Thursday, July 15, 2010

A Tradition Unlike Any Other: Pissing On A Golf Course

OK, this is getting ridiculous.  For the first time in a very long time, it's alright to defend Big Ben and his behavior.  There are conflicting reports but the gist of it is (and you probably already know this) that Ben and some friends are playing a round of golf at Muirfield in Dublin, either he or one of his friends has to piss, some nosy neighbor witnesses whoever it was taking a squeege, and then calls the police.  This is fucking retarded on so many levels.

Depending on which story you believe, it's still stupid.  It's a fucking golf course.  Men drink a lot of beer when they play.  There aren't port-o-johns next to every green (and even if there were, those things are fucking disgusting).  Over the course of 18 holes, you are going to have to squirt at some point.  It is inevitable.  So what do normal people do?  They walk over to a bush, give a courtesy scan of the area, and let it fly if the coast is clear.  I guarantee that the same thing happened in this instance.  I guarantee that this happens 100 times a day at that course.  The only mistake was that the accused did not notice the bitch clearly trying to peep herself some golfer cock.

And what's the big deal anyway?  Was that the first schlong that she's ever seen?  If she's living on Muirfield methinks that she's ingested a few dongs in her life anyway.  It's a dick.  It's piss.  It's grass.  It's fucking natural.  Get over it.  Maybe I'm giving Ben too much credit here but I highly doubt that he saw the woman, started swinging his (apparently gray) dick around like a lasso, tackled her in her backyard, and then thrusted himself into her other backyard.  Possible, I suppose, but highly unlikely.

Hell, I've been so drunk on a course before that I've taken three steps off the tee box and let 'er rip.  And if someone said shit to me I would have imbedded my 3 iron (which I never use) into their skull.  I consider that club highly expendable.  This is what a drunk man on a golf course does, you see.  They piss.  Hell, you don't evne have to be drunk.  This is what MEN do on the course.  The more that they spend to play that round of golf, the more leeway they get with the usage of their dick.  It's Marketing 101!  On a public course, keep it caged.  But if you are dropping serious bank, you should be able to play naked if you want to.

The only places on a golf course which are taboo for urine are the green, the tee, and the sandtraps.  That's it.  The rest is well within a golfer's limits.  And it doesn't matter how many trophy wives are watching.  Don't they have Guiding Light to watch anyway?

Also, it is never acceptable to shit on a golf course...well...in most cases.  Shitting your pants is always hilarious regardless of the situation and if you can somehow defecate inside of the cup, talk about a hole-in-one!  I'd love to see the greenskeeper's reaction to that.

So I've got your back on this one, Big Ben.  And always remember this helpful quote, "Lizards are for bleedin', not making others bleed".  I just made that up which is why it makes very little sense.

***By the way, HUGE announcement tomorrow.  Milestones be reached!

12 comments:

Grumpy said...

The Guiding Light has been canceled. Other than that, you're right on the money, as usual. Mr. Ace probably holds it until the turn.

GMoney said...

Your comments about soap operas make me sad.

Mr. Ace said...

I have the bladder of a five year old, especially when beer is involved, and piss on about every hole on the back nine. However, I am incredibly discrete...unless I'm incredibly drunk, then I just step out of the cart and let it go.

However, I'm not a rapist.

Anonymous said...

I golfed on Saturday at a course by hollywood casino (argosy).. And moden pissed in the 16th bunker. It may be unacceptable, but it is hilarious! His excuse was that it was so hot that it would evaporate by the time the group behind us got there.

dut

GMoney said...

That's a shitty excuse. I'm glad that I killed him in the DFL last year.

Drew said...

Fingers are crossed that tomorrow's HUGE announcement is the firing of Mr. Ace.

GMoney said...

I can assure you that it is not. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am never going back to writing 5 days a week for the rest of my shitty life.

Unless you meant that we would be firing Ace from a cannon. We might do that. It is a big day after all.

Mr. Ace said...

I know you guys only say these things because you love me. I love you back. Especially Grumpy.

Tony B. said...

As someone who recently peed into a putting green cup, I have no room to chastise Big Ben. However, I was also recently at Harrah's in Tahoe and I didn't rape anyone- so there is that.

Jeff said...

I mean it is common knowledge that one must whip their dick out when they don't get their drive past the ladies tees. Dut should know this rule very well.

GMoney said...

Do you have to whip it out if your drive doesn't pass the ladies tee three fairways to the right? Dut needs a ruling on that.

Anonymous said...

G$, you failed to address the obvious...Big Ben is totally f'ed on the golf course now. He whips it out, the neighbors call the cops, he hits the port-o-john or the clubhouse bathroom and he is accused of rape. The guy can't catch a break!!


--the Wig Master