Friday, August 13, 2010

The 2010 Fantasy Snooki's

I promise that this will be the last time that I talk about Ace's wedding.  I swear.  So anyway, the drunker that I kept getting during this event, the more that I wanted to talk about Jersey Shore.  Whether it be the wedding guest that looked like a Mexican Vinnie or the fact that I would love for J-Woww to kick my ass and break my dick off, the one topic that was unanimous back by the bar surrounded little Snookers.  I vaguely remember asking a big group if they would fuck Snooki.  Everyone said yes.  Including me.  Just for the story.  But now that I'm sober, that idea is getting worse and worse to me.

You see, when your drunk, your inhibitions automatically get lowered and you are more inclined to say things like how you would pork humpty dumpty.  But when you're thinking clearly and rationally, ehhhhhhh, boning Snooks all of a sudden is not cool, does not make a good story, and you end up with hepatitis and cold sores.  Fucking Jersey Shore castmates is similar to fantasy football.  You want a team full of J-Woww's, not a team full of grenades.  You want people that have no problem throwing down in a bar, not people that deepthroat pickles.  So today, on this Fantasy Football Friday, I'm giving you my fantasy Snooki's of the season.  They aren't necessarily horrible players, but I would think long and hard before drafting these guys.

By the way, when I wrote this post last year, I nominated Warner, Tomlinson, Braylon, Winslow, and the Eagles D (rotten).  None of them were better than average (Warner was 10th in TD's).  So while I may not be able to spot good players, I sure as shit can pick out the crappy players.  Oh, and this is what Ace said last year:

I'll take Steve Slaton ahead of both MJD and Forte. Texans are going to have one of the best offenses this year and Slaton is only going to improve from last year.

Don't believe the hype, jump all over the Eagles D. Scott McDermott will be just fine as the DC...he did most of the work last year. And most importantly, we are going to have Jeremy Maclin and Desean Jackson returning kicks, that alone is enough reason to pick the Eagles D.
What a fucking idiot.

QB - Matt Ryan
I've got nothing against Ryan.  He's a solid young QB.  But he isn't a gunslinger.  Until Mike Smith is fired (not happening soon), the Falcons will remain a running team.  Ryan was drafted as a top ten QB in most leagues last year and probably will be around the same area this year.  Don't believe the hype.  Just because he's been the Falcons QB for two years now and has not been sent to Leavenworth doesn't mean you should want him.  He will probably go before McNabb, Palmer, and Flacco...but I like all three of these guys more than Ryan.  Sorry, MUDawg/N-Wolv, but your boys are still going to the playoffs in spite of my words here.

RB - Brandon Jacobs
When he is playing well, there is no bigger badass running back in the game.  But I've been following this shit.  The Giants are seriously considering having Ahmad Bradshaw start.  When you couple that with the fact that Jacobs has a tendency to get hurt and he's not the fulltime goalline back, stay away from Jacobs.  Obviously there is a time and spot where he will make sense...but don't do it before the 4th/5th round (or spend more than $20 on him).

WR - Anquan Boldin
Or Boooooow-din as Mort would say.  Mort sucks ass.  Look, Boldin is tough...we all know that.  But he has a tendency to be a weekly gametime decision (which I hate) and he's never been "the" guy.  Derrick Mason isn't drawing coverage off of him like Fitty did.  I don't see Anquan being a #1 receiver.  Honestly, I would rather have Pierre Garcon.  That French fuck will end up with better stats...mark it down.

TE - Jason Witten
The days of Witten being a dominant fantasy force ended last year.  He only scored twice.  The Cowboys have even more weapons now.  You could maybe convince me that out of the NFC East TE group of Cooley, Celek, Boss, and Witten, Witten would find the endzone the least amount of times.  He's an 8th round pick at best.  Some dumbass will take him in the 5th.  Don't be that dumbass.

K/DEF - Garrett Hartley/Baltimore
The Saints don't settle for field goals.  Why would you draft a kicker that hardly ever kicks field goals and only gets you 4 points per week?  A common misconception is that people try to draft kickers from the high octane offenses.  That isn't always the best strategy.  The Ravens have long been a top 5 fantasy defense.  That front seven will still be rock solid...but that secondary sucks.  And Foxworth blowing out his knee only made them a shitload worse. 

