Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Ohio State Fair Is On Steroids

I have never been to the Ohio State Fair before.  I have no desire.  I know what goes on at a Fair.  It's trashy.  There are plenty o' carneys.  The food is overrated.  I have a long history of issues with "the law" there anyway.  But it's a pretty big deal around here (I guess) so I did some research on the 12 day event beginning July 28th.

They locked down some pretty big names for concerts.  I am sort of impressed.  Not really, but sort of.  Here is the rundown:

7/28 - They are taping the Ohio Lottery Cash Explosion show there!  This is my favorite game show ever.
7/29 - Selena Gomez!  I think she's someone that middle school girls like.  Seems like someone that Dut would want to rape.
7/31 - Weezer!  I would definitely go to this if all they played were songs from the Blue and Pinkerton albums.  El Scorcho fucking rules.  And their live version of "No One Else" is groin-grabbingly great.
8/1 - Jeff Dunham!  Anyone that find this guy funny should be liquified.  This is She$ and I's anniversary date.  If she came home and said that she got us tickets to this show, I would make the Benoit house look like fucking amateur hour.
8/3 - Darius Rucker!  Who doesn't love a black country singer?  Tiiiiiiiime why you punish me?
8/4 - Devo!  I can't imagine any more than 100 Ohio residents are excited for this show.
8/5 - Heart!  Oooooooh BARRACUDA!  This would be a decent show to see.  Heart is sneakily underrated.
8/6 - Babyface!  Call me a queer, but I actually like "When Can I See You Again".  It's not Montell Jordan or "Return of the Mack", but it's solid.
8/8 - Rascal Flatts with Kellie Tits-ler!  Rascal Flatts are the worst thing to happen to music since Fred Durst.  They fucking suck.

As you can see, that's a pretty solid lineup for something as pointless as the Ohio State Fair.  But all of that pales in comparison to the main event.  I'm talking about the Fair Parade.  And you can't have a successful parade without a great grand marshal, can you?

Yep, Big Poppa Pump himself, Scott Steiner, is your 2010 Grand Marshal of the Ohio State Fair Parade!  Worst grand marshal ever?  How does a parent explain to his kid who and what that guy is?  This makes no sense unless Ohio is getting ready to legalize HGH in a way to stimulate the local economy. 

This goes out to all my freaks out there: Big Poppa Pump is your hookup; holla, if you hear me! Indeed we will, Scott, now throw some fucking Tootsie Rolls at the kiddies.


Tony B. said...

My first experience at the CA State Fair was last year and it was only to see Tonic. It was great.

I'm decently impressed with the Ohio line up (Weezer is awesome- you have to check that out!) This inspired me check the CA State Fair's line up this year: Slaughter, The Family Stone (what? no Sly &?), Little Big Town, Rick Springfield, Howie Mandel, Martina McBride, Lonestar, Village People, Eddie Money, Paul Rodriguez, Foghat, and the closer- Weird Al Yankovic.

Grumpy said...

Going to the Ohio State Fair is beneath you. But if you go, you have to give us a full report.

Anonymous said...


GMoney said...

Nobody closes like Weird Al. And I'm pretty sure that Eddie Money has played our fair at least 40 times.

Don't worry, I will not be attending.

Mr. Ace said...

So how does a Michigan native who wrestled, and was awesome, at UM become the grand marshal of the ohio state fair? Suck it, Fuckeyes.

You're telling me they couldn't land Bone Thugs?

Anonymous said...

Ace- the ohio state fair has nothing to do with The Ohio State University, jackass.


Mr. Ace said...

Dut...not sure what that has to do with anything. A Wolverine is still running the Ohio State Fair. Again, suck it Fuckeyes.

MuDawgfan said...

or "Return of the Mack

Awesome. I totally forgot about this song and laughed out loud when I read this.
When this song came on during warm-ups for 9th grade basketball games, I would try to slap the glass of the backboard as hard as I possibly could during layups - I didn't give a shit if it went in or not.

GMoney said...

Mark Morrison should be in someone's Hall of Fame.

Anonymous said...

So is the wolfpack going to show up?

Anonymous said...

So is the wolfpack going to show up?

Dave G said...

State fairs and wrestling u can't get much more American than that :-)
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Vang Vieng said...

I love the Ohio state fair.

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