally will throw a guy off his game for a little bit, especially with the morons I have in my league (more on that in a bit).
8. Good Food - This is essential. There is no way I could survive the draft day experience if it weren't for the quality of food at our draft. When you start drinking at 8 in the morning, it is important to remember to fill your tank with food. If not you may wake up 8 rounds later and try drafting Cris Carter, a memory that I will never live down.
7. Don't Be In a Rush - One of the biggest mistakes at our draft annually is the guy who makes the comment, "Lets get this thing moving". Huge mistake in our league. We have the jackasses that will purposely sabotage their own team to make this impatient bastard wait even longer before making that drunk adventure home to the wife and kids. Draft day comes around once a year, and it is like X-mas with better benefits .
6. The Penalty Shot - A standard tradition for our league. We have went through years of Pucker, Jaegermeister, Fire Water, 151, and most recently Everclear. This is usually where our draft hits the snag because there are so many issues to deal with when a guy has to take too many shots. From puking, to pissing their pants, to shitting themselves, to crying, etc. All these things make the penalty shot one of the most feared, but loved parts of our draft. This year we are switching gears once again and using apple pie as our penalty shot...a delicious disguise for our friend Everclear.
5. Mutant Gas - A long carry over on the list, mutant gas is a necessity. My traditional pre-draft meal includes a buffet of food that is sure to produce the worst possible odor to seep out of my ass. Last year's meal included ham, cabbage, draft beer, and gravy. An A+ combination, and a recipe for disaster for the rest of the league.
4. Make The Deal - To many times I have been a puss and not pulled the trigger on a deal because I was on my period. Not this year damn it. I am going to be wheeling and dealing from the time I draft my first guy to the time I draft Al Del Greco. Its fantasy football, and that means anything goes. Where else can you trade Chris Johnson to some sap for the promise of a Michael Turner jersey? I cannot wait to hear what this year's biggest trade promises are, and I hope I am somehow the beneficiary.
3. Go Down Swinging - Another carry over, but it is an important one. No matter how bad your team is, this is a pride thing. Let everyone know that you think you have the best team in the league, and you plan on ram-rodding them all the way to the championship. I don't care if you have Michael Vick and Earnest Byner leading your team. You are still the greatest after the draft, and you are not eliminated at that time either.