Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ace's Las Vegas Review

(GO NOW!)

Well, I'm back from Vegas. It was the first time I have ever been there and let me tell you, Vegas is fucking awesome. I will be back within three years...hopefully three months. I regret that it took so long for me to get out there, but it's probably for the best since I am a degenerate. But I got to experience quite a bit of Vegas during my trip and I would like to help those who plan to visit in the future by rating my experience at certain establishments.

Hotel
The Venetian- 9/10- Obviously, this is the only hotel I have ever stayed at in Vegas so take this rating for what it's worth. But the place is just ridiculous. Top of the line everything. The lobby made you feel like you were in Italy...even though I've never been there. We walked through several hotel/casino's and the only one that I would choose over Venetian is Aria, which is a new hotel inside the City Center, which is an entire fucking city of its own inside Vegas. Seriously, City Center has its own Police Force, own Fire Department, and own hookers, and it only cost $10 billion. It would have been a 10/10 if I didn't have to pay a daily $17 "Resort Fee". Bullshit.

Food
Treasure Island Buffet- -13/10- Yes, that is a negative 13 out of 10. Just fucking horrible. I was promised prime rib and seafood and I got smoked beef curtains and sushi. Horrible brisket, horrible sushi(is there any other kind?), horrible pasta, horrible Korean ribs, horrible orange chicken(HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP?), horrible service, and shit dessert. I have never been so disappointed in my life. I love to tear up a good buffet. Hell, I love to tear up a bad buffet. But this was a different level of awful. Don't ever, ever go there.

Maggiano's- 8/10- Great Italian food. I had a Shrimp and Crab Cannelloni covered in roasted red peppers and asiago cream sauce and I had multiple orgasms. If you find one, go there. I had my dinner and a glass of Guinness for $20. Good shit.

Shows
Blue Man Group- 7/10- If drums, paint, and smurfs are your thing then this is the show for you. I wouldn't spend the money again to see it, which is about $105 a ticket. I guess I didn't really know what to expect, and I have no idea how they could make the show any better. They pretty much just do the same thing over and over again for an hour and a half. Cool thing to see one time, but I wouldn't recommend it to anybody.

Cirque du Soleil: Mystere- 9/10- Definitely worth the money. It's almost impossible to describe exactly what goes on in a show. It's like a circus, comedy, and Broadway show all mixed together and laced with acid. The only thing that could have possibly made it better is if one of the people suspended from the ceiling would have pulled an Owen Hart.

Defending The Caveman: Kevin Burke- 7/10- The only way that you attend this show is if you're with your significant other. This guy basically just rambles on with all the "all men are ass holes" material that you have heard a million times and then tries to put his own unique little twist on it. Apparently, men are meant to be ass holes, or something. Meh, wasn't horrible, but you have heard all the material before.

Frank Caliendo- 8.5/10- I can't believe that I saw a Caliendo show, and I can't believe how hilarious he actually was. It was between Carrot Top and Caliendo and I was leaning Carrot Top, but Mrs. Ace insisted we see Caliendo, so we did. He kept everything pretty clean, which usually isn't my style, but he pulled it off. I would absolutely recommend anyone to go see his live show. He did some of his old bits, but only briefly. This doesn't change the fact that his show on TBS is fucking horrific, but his stand up was a pleasant surprise.

Also, there are Asians EVERYWHERE! I got off the plane and thought I was in Hong Kong. It took everything in me not to run into a big group of them and scream "Godzirra!!!"

In closing, get your ass to Vegas....but don't take your wife.

18 comments:

Tony B. said...

The seafood buffet at the Rio is by far the best buffet I've had in Vegas. The best meal I've had was at Tender in the Luxor- but it was expensive as shit. Great steak, though.

I can't believe you left your review of "Thunder Down Under" off of this post.

Grumpy said...

You can drive to Cincinnati and go to Maggiano's. How did you like the guys handing out hooker cards on the street?

Drew said...

I'm proud to say that I've been to Vegas three times and I've yet to see a show there. I have seen Caliendo at the Funny Bone in Columbus right before he blew up and he was really funny.

Planet Hollywood buffet is the fucking tits. That's where you should have gone.

GMoney said...

Yep, I did Vegas once with the wife but I wouldn't again.

For the life of me, I can't picture where the City Center is. Did you go downtown at all? Old Vegas is really weird but something you should see once just because Binion's is there.

That one comedy show sounds like a Sinbad routine except men and women replaced white people and black people.

Anonymous said...

I didn't make it to old Vegas. I wanted to, but didn't really have much of a reason to go.


Whatever happened to all the hookers that used to stand on the street? Now all there is are Mexicans in bright shirts throwing around pamphlets.


