Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Predicting the AFC North

(What are you gonna do, when rape-a-mania runs wild on you?)

I decided to switch it up a bit for the AFC North. The majority of the people who read this blog are fans of one of the teams in the division--stupid queermo's--and I think this is going to be an exciting year for that division(not really). I imagine all of you have your own predictions about which horrible franchise will finish ahead of the other horrible franchises, so I figure I better give my own...because let's be honest, my opinion is the only one that matters.

Last year, the AFC North ended up like this:

Cincinnati: 10-6
Baltimore: 9-7
Pittsburgh: 9-7
Cleveland: 5-11

That looks pretty mediocre, because it is. Expect more of the same in 2010, but with a bit of a shake up in the standings.

Cincinnati Bengals. AFC North Champs.
I don't think last year was a fluke. That defense is stacked. Johnathan Joseph and Leon Hall are likely the best cornerback duo in the NFL. Ndukwe and Crocker are playmakers at safety. Dhani Jones, Keith Rivers, and Rey Maualuga are a great trio of linebackers--when Rey isn't out driving drunk while banging underage snatch. The defensive line was decimated by injuries, most notably Antwan Odoms going out after having 8 sacks in only five games, but everybody is back healthy and they went out and got Carlos Dunlap and Gino Atkins to help out. This defense will only be better.

On offense, well, Carson Palmer is still there. But he is usually good until January rolls around. Cincy went out and added Antonio Bryant, Jermaine Gresham, and Jordan Shipley to give Palmer something more than Ochenta y Cinco. Three different running backs averaged over 4 YPC last year for the Bengals. That's right, even the corpse of ladies man Larry Johnson averaged 4.4 YPC.

The Bengals aren't getting anywhere near a Super Bowl ring, but they are winning this division no matter how many current and future felons they have.

Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore is probably the sexiest pick out there right now for Super Bowl champion. I don't believe the hype. Anquan Boldin was a nice addition, but I don't expect him to put up the same numbers in Baltimore as he did in Arizona. Boldin is good, but Fitzgerald gave him so many opportunities. That's why Arizona is going with Breaston and Doucet, they know what Fitzgerald did for Boldin. I guess they also added Donte Stallworth, but his only real skill is running down pedestrians while drunk so I'm not sure what good that does the Ravens. That defense isn't getting any younger and the secondary didn't get any better.

Joe Flacco also has a unibrow. Can that unibrow support the enormous weight of quarterbacking a Super Bowl contender? I think not.

Cleveland Browns
No, this is not a joke. I have this sickening feeling that I cannot shake. The Browns are really going to make a move this year. I wish I could sit here and give you a list of reasons why the Browns have improved so much over the offseason, but I can't. Jake Delhomme is terrible. Josh Cribbs might be the most overrated player in the NFL. The defensive line is still awful, unless Rogers plans on using his gloch on the field. If that's the case, you can go ahead and pencil then in for the Super Bowl.

There is something going on in Cleveland, I can feel it. Rejoice Cleveland, you're out of the cellar. (I hope this is the kiss of death that makes them go 0-16).

Pittsburgh Steelers
Do you believe in karma? I do. Big Ben is a two time rapist--at least--and also a two time Super Bowl winner, karma is about to catch up and break its foot off in Ben's ass. Ben is going to miss six weeks. Byron Leftwich ain't winning shit. The Steelers are going to be 1-4 before Big Ben sees the field.

Beyond Ben, who do the Steelers even have? That offense will be horrible. They don't have a single offensive threat. Nobody is scared of Hines Ward. Nobody is worried about game planning for Rashard Mendenhall. The defense was good last year, but not good enough to carry a team to the playoffs.

Mark this shit down, the Pittsburgh Steelers will finish in last place in the AFC North.

That just happened.


GMoney said...

That's an extremely bold pick for the cellar. Although Ben is only going to miss 4 games (probably).

