Thursday, August 05, 2010

Benefitting From A Rape Suspension

Christy Cooley, I will draft anybody that you want me to.
We've moved up Fantasy Football Friday a day to coincide with what should be an epic day here tomorrow.  I'm so excited.  I'm so excited.  I'm so...SCARED!  Not really though as tomorrow's collaborative post is going to be legendary.  So on this Thursday, I plan on dropping a knowledge hammer on all of you idiots.  Today, I give you all a list of sleepers for your upcoming drafts.  Now, I'm still keeping some names under wrap (for my own good) but feel free to consider these guys pick-worthy.

***By the way, I should mention that only once in my many years of playing fantasy football have I actually won a league.  That 2005 G$FL title is pretty sweet though.  If anything, I am a far superior fantasy baseball player as I am currently winning (by a lot) both of the leagues I'm in.  So take all of this shit with a grain of salt.  Some of it is probably solid advice while a good chunk is drivel.  Let's do this:

QB: Big Ben Roethlisberger
Last week, I made a point of saying that quarterbacks can not be a band-aid position on your roster where you pick and choose every week.  You should have a stud that can lead you to victory in the regular season and in your playoffs.  But sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.  Commenter Drew is notorious for waiting on drafting QB's.  And that's fine.  It also explains why he has never won anything and administers fellatio behind dumpsters.  But I see some real value in drafting Ben this year.  Sure, you aren't getting him for the first four weeks, but if you can tread water, he can really help.  Let's say that every time you pick in the first ten rounds, no one really inspires you to draft them as your QB.  Just wait it out.  You can get a top ten QB in round 11-13.  If you pair him up with a high upside guy like Chad Henne, that's a decent stable for your team.  And if you waited forever to get your QB, in theory, you should have a solid roster.  Since the Steelers will probably start 1-3, they will be playing through week 17 to get into the playoffs anyway.  Which means that they aren't going to sit him when you may need him the most.  He could help you and that's all I'm saying.
2009 Pick:  Aaron Rodgers (HIT!)

RB:  Beanie Wells
Kurt Warner retiring was the best thing that ever happened to him.  That and Tim Hightower averaging 6 fumbles per game.  I've read that Whisenhunt wants to pound the ball on the ground now like what he used to do with the Steelers.  Finding out that your RB is going to be playing Steeler-ball is boner-inducing.  Beanie is going to get all the goalline carries, too.  Obviously, him being a pussy is an issue but there is some really big upside by taking him.  Their QB is horrible which guarantees a ton of handoffs and he plays in the NFC West.  Honestly, I would rather have Beanie over Shonn Greene who is the hot sleeper name this season.
2009 Pick:  Steve Slaton (MISS)

WR:  Malcom Floyd
Ignore the fact that he spells his name like a black asshole, the dude can play.  He's huge.  The Chargers throw the ball a lot.  I think that Rivers trusts him.  V-Jack is out for at least 4 games--maybe 10--and maybe gets traded.  Floyd is going to get a shot to break out.  I also really like Legedu Naanee as a deeper sleeper.  But Malcom Jamal Warner here is going to open the season as the #1 or #1A redzone option with Gates.  And you know damn well that Gates is going to get doubled.  I'm tellin' ya, Floyd would be a good get in the 7th round.
2009 Pick:  Chad Ochocinco (HIT!)

TE:  Chris Cooley
Six or seven tight ends will go before Cooley but he will have the second or third best production this season.  He's healthy.  The Redskins receivers, from everything I've read, are terrible.  When your #2 is a battle between 39 year old Joey Galloway and some homeless guy named Roydell Williams, that's not good.  Fortunately, Cooley and Freddy Davis are good options in the pass game.  Look at how much McNabb used Brent Celek last year...and Cooley is better.  And before you go saying that I'm being a homer, the only Redskin that I would even think about drafting this season is Captain Chaos.  The Skins' offense could be pretty damn good or really fucking bad this year.  I don't want to be the one holding the colostomy bag either way though.
2009 Pick:  Dustin Keller (MISS)

DEF/K:  49ers/Rob Bironas
I always laugh when some idiot takes the Bears D in the tenth round and then someone gets nervous and takes the Steelers D three picks later.  I said it yesterday, look at San Fran's schedule.  It isn't very hard.  And their defense is actually good.  When it comes to kickers, it's a crap shoot.  I normally like getting guys on teams that score a ton and don't run the risk of getting cut.  Or at least are accurate and play on a team who sucks in the redzone...that defines Robby Bironas.
2009 Pick:  Dallas (HIT???)

