Monday, August 16, 2010

G$ Joins The War On Terrorism

More like, "Don't Tread On Tree"!
I did it.  For the first time in my life, I called 9-1-1.  I simply had to.  My Somali pirate neighbors had finally gone too far.  I had to have the law intervene with their chicanery.  The story goes something like this:

Yesterday around noon, I'm waiting for my in-laws (awesome pop-in stay-over visit!) to leave.  I feel like they are on the verge.  I look out the living room window to see my moron terrorist neighbor driving like a crazy person down the street in reverse.  It appeared that the matriarch of this 40,000 person family was trying to reach 1.21 jiggawatts while going backwards for some reason.  But instead of a badass Delorian, is was a less than awesome Honda.  What followed was great.  This dipshit loses control of the car above, takes out the neighbor's mailbox, donuts around the tree in her own yard, takes out my other neighbor's mailbox, and finally rests up against my tree.  Had that tree not been there, the pirates likely would have driven through our front door.  Did I mention that this whole bullshit was caused WHILE SHE WAS BACKING OUT OF HER DRIVEWAY!!!

Like a good person, once the van stopped, I started laughing.  Because it was hilarious and my mailbox is still standing.  Everyone else in the house started freaking out.  Hell, even the dog pissed on the floor during the confusion.  I didn't even go outside regardless of the van parked in my front yard embedded into the tree.  Fuck that.  I called 9-1-1.  They asked if an ambulance was needed.  Even if it was, I said no.  Fucking moron (who we've decided hammered on the gas instead of the brake) deserved no medical attention.  Needless to say, it was a fairly entertaining 45 minutes in the neighborhood.  I hope it leads to that fucking family getting deported.  It's what they deserve for causing Black Hawk Down.  Go back to Mogadishu!  By the way, if they would happen to release the 911 tape from this call, listen to it.  I am laughing about the whole time.

*I don't mean to sound extremely racist, but minority women should not be allowed to drive in this country.  Ever.  I used to think it was all women that should be banned, but sometimes I need the wife to be my designated driver.  Think about it, have you ever not gotten pissed off at a minority woman driver?  They all suck.  You know what, fuck it.  No woman, regardless of race, should drive unless they have a drunk man in the car.  If you elect me as King of the world, this will be my first rule.  You will be happier.  I guarantee it.

*How can I get my in-laws to leave my house effectively and efficiently?  It felt like they were never going to leave yesterday.  I even had the TNT broadcast of the PGA Championship on to try and bore them out of my house, but it didn't work.  Any tips?

*A few sports stories to counterbalance this post which reads like it was written by a Klansman.  I was told that the Brownies looked pretty good in GB on Saturday night.  I wouldn't know but I did read that Colt McCoy was horrendous.  Good thing you have Jake Delhomme for two years!  This should be expected though.  The preseason is always like this.  Good teams tend to roll through the motions and bad teams like to make statements to make the fans forget about their shitty season from the year before.  I am worried about the Packers though.  When you get embarrassed by the Browns' first and second team offense, you aren't a Super Bowl contender.

*Speaking of Super Bowl contenders, YOUR Washington Redskins shockingly looked really good on Friday night.  Granted, the Bills are definitely going to be the worst team ever this season (they fucking suuuuuuuuuuuuck) but it was still a pretty good debut for the Shanahan Era.  I can't remember the last time that this franchise has scored 42 points in ANY game.  I still think that the brutal schedule this year will only lead to a 7-8 win season, but they look better.  McNabb looked good.  Cooley appears to be his favorite target (like I told you two weeks ago).  Rex Grossman was bad.  Joe Theismann on the mic was even worse.  Fat Albert actually played well.  Basically, there is a lot to look forward to.  The team finally seems to have some direction now.

*Excellent final round of the PGA.  It is becoming apparent that no one can choke quite as awesomely as the Americans can.  You know what, fuck Dustin Johnson.  He had the tournament won, hit a fucking awful drive, and then it cost him on a technicality.  I feel no remorse.  I just wish that it didn't run so long.  Martin Kaymer is going to get titty-slapped by Julie Chen for delaying Big Bro.

*By the way, we had a little 30th birthday party for Swiney on Saturday night.  Since Damman and I were born 8 days apart, we decided that we would throw something for us in a joint effort.  Cake and punch will be served.  No, it won't.  If you're interested in ushering two fuckers into their 30's, September 25th is the date and the Bier Stube is the place to be.  We'll get those fuckers.  Nothing special, just cheap shots and cheap beers and college football on the screens.  I don't want to turn 30.  I REALLY don't want to turn 30.

In conclusion, I was not about to waste an entire post on preseason NFL games and, for a pussy liberal, no one fights terrorism better than I do.  Somebody get me a gun.  I'll find bin Laden in less than a week...as long as he crashes his minivan into my tree.

9 comments:

Grumpy said...

I find it funny that you have a white picket fence. What a rebel.

MuDawgfan said...

Good thing you guys were inside the house when it happened. All of the spears they carry around in the back of that car could have flown out and hit somebody.

GMoney said...

Grump, it was there when we moved in, I don't care for it, but I'm too lazy to take it down.

Drew said...

I'd like to say that all of the Somali pirates are bad drivers...not just the women...but, I'm usually blacked out when those dudes drive me home in their cabs over the weekend.

Post a reminder for your 30th bday party at the stube...I'll definitely show.

Anonymous said...

I didn't think it was possible to lose control of your car backing out of a driveway. Maybe this lady should stick to driving speedboats and shooting rockets at cruise ships.

I wanted Dustin Johnson to win. How fitting would it be for Dustin to have the Wanamaker trophy?

I will spend 40% of my auction money on Browns players this year. That offense is a machine that cannot be stopped. Super Bowl.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, 50% of Cbus cab drivers are from Somolia, and I always dig at them for being pirates (I'm usually at near blackout levels like Drew). I've found that most of them are completely for piracy on their shores because its the #1 industry in their country. No joke.

I even convinced one that I was a doctor. He probably figured out I was BS'ing when I gave a shitty tip.

Dut

Anonymous said...

--I wonder of that lady was in cahoots with Joe T. for 9/11, since Joe T. is behind it (well that is the rumor anyways!!)

--LWM

GMoney said...

Drew, how did the Lions look against the abandoned steel mills?

Oh, you better believe that I'm going to hype up my birthday party!!!

UPDATE--this morning, the dog was back to barking at the Somalians/Muslims. I love my racist puppy.

Drew said...

Dut...I've engaged some of the Somali cab drivers in piracy talk as well. They definitely support it. I had a Somali three weeks ago give me a cigarette to smoke with him on the way back to my place...I don't even smoke cigarettes but, I sat in that cab and smoked a cigarette with that pirate just because I thought he was a nice pirate. If I was sober I would have refused it due to thinking he had laced it with something and would rob me.

G$...The Lions looked good before the rain/lightning came and both teams put in their shit players. Avril and Vanden Bosch both lit up Leftwich on seperate occasions and the Steelers were double teaming Suh from the first snap. Stafford was very sharp too...when the good players were playing the Lions were up 7-3.