I'm not even going to bother proofreading this.  I'm too lazy.  In conclusion, I guess I should ask:  Would you fuck Snooki?


Drew said...


GMoney said...

I didn't even need to ask you that. You would smush the owner of the gelato shop.

Grumpy said...

I thought it was going to be a cool post about nailing some Jersey tail and you turn it into another post about dorks and fantasy football.

And yes, I would.

MUDawgfan said...

G$ - you're not hurting my feelings sir. I'd rather have a game manager that doesn't make mistakes than a clod-gunslinger like Cutler who sucks to high heaven.

Playoffs are most important and I try to make a effort not to draft players from my favorite team. Except Tony Gonzalez - he's awesome.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy- of course you'd fuck Snooks. What's it been.. 30 years for you?

You didn't exactly reach for any of these fantasy busts. I want some projected top 5-10 picks that I should stay away from or my season is doomed- like Slaton or Steven Jackson! Nobody is going to bank on Matty Ryan or Booooowdin leading their team to the promised land.

I would NOT fuck Snooks.. Unless I was as drunk as I was at Aces wedding. And I would wear 4 condoms.


Anonymous said...

I wouldn't fuck Snooki with Jeff's Dick.

I think my fantasy advice was pretty sound.

And I'm with Dut, grow some fucking stones. If you would have said the same thing about Witten last year then that would be one thing. But saying it this year is just being a pussy. But I am with you on Boldin, which I stated long before you wrote this. Get your own material.

After a strong week of gambling(paid for all our show tickets) the venetian Blackjack tables just raped me. In 25 minutes I didn't win a hand...I haven't told Mrs. Ace.


Anonymous said...

Ace- I would hope that you set limits for yourself when sitting at a cold table. Did you lose all the wedding gifts already? Where was your wife while you were gambling?


GMoney said...

Fine. You want more, here's more.

Matt Schaub will not be what he was last year because he is a pussy who will get hurt.

Shonn Greene will lose goalline touches to LaToeInjury.

Randy Moss is a late 3rd/early 4th rounder at best. And I would NEVER draft a WR in the first round.

J-Woww wore the greatest shirt ever last night.

GMoney said...

You're gambling at 7-8 AM? Impressive husbandry!

Anonymous said...

I had an hour to kill before check out and Mrs. Ace was still getting around.

I played at 2 different tables in that time and I didn't win Dick. I was playing with the white meat so we still did alright...but then the venetian charged me another $90 at checkout for a resort fee. Fucking pricks.

I really like Schaub this year, although his stinky vag worries me.


Jeff said...

You gotta love a girl who climbs into bed and says wanna fuck. That being the case though, Ace is right. I would not fuck Snooki with my dick.

Beanie Wells is gonna ball out this year and Jason Campbell is the next coming of Jim Plunkett!!

The Iceman said...

I'd fuck my male room mate, film it, and put it on the internet before I would plow this Snooki chick. I've never seen the show...mainly because I'm heterosexual...but I've seen enough pictures and commercials to know what this dumpster fire looks like. She's that girl you wake up to after a 14 hour bender and immediately start sobbing uncontrollably. She's a loud mouth, hairy, rotten beast. Oh yeah...and that show is fucking gay. I'll draft Hartley solely based on the fact that he was pinched for using PED's last year. Any kicker that gets caught roiding it always has a place on my team. That fucker can probably boot 70 yard field goals. I bet his legs look like Popeye's forearms.

GMoney said...

Iceman, you have no idea what you are missing. Jersey Shore fucking rules. If only because it makes you feel better about the life you lead.

The Iceman said...

Well, I would say that I'll try anything once but the last time I said that I woke up naked next to a co-worker who still won't talk to me...and that was 2 years ago. Apparently we had conflicting views on exactly what "kinky" was. Maybe the fact that I purposely ignored the "safe word" played a role as well.

Daniel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Daniel said...

Bills are terrible.

GMoney said...

Yes they are. The Redskins will not be defeated this season.

Joe Theismann is god fucking awful.