Next week (back on Friday), it's guys that I hate this year.  I suppose I should end the tease now.  Saturday is Mr. Ace's wedding (I guess).  At least the one in which people are invited and beer is served.  So to send him off in style, we're roasting his faggot ass.  We've got some doozies so far from some of our most beloved commenters here but I'm always looking for more.  If you want to get in on it, the email address is at the top right or you can Facebook message me.  It's going to be a bloodbath.  You've been warned, shitbrick.


Grumpy said...

Steelers start 3-1; book it.

Anonymous said...

Grump, again, stop commenting while Big Ben's dick is inside you. It really messes up your reasoning.

I have known about this little roast since last friday. Commenter Daniel let it slip while Dut was fellating him in the basement while Jeff was jerking it to playing xbox with 12 year old boys.

Bring on the roasters, I dare you.

Chris Cooley get top 3 TE production? It didn't take you long to jump on Donovans dick.


Anonymous said...

Cooley being the 2nd or 3rd most productive TE?! Youre fucking nuts. So if he is second he will have to produce more than Dallas Clark or Gates? And that is just naming two... He isnt going to let you toss his wife's salad for predicting a stellar season out of him.


GMoney said...

Grump, I will bet you anything that the Steelers don't start 3-1, you raging homo/homer.

Think about it, McNabb made Celek a pro bowler (I think) and he isn't necessarily a great TE. Cooley is a much better player. Could I see him following up D. Clark and Gates statistically? Hell yes I could. Who else are the Skins going to throw to in the red zone? Mike Furrey?

Ace, the commenters have come through. The roasts are better than I expected from these brain-dead queefs.

Anonymous said...

I just want to let everyone know that I will not read this roast. I can't believe all of you would try to ruin one of the most important days of my life. You disgust me. And if I don't read it, then it never really happened.


GMoney said...

Ace, I was even trying to get Uncle T involved but his faggot nephew may or may not have blown it/him.

Shook's Son said...

Now having Uncle T is something I can get behind

Anonymous said...

G$- not only have you not won any leagues that I've been in, I can't remember you ever even making the playoffs! Don't take advice from this asshole!

I got a feelin I know who Shook's Son is..


Grumpy said...

G$, name the stakes; I'll take that bet. Ace, it's too bad they don't have Fantasy Pedophilia, you could write about something you actually know about.

GMoney said...

Shook's Son is my favorite commenter. Without a doubt.

Dut, I was in the G$FL Super Bowl two years ago and the JFL Super Bowl three years ago. Call me Marv fucking Levy...or Jim Kelly's son. Your memory is like your asshole: a wide gap of misinformation.

Anonymous said...

There has been an uncle T sighting!

Jeff said...

Just remember, "The bigger the baby, bigger the hole!"

Still looking for some clarification on this saying.

The Iceman said...

In what round would you draft Tim Downey?

GMoney said...

Hmmmmm does he have a set position? I wouldn't want him as a QB. Maybe as a goalline RB. Definitely as a drop-kicker.

The Iceman said...

He's listed in the program as HB/K/RAGING SCHIZOPHRENIC. I'm sure you could legally plug him into any of those positions in your starting lineup and get away with it. He's the type of guy that has probably created his own finishing move for in Mortal Kombat...and is just foaming waiting to use it on the field. TD is a solid draft choice in my opinion.

Anonymous said...

In a fantasy pedophilia league, commenter Drew is the Chris Johnson of the're right, I could totally write about that.

I saw a chinese man working at the mall today playing with a small toy helicopters. It took everything in me to not run over there and swat it down and yell "GODZIRRA" in his face.