City center is right in the middle of the strip. It is new, not even completely done yet.


Treasure island was the only casino giving out free drinks that I went to. But I wasn't exactly playing high limit. Although $15 a hand BJ is plenty high for me.

-Ace

Anonymous said...

Wait.. T.I. Was the only casino giving out free drinks!? I've never paid for a drink in a casino out there, and I think I've been to all of them.

The Venitian is one of my favorite casinos. Grant and I almost got ejected from their poker room about 5 times for being belligerent. In the end, the poker room boss looked like the godfather, so grant kissed his ring and we were allowed to stay.

I bet city center is goddamn amazin. They were still building it all 3 times I've been there.

I got the buffet in Paris and it was one of the best I've ever had. Yous been ripped off.

I'm plottin a vegas trip in October when osu has a road game. Who's comin with me!?

Dut

Grumpy said...

You say it's your first time in Vegas and then you wonder what happened to the hookers who used to stand on the streets. Stupid comments like that are why I hate Tuesdays.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, have you not taken your suppository today? You know how you get cranky. Hookers used to be walking all over the place, or at least that's what I understood. Hell, I heard Carmella Bing became a Vegas call girl and I was hoping to get a piece.

I was a fan of the venetian casino as well. I never got a chance to play poker while in Vegas, though. I ordered a beer at Excalibur and it was $6.50 for a Bud Light. Fuck me in the ass.

All of your awesome buffet tails are really making me sad. I think I might hit up Golden Corral for lunch...or maybe one of those KFC buffets.

Anonymous said...

Hell, I heard Carmella Bing became a Vegas call girl and I was hoping to get a piece.

{quickly makes flight plans to head to Vegas immediately!!!!}


How freaking cool would a Money Shot/TSP Road Trip be out there!!!

--LWM

GMoney said...

Best sportsbook? I thought that Caesar's was nice but I liked MGM's better.

Drew said...

Where the fuck are there KFC buffets?

I also don't know how you only found one casino that gave you free drinks. I don't even believe you went to Vegas after that statement. EVERY casino gives free drinks when you sit down at a table or even slots. I threw down about 20 Red Bull and Vodkas at Ballys in one night last Fall.

Tony B. said...

I'm with Drew- did you even go to Vegas? If you are gambling, you get free drinks. Every casino in Nevada included. Recently, in Reno I popped $20 in a video poker machine at a bar and drank 10 free Jack and cokes. I have a hard time believing Vegas is skimping on alcohol if Reno isn't.

It sounds more like you were using your Shake Weight while watching a Travel Channel show about Vegas rather than actually going there.

Mr. Ace said...

I didn't have a chance to gamble a lot, probably only actually sat down and played Blackjack at 3 different casino's. Treasure Island was the only one that had free drinks. I never went into Bally's because I figured it was just a huge jazzercise class.

Aria had the best sportsbook that I came across. But everything in that place was awesome.

I have seen one KFC buffet and it was at a truck stop off 75. I can't remember where it was and I did not partake, although I regret that decision.

Drew said...

Hmmm...I think I may have come across a KFC buffet in Indiana off of 70-W once now that I think about it. I remember a long time ago many Wendy's had buffets...they included tortilla chips and cheese sauce so you could poor their chili on them. Fucking delicious.

You didn't go to Vegas.

GMoney said...

Are you sure that you didn't go to Branson, MO? It sounds like you went to Branson, MO.

Does the KFC Buffet have the Double Down??? Someone do some fucking research!

MuDawgfan said...

Mr. Ace - should you choose to stay at The Venetian again. I recommend "Zeferino's"

It's not a chain and their food is the best Italian I've ever had in my adult life. Period.

Great sports book at the Venetian. Like Mr. Ace - I can't recommend the place enough. Hot tits on the cocktail staff too!

Mr. Ace said...

Another place we got some lunch was "America" in NYNY. I got a Pastrami Burger that was fucking amazing. 1/2 pound burger, covered in another half pound or so of grilled pastrami, lettuce, cheese, grilled onions, pickles, mayo and mustard. Holy fuck, if I would have died of cardiac arrest at the bar I wouldn't have cared. They also had $3 20 oz. Bud Lights. Amazing.

I also met a bum who said he played in the minors for the Rockies. If he would have said White Sox I would have given him a dollar.

Anonymous said...

The KFC at the Upper Sandusky exit on US 23 heading to C-bus has a buffet, as well as the one in Tiffin. And the one in US, the day I went...HAD THE DOUBLE DOWN!!!

Hope this helps all of our hardening arteries!!!

--LWM