Wednesday, August 04, 2010

The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday back in 2007-2008, we here at The Money Shot ran down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results were delightful. We are bringing it back (again) today because I don't want to write 8 straight posts about the NFL.

This week, the "Conditioning Test" Edition. I guarantee that I could do that drill. Guaran-fucking-tee it. And then I would be allowed to practice only to have Brian Orakpo kill me within minutes. But I would pass that test dammit.  This I am sure.

***So is this fucker done now or what? - Are we buying into this whole Brett Favre is retiring thing again?  I think that I am.  Although I bought it the first two times.  And I bought into that asshole never going onto to live TV to stab his hometown in the back.  I am one naive sex symbol.  However, this time I think he's done.  I must commend that horrible surgeon that couldn't fix his ankle right.  Outstanding work, good sir!  There are two big things that now must be realized though.  Every Viking needs to be dropped waaaaaay down on your fantasy draft charts.  Peterson goes from the consensus #1 pick to 3 at best (and you could maybe make a case for Ray Ray if McGahee wasn't such a vulture).  Secondly, this will now shift the focus back on how horrible of a coach "Chilly" is.  He got a pass last year because Favre was outstanding.  But I didn't forget that that guy is a bearded pedophile/moron.  He blows.  He's from the Andy Reid coaching tree for God's sake!  In conclusion, I'm sold this time.  Favre go bye bye for good.  I am going to his miss his annual season-ending, franchise-killing, suicide-inducing interceptions though.  No one threw crippling picks better.

***So is that fucker done now or what? - It's been a week now since Fat Albert has showed up to Skins camp and he still can't qualify to practice.  He is such a fat piece of shit.  I watched Mike Golic (who was weighed down by the bird's nest on his head) successfully pass that conditioning test in one take and he has a bumper sticker that reads "I only run for POT ROASTS!" on his ass.  What a terrible signing this has been.  I applaud Shanahan for taking a hard stance with this asshole though.  I like that he's making an example of him.  That's what good coaches do.  They don't coddle to "superstars" when the "superstar" is wrong.  I watched the Sports Reporters on Sunday and that little queer Israel SomethingMexican thought that the Redskins were being too hard on him.  Hey Paco, that fucking guy took 21 MILLION dollars this offseason and can't even finish two sprints!  But the team should reward him for being such a terrible teammate???  I don't even know if Haynesworth is ever going to try to run this test again anyway.  Apparently, he is in such peak shape that RUNNING gives him a bum knee.  Yeah, what a dominating player.  I kind of hope that Haynesworth is still trying to pass this when the season starts.  That would be hilarious.  The team is preparing for Houston in week 2 yet old Albert is still doing the shuttle run.  And one more time, I hate Albert Haynesworth.

***The Chargers are fucking retarded - You know, it's about time that someone calls out AJ Smith for being a horrendous GM and the main reason why the Bolts have not won a Super Bowl.  I'll do it because when you think about it, he really sucks at being a GM.  First of all, he replaced Marty with Norv.  The only reason he has a solid QB now is because Eli Manning didn't want to play there.  For some reason, he still employs Nate Kaeding eventhough Butters Stotch can't make a field goal under pressure.  And now he's dragging his dick over contract extensions with his starting LT and his best WR even going so far as to threaten them with 10 game suspensions if they hold out.  Dude, those positions are a big deal and not easily replaceable.  Just ask me.  The Redskins haven't had a good WR since Gary Clark.  Granted, V-Jack loves to drive drunk, but you can put behavior clauses into contracts.  And if you read The Blind Side, you know how extremely important left tackles are.  Smith is fucking terrible and before you know it, the window on the Chargers possibly winning a Super Bowl is going to close for good.  I'll bet Norv Turner's pock-marked face on it.  San Diego will need to strip this roster within the next three years.

***In his mind, #2 is superior to #1 - Drew or anyone else, please explain why Ndamukong Suh is holding out apparently wanting more money than the #1 pick?  This makes no fucking sense.  Just sign the goddamn deal, rookie bitch.---NEVERMIND, this has been taken care of.  Suh now feels the power of Jim Schwartz...in his butt.

***It's never too early to gamble - I've never bet on NFL futures before but I laid some money down this weekend that I hope to collect on early January.  I went UNDER on Denver winning 7.5 games and OVER on the Niners winning 8.5.  What do you think?  Denver feels like a pretty safe bet to me since they have no weapons on offense.  And before you laugh at my SF pick, look at their schedule.  And then stare into their coach's asshole.  There were a few more that I liked but I felt the most strongly about these two and having to wait for payoffs is kind of annoying.

In conclusion, I leave you with a lovely tip that former Redskin and illiterate mess, Dexter Manley, unleashed to a high school kid recently:  "When you have sex, think about football."  Of course, this makes no sense but make sure that you don't get those things reversed.  You don't want to be called "Brady Quinn" for the rest of your life.

14 comments:

Drew said...

Quick thoughts....