I like the Browns' analysis. They got worse this offseason at playmaking positions, had a mediocre draft, and still have an idiot for a coach...BUT THEY WON'T FINISH LAST FOR SOME REASON!!!

Where is the fantasy stud???

Grumpy said...

Today you have proved beyond a doubt you are a certified moron. The Steelers will be 3-1 without Ben. He will be back for game 5 and start tearing it up. The Browns? Stick to what you know, sucking dick.

MUDawgfan said...

This division plays the NFC South this year and I like the Dirty Birds to go 3-1 against them. Probably dropping one at home against Baltimore.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to hear how Joshua Cribbs is the most overrated player in the entire NFL. He's the only reason Cleveland was even able to sniff points last year...shit, the last two years...by either scoring himself or getting the ball past the 50 on a return. That's something the Browns entire offense wasn't able to do on a consistant basis. I suppose Cribbs & his ability to get the Browns in scoring position is highly overrated...as long as Phil Dawson can boot 70 yard field goals.

Anonymous said...

My computer took a shit so I was using an old one that doesn't autosave. So I got about 75% done and the computer shut down and all my shit was lost. So if this seemed a little half assed and missing parts, that's why.

Grump, is it possible for you to talk NFL without Big Ben's rape balls in your mouth?

I don't think Ben will be back after 4, I think it will stay 6. Especially is there are any legs to the pissing on the golf course story.

Josh Cribbs is overrated because he does all that shit for the Browns. He is like a looter in a riot.


GMoney said...

Do you really think that Goodell will nail him two games for pissing on a golf course? Even he isn't that big of an asshole.

Anonymous said...

Boldin was good for the cards even before fitz, queer.

I think the browns will be able to run the ball this year. Unfortunately none of their receivers would make the practice squad on any other team. Defense will be average.. And its only because they have the best DC ever. I predict 4 wins.


Grumpy said...

So you blame your half assed comments on the computer. Lame. If the Commish doesn't cut 2 games from Ben's suspension, I'll drive to Cbus and take you and Mrs. Ace to dinner. G$ and She$ can come too, but they pay their own way.

GMoney said...

Then I'm not coming.

Anonymous said...

The commish made it clear that the punishment could either be increased or decreased from 6 games. At this point, I don't see anything that Ben has done to warrant decreasing that punishment.

Boldin was good, and is still good. But he's always injured and you're a fool if you expect his production to be anything like it was in Arizona.

I don't blame my comments on anything. After all, they are right. Pittsburgh is going to tank this year, you just fucking wait.


Anonymous said...

I can totally see Roger Goodell coming out for the coinflip at Pittsburghs first game with Big Rapey Rothlisrapist and watching his smile fade as he hits him with a steel chair of suspension. Goodell grabs the Referees microphone off his neck, dangling him a foot off the ground and growling into it, "Yoooooorrr fiiiiiiiiired!" ala Vinny Mac. Then following that up with "That was My golf course you assclown", and sitting Ben down for 4 more games, during which time, I'm sure Ben will be able to give back to the community...crabs.

Meanwhile, somehow the Browns will win 3 games this year due to incredible not giving a damn by the other teams and no one will howl for Holmgrens head despite him being the genius that put together the juggernaut WR corps of no good, never was good and didn't even show up sober in Seattle. This team is ruined.

Can we contract the league and eliminate Cleveland, Detroit, Buffalo and Carolina? There is no reason to need 32 teams when 28 worked so well.

I hate football this time of year.

Anonymous Paul

Anonymous said...

Being a great player on a bad team...especially when the opposition knows you're the only person that's able to do anything productive...does not make you overrated. It does make him somewhat dumb for sticking with that shitty franchise when he probably could have signed with a contender. Dumb...even though some people call that loyal.

SSReporters said...

That division is Baltimore's to lose. Bengals are going to take a nosedive mainly because Marv Lewis sucks and Carson Palmer is on his way towards decline.

Mike Holmgren picks "his" guys so it will be a pleasure to see Delhomme eventually benched so Seneca Wallace can be a bungling goof.