Friday, July 02, 2010
You may think that the new banner is just a collage of shitheads. And you would be very wrong. Actually, Ace and I hosted a very private potluck dinner for all of these people last night and this was the group shot at the end. Now, I won't go into the details of the evening out of respect for the attendees' privacy. But I can tell you what they all brought to the blog banquet.
Albert Belle - He brought the trick or treat candy that he refused to give out to kids in his neighborhood. I think that there were GPS chips in the fun size Snickers though.
Marge Schott - Since this event was going to be diverse, Marge decided to bring pig's feet and collared greens. Other than me, no one was amused. And even after death, she still likes to drop those n-bombs.
Pete Rose - The Hit King told Ace that he would bring steaks for everyone. He showed up with nothing, begging for cab fare, and with a story about how he lost our main course in a World Cup bet.
Ty Cobb - After getting an Aryan BJ from Marge, he delighted the crowd with some peach cobbler.
Leonard Little - Leonard volunteered to be the designated driver. No one took him up on his offer.
Ohio State Terrorist - He made anthrax-laced buckeyes. Nobody touched them. Everyone was just confused as to why anyone would wear a sweatshirt in fucking IRAN! GO BUCKS! GO AL QAEDA! Same thing.
Ron Artest - He showed up still wearing his Lakers uniform. His dish was a raw pumpkin. Little threw a beer at him. Hilarity ensued.
Lawrence Phillips - The former Husker brought stale bread. He said that that was the best he could do coming directly from solitary confinement.
OJ Simpson - The Juice brought juice. Purple Drank done got served!!! He gave me a pair of Bruno Magli's though which I thought was nice.
Maurice Clarett - Mo got off cheap and just brought some pepper. All he has to do is start crying anyway. There is so much pepper spray in those tear ducts anyway. Dickhead only brought enough Goose for himself.
Chris Benoit - The Crippler just brought a Nautilus weight set which was strangely tied around his neck. He asked where Ace and I's family were. We did not answer that question.
Sahel Sazemi - Sahel was in charge of the shots. She brought 10 bottles of tequila. I can't be the only one who found it odd as she screamed over and over, "TAKE THAT SHOT TO THE FACE!" Tacky.
Rae Carruth - He was supposed to bring potato salad. He locked it in his trunk. We could not get it open.
Big Ben - I did not ask Ben to bring anything out of pity. Although he did fix my TV which I thought was nice.
Ugeuth Urbina - Ace asked him to bring some type of salad. He brought the severed head of his gardener doused in gasoline. Worst salad that I've ever eaten.
Roberto Alomar - He brought AIDS. I think Marge took him into the bedroom anyway. There was quite the train running on Marge. No one, not even Artest, ate his vial of AIDS.
Mike Tyson - He thought it was cute to show up with a bunch of elephant ears. He called them Evander Ears. I gave him a courtesy laugh anyway. I assume that I have a glass jaw.
John Rocker - Rocker called me a "Spic" and provided us with raccoon stew. He is a hillbilly and this is what he eats apparently.
The Ligue Boys - They just brought switchblades. We let them in. We hate Tom Gamboa, too!
Rasheed Wallace - He just showed up out of the blue. We initially did not let him in but he kept screaming "BALL DON'T LIE" for over 20 minutes on my doorstep. Since he just retired and won't have to watch him anymore, we let him in.
Barry Bonds - You haven't lived until you've had Barry's bruschetta drizzled with flaxseed oil. Really hits the spot and increased my bench max by 50 pounds.
Jayson Williams - Don't knock "dead limo driver" casserole before you've tried it. Delicious!
Michael Vick - Mike tried to sneak in his brother. That was not cool. He brought hot dogs. My dog bit him. He got pissed and left. Three minutes later, a mystery man came back and shot out my windows. Apparently this was not related to Vick though, says the police.
Tonya Harding - Tonya was supposed to bring the centerpiece. At first, it appeared that she brought an ice sculpture of the former symbol of the Soviet Union (hammer and sickle). It was bizarre but nice. But upon closer inspection, it was a crowbar and Jeff Gilooly's penis. The guests loved her! Sahel was doing shots out of the Gilooly dick!
It was an eventful night as you can probably imagine. I am going to pay for it today though. And I'm probably going to Hell now with that banner on my site and the dozens of awful jokes I wrote today. Fuck it. I adopted a dog from a shelter and that trumps all. On that note, it feels like the right time to call it a long weekend. Have a bitchin' 4th of July. Like I said in the comments last night, if you want to drink with blogging royalty tonight and you are in central Ohio, come to Lodge Bar. If not, eat shit. Ace will be back on Tuesday. Drive safe out there.