*I think Favre will be back playing this season. I don't buy the reports and I think ESPN just made them up, because they have nobody to answer to and it gave them some news yesterday.

*I love what Shanahan is doing to Fat Albert.

*It seemed the hold up with Suh was over if he would get more guaranteed money than Stafford. I applaud the Lions for not caving into that as Stafford definitely should make more than him. I wish he would have been in camp on time, but it wasn't too big of a holdout and you know he's in top condition. Spiller is still holding out in Buffalo....he probably doesn't even want to play there and will just sit the year out.

*I looked into Singletary's asshole first and haven't been able to look at the schedule yet.

*How about Michigan's starting safety Troy Woolfork yesterday throwing Tate Forcier under the bus at the big ten meetings? Saying that he misses way too many workouts and that he's close to being "diseased". I love the abortion that is Michigan football right now. Great pick of a player to talk to the press at the big ten meetings. If I was a Michigan fan I would have quit reading the internet/watching TV over a year ago. So embarrassing.

Grumpy said...

"I don't want to write 8 straight posts about the NFL." So you write #9? At least it was amusing, not like every Tuesday.

GMoney said...

Grump, I COULD have written separate posts about these. I chose not to. This is not #9. It's #1...just like me.

Tate is definitely diseased. He has sickle-cell from all the black guys that he lets fuck his ass.

Anonymous said...

PROOFREAD FAGGOT! Three fuck ups in the first story...very impressed.

Favre will be back at some point. Its inevitable.

Shanahan is a moron. Without Haynesworth the Skins D will be horrible. This will backfire.

Troy woolfolk is the senior leader on the team and he called out a sophomore for being a selfish pussy. Anybody who pays attention to M football isn't surprised by this. We knew Denard was starting anyways.

-Ace

GMoney said...

The Skins D has been a top ten defense with and without that shitbird. You're just mad because we are better than the Eagles.

And there was only one fuck up in the first blurb (an extra "his" near the end). The rest is how I want it to be. I'm better. Ask anyone.

Anonymous said...

Can I point out that the Money Shot has provided 2000% more entertainment for me than anything on ESPN in the last year? Thank you G$, ACE, various and dubious commenters for making at least 10 minutes of my work day suck less than normal.

I hope someone on the Redskins takes a page from Gilbert Arenas and holds an AK47 to Haynesworths useless ass until he can find the fortitude to run 2 sprints in a satisfactory way. My job doesn't let me show up high or drunk, so why does Suckbert get a pass? That 21 million is the biggest waste of cash since signing Big Sucky Wilkinson. I'm still bitter on that.
HEY!!! Don't sign monster contracts for fat boys who fall down more than make tackles. See : Rogers, Shawn.
Good God I hate football sometimes.

The only worthwhile part I can see out of the NFL this week is Russ Grimm is going into Canton. Eff Emmitt getting all the glory. Grimm got rings. Grimm ain't debacle the English language.

AKPaul


AK Paul

Anonymous said...

"onto to" and "that that" are not proper. You should know better.

I believe the Skins are going to run a 3-4 this year...they need Haynesworth.

-Ace

GMoney said...

Not that I care what you all think, but come on, there is NO WAY that the Broncos finish 8-8 or better this year, right?

Anonymous said...

Our commenters really suck. I'm with you on both the Broncos and Niners...which means these are holy locks to fail. The absolute max I can see is seven wins for Denver. Looking down the Niners schedule, I see them having a 6-2 record through the first 8 weeks, and after that they still get to play STL twice. Winner winner.

-Ace

Anonymous said...

Damn I had a long comment this morning that didn't save. You all missed out- it was filled with hate on Mr Ace.

I don't know what the Broncos schedule is this year, but they have 4 games that they should win in their division alone (raiders, chiefs). 8 wins shouldn't be too hard.. Plus they have Tebow who counts for something.. I think.

Can ESPN stop talking about Brett Favre!?

Ace- you would spin Woolfork's comments as positive. Good luck with Drob. My last impression of him was that nice pass vs Iowa last year that sealed the game. Good luck! I'm sure you'd rather have him than TP.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Dut, you can't figure out how to submit a comment correctly...I'm sure it was intelligent as usual.

This has been known about Tate for quite some time. I loved what he did on the field before he got hurt, but off the field he is supposedly a giant douche...just look at the website his dad runs, qbforce or something. I like DRob. You act like Pryor wasn't horrible his freshman year and then improved in the offseasons. But you're a fuckeye, so I don't expect logic in your argument.

Mrs. Ace has already had her first breakdown and it's Wednesday. This week is going to fucking rock!

-Ace

GMoney said...

Your "May The Forcier Be With You" post is going to haunt you for the rest of your life.

SSReporters said...

Anyone who thinks the Broncos will do well this year is a moron.

McDaniels should've been canned for being a tyrant but I guess they think Tebow will save the day.

Tony B. said...

Favre is the herpes of ESPN. Just another breakout.