Wednesday, August 04, 2010
This week, the "Conditioning Test" Edition. I guarantee that I could do that drill. Guaran-fucking-tee it. And then I would be allowed to practice only to have Brian Orakpo kill me within minutes. But I would pass that test dammit. This I am sure.
***So is this fucker done now or what? - Are we buying into this whole Brett Favre is retiring thing again? I think that I am. Although I bought it the first two times. And I bought into that asshole never going onto to live TV to stab his hometown in the back. I am one naive sex symbol. However, this time I think he's done. I must commend that horrible surgeon that couldn't fix his ankle right. Outstanding work, good sir! There are two big things that now must be realized though. Every Viking needs to be dropped waaaaaay down on your fantasy draft charts. Peterson goes from the consensus #1 pick to 3 at best (and you could maybe make a case for Ray Ray if McGahee wasn't such a vulture). Secondly, this will now shift the focus back on how horrible of a coach "Chilly" is. He got a pass last year because Favre was outstanding. But I didn't forget that that guy is a bearded pedophile/moron. He blows. He's from the Andy Reid coaching tree for God's sake! In conclusion, I'm sold this time. Favre go bye bye for good. I am going to his miss his annual season-ending, franchise-killing, suicide-inducing interceptions though. No one threw crippling picks better.
***So is that fucker done now or what? - It's been a week now since Fat Albert has showed up to Skins camp and he still can't qualify to practice. He is such a fat piece of shit. I watched Mike Golic (who was weighed down by the bird's nest on his head) successfully pass that conditioning test in one take and he has a bumper sticker that reads "I only run for POT ROASTS!" on his ass. What a terrible signing this has been. I applaud Shanahan for taking a hard stance with this asshole though. I like that he's making an example of him. That's what good coaches do. They don't coddle to "superstars" when the "superstar" is wrong. I watched the Sports Reporters on Sunday and that little queer Israel SomethingMexican thought that the Redskins were being too hard on him. Hey Paco, that fucking guy took 21 MILLION dollars this offseason and can't even finish two sprints! But the team should reward him for being such a terrible teammate??? I don't even know if Haynesworth is ever going to try to run this test again anyway. Apparently, he is in such peak shape that RUNNING gives him a bum knee. Yeah, what a dominating player. I kind of hope that Haynesworth is still trying to pass this when the season starts. That would be hilarious. The team is preparing for Houston in week 2 yet old Albert is still doing the shuttle run. And one more time, I hate Albert Haynesworth.
***The Chargers are fucking retarded - You know, it's about time that someone calls out AJ Smith for being a horrendous GM and the main reason why the Bolts have not won a Super Bowl. I'll do it because when you think about it, he really sucks at being a GM. First of all, he replaced Marty with Norv. The only reason he has a solid QB now is because Eli Manning didn't want to play there. For some reason, he still employs Nate Kaeding eventhough Butters Stotch can't make a field goal under pressure. And now he's dragging his dick over contract extensions with his starting LT and his best WR even going so far as to threaten them with 10 game suspensions if they hold out. Dude, those positions are a big deal and not easily replaceable. Just ask me. The Redskins haven't had a good WR since Gary Clark. Granted, V-Jack loves to drive drunk, but you can put behavior clauses into contracts. And if you read The Blind Side, you know how extremely important left tackles are. Smith is fucking terrible and before you know it, the window on the Chargers possibly winning a Super Bowl is going to close for good. I'll bet Norv Turner's pock-marked face on it. San Diego will need to strip this roster within the next three years.
***In his mind, #2 is superior to #1 - Drew or anyone else, please explain why Ndamukong Suh is holding out apparently wanting more money than the #1 pick? This makes no fucking sense. Just sign the goddamn deal, rookie bitch.---NEVERMIND, this has been taken care of. Suh now feels the power of Jim Schwartz...in his butt.
***It's never too early to gamble - I've never bet on NFL futures before but I laid some money down this weekend that I hope to collect on early January. I went UNDER on Denver winning 7.5 games and OVER on the Niners winning 8.5. What do you think? Denver feels like a pretty safe bet to me since they have no weapons on offense. And before you laugh at my SF pick, look at their schedule. And then stare into their coach's asshole. There were a few more that I liked but I felt the most strongly about these two and having to wait for payoffs is kind of annoying.
In conclusion, I leave you with a lovely tip that former Redskin and illiterate mess, Dexter Manley, unleashed to a high school kid recently: "When you have sex, think about football." Of course, this makes no sense but make sure that you don't get those things reversed. You don't want to be called "Brady Quinn" for the rest of your life.