Tuesday, August 03, 2010

The Word For The Day Is: Hate

(Nothing I can say will make this picture any better)

I figured I would give all of you a break from the NFL previews because you probably need a little extra time to soak in all that complex knowledge I have dropped on you the past few weeks. Today, I just need to vent. My wedding is Saturday, Mrs. Ace is losing her mind, commenter Daniel worked me like slave the past three days, and everything that I see is pissing me off. Fucking everything. I took a piss this morning and was infuriated because it was so yellow. I hate that shit. What did I do overnight to make this happen? Do I have night terrors where I drink a a case of Mountain Dew? Even my kidneys are pissing me off. I just need to get this shit out.

I hate Whale Wars. It's some lame show on Animal Planet that features a bunch of hippies riding around the Arctic Ocean to stop whalers from killing whales. Sounds like a good premise, I love animals, but these people are fucking morons. Last night I watched them ruin a prop by flooring an outboard in shallow water. How can you be operating a $100,00 boat and not know you can't do that? Why is this a television show? No idea. Why do I watch? Because I root for the whalers. The whales are fucked. Every time I watch I hope to god that Shamu gets a spear of hardened steel through its skull.

I hate Dave Chappelle. I watched the High Park skit on Chappelle show for the 50th time and I am convinced it is the best eight minutes in television history. Don't believe me? Just watch it. After Chappelle lost his mind Comedy Central gave us a heaping spoon full of doo doo butter. Mind of Mencia, Jeff Dunham, Demitri Martin, and Sarah fucking Silverman. The only thing funny about those four hacks is that Sarah Silverman has the biggest dick in the bunch. Fuck you Dave Chappelle. That's what you get for taking advice from Stinky the Bum.

"What you don't understand, is I make love to my hand. So I don't need you honey, I beat my dick like it owes me money. That's why I say, fuck it." Stinky the Bum... I couldn't have said it better myself.

I hate Facebook. It's not so much that I hate facebook, but I hate people. Stop living your life through fucking Facebook. I don't need to know your plans for the day every single morning. Your life sucks, don't drag me into it. There is one person that is my facebook friend who is so pathetic that they have statuses like this; "I'm thinking I need a stiff drink...or two tonight. Anyone wanna join?, I guess just relaxing tonight. Possibly drinking by myself?, Working, then no plans later..., and Nothing to do again, really need to get out of the house." All these statuses were posted within a 30 hour time span. I will buy the gun, put a hole in your face so you can get the attention you so badly want.

I hate Weddings. What's really the point? Getting married is fine, but why the long, drawn out ceremony that means absolutely nothing. As far as I'm concerned the wedding is just an hour long intermission between getting drunk on the golf course and getting drunk at the reception. If you invite me to your wedding, I'm not attending, just wanted to let you know now...but I will be the first one to the reception so I can hoard the pitchers .

I hate Non-Iron Shirts. The other day I got some nice dress shirts from Kohls because every solid dress shirt I own has a stain on it somewhere. These shirts claim to be non-iron, which I presumed to mean they wouldn't be wrinkled when they come out of the dryer. WRONG! I pull them out expecting them to be as smooth as a baby's butt, but they look more like Bob Barker's wrinkly sack. That's horse shit. That's false fucking advertisement. If I just wanted some regular wrinkly ass dress shirts I would have went to Good Will. Watch your fucking back, Apt. 9.

I hate Mike Shanahan. This Albert Haynesworth shit is really starting to piss me off. How the fuck is Haynesworth supposed to die of a massive heart attack on the field if Shanahan insists on him being in shape? Come on, Mike, don't take that away from me.

I fucking hate Porcelain Tile. Pay whoever you can whatever amount of money they want to do it, it is worth it. I was over at commenter Daniel's house the last three days putting down porcelain tile in two of his bathrooms, along with "helper" commenter Nate B. Now, I am a jack of all trades when it comes to being handy. Not much a can't tackle. But watching Nate B and Daniel install backer board is like watching a couple retards try to hump a door knob. Just hilarious. And for the record, if you have tile in your floor, do not let me in. If I see it I will immediately go out to my car, grab a sledge hammer and pound the fuck out of it like Peter North does to a skank with daddy issues.

Wow, stress relieved.

...and I don't know about the rest of you, but is it feeling a little roasty in here?


Grumpy said...

My day is made better by your distress. Anybody who hates whales is a pussy. I hope your dick falls off before Saturday.

GMoney said...

I hate it when you write something without proofreading. The fucking title makes no fucking sense!

I miss Chappelle, too. For my money, The Niggar Family is one of the finest 5-6 minutes in TV history. Hell, I'm using a still from The Playa Hater's Ball as my DFL logo this year. For the life of me, I can't remember what the High Park sketch was about though.

I'm rolling solo on Saturday and plan to drink so much that the Legionnaires are embarrassed that they fought for my freedom.

GMoney said...

Oh, and speaking of Facebook, I love it when people post bible verses or quotes from some dumbass in the 1700's. Ooooooh, how relevant. John Quincy Adams really speaks to my current condition! Get fucked.

Mr. Ace said...

I m an prooofreeeding matchine.

Grumpy, I don't hate whales. But watching that show makes me root against the ass holes on it.

So you and Damman will be out on the dance floor grinding?

The Playa Hater's ball was fantastic. "She wears underwear with dickholes in 'em."

The quotes, bible verses, and lyrics are always great... I fucking hate those people.

Daniel said...

I hate when some jabroni "measures" the bathroom for tile cuts and leaves a 3 foot gap between the tile and the toilet. You are down to a $5 Citgo prepaid gas card for your efforts!

Mr. Ace said...

Daniel, you don't even need a toilet. You can just squat over the flange. You thrifty bastard.

Anonymous said...

5 dollars will spend like 100 for Mr Ace since he will be working at the Citgo. Ding!


Drew said...

I hate Tuesday's at this blog.

Mr. Ace said...


Mr. Ace said...

Drew, this blog hates you everyday.

GMoney said...

SHUT UP! Stop combining stories. If you continue to do this, I will rip your knee off Carlos Santana-style.

GMoney said...

Oh, and I should inform you that the week before the wedding sucks more than any other week in your life (except for the time that you were on results from the AIDS test, Ace).

You will be ready to pound beers like whoa on Saturday night. Don't let the wife try to hold you back. Go out and get yourself some. Some being "draft beer".

Anonymous said...

I'll be the guy crashing your wedding slamming High Lifes in the corner like Farva in Super Troopers. Never shit a shitter...