You see, when your drunk, your inhibitions automatically get lowered and you are more inclined to say things like how you would pork humpty dumpty. But when you're thinking clearly and rationally, ehhhhhhh, boning Snooks all of a sudden is not cool, does not make a good story, and you end up with hepatitis and cold sores. Fucking Jersey Shore castmates is similar to fantasy football. You want a team full of J-Woww's, not a team full of grenades. You want people that have no problem throwing down in a bar, not people that deepthroat pickles. So today, on this Fantasy Football Friday, I'm giving you my fantasy Snooki's of the season. They aren't necessarily horrible players, but I would think long and hard before drafting these guys.
By the way, when I wrote this post last year, I nominated Warner, Tomlinson, Braylon, Winslow, and the Eagles D (rotten). None of them were better than average (Warner was 10th in TD's). So while I may not be able to spot good players, I sure as shit can pick out the crappy players. Oh, and this is what Ace said last year:
I'll take Steve Slaton ahead of both MJD and Forte. Texans are going to have one of the best offenses this year and Slaton is only going to improve from last year.What a fucking idiot.
Don't believe the hype, jump all over the Eagles D. Scott McDermott will be just fine as the DC...he did most of the work last year. And most importantly, we are going to have Jeremy Maclin and Desean Jackson returning kicks, that alone is enough reason to pick the Eagles D.
QB - Matt Ryan
I've got nothing against Ryan. He's a solid young QB. But he isn't a gunslinger. Until Mike Smith is fired (not happening soon), the Falcons will remain a running team. Ryan was drafted as a top ten QB in most leagues last year and probably will be around the same area this year. Don't believe the hype. Just because he's been the Falcons QB for two years now and has not been sent to Leavenworth doesn't mean you should want him. He will probably go before McNabb, Palmer, and Flacco...but I like all three of these guys more than Ryan. Sorry, MUDawg/N-Wolv, but your boys are still going to the playoffs in spite of my words here.
RB - Brandon Jacobs
When he is playing well, there is no bigger badass running back in the game. But I've been following this shit. The Giants are seriously considering having Ahmad Bradshaw start. When you couple that with the fact that Jacobs has a tendency to get hurt and he's not the fulltime goalline back, stay away from Jacobs. Obviously there is a time and spot where he will make sense...but don't do it before the 4th/5th round (or spend more than $20 on him).
WR - Anquan Boldin
Or Boooooow-din as Mort would say. Mort sucks ass. Look, Boldin is tough...we all know that. But he has a tendency to be a weekly gametime decision (which I hate) and he's never been "the" guy. Derrick Mason isn't drawing coverage off of him like Fitty did. I don't see Anquan being a #1 receiver. Honestly, I would rather have Pierre Garcon. That French fuck will end up with better stats...mark it down.
TE - Jason Witten
The days of Witten being a dominant fantasy force ended last year. He only scored twice. The Cowboys have even more weapons now. You could maybe convince me that out of the NFC East TE group of Cooley, Celek, Boss, and Witten, Witten would find the endzone the least amount of times. He's an 8th round pick at best. Some dumbass will take him in the 5th. Don't be that dumbass.
K/DEF - Garrett Hartley/Baltimore
The Saints don't settle for field goals. Why would you draft a kicker that hardly ever kicks field goals and only gets you 4 points per week? A common misconception is that people try to draft kickers from the high octane offenses. That isn't always the best strategy. The Ravens have long been a top 5 fantasy defense. That front seven will still be rock solid...but that secondary sucks. And Foxworth blowing out his knee only made them a shitload worse.
I'm not even going to bother proofreading this. I'm too lazy. In conclusion, I guess I should ask: Would you fuck Snooki?