Monday, July 19, 2010

Manual Labor: An Open Forum

(I should have just paid this illegal $5 to put up the fence for me, but he was not hanging out in front of Lowe's this weekend)

Uggggggggggggggggggggggh.  Worst weekend ever.  I barely watched any TV.  Other than the Indians/Tigers outcome, the Yanks/Rays, and the British Open winner, I have no idea what else happened in sports.  I was totally out of the loop eventhough I barely left my property.  Why?

Remember my post about when our puppy fought an SUV to a draw?  Well, this was the weekend that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law came down to help put up a fence so that that never happens again.  I am about as handy as a fucking shark so this is something that I could NEVER do by myself.  The in-laws know their shit so it was going to happen whether I like it or not.  I fucking loathe being outdoors in the summer.  I despise humidity.  I definitely do not like working in the yard even when it is my own.  And I sure as shit HATE waking up before 7 am on the weekends.

This is how it went:  My alarm goes off at 6:30 on Saturday morning with the wife yelling at me "don't even think about hitting the snooze button because everyone is already working".  We worked until dark (9 pm).  We dug our own holes for the fence posts.  My property is pretty much sitting on top of a rock farm which made this extremely difficult.  My back and hands are killing me from that shit.  But it wasn't all bad.  There were two large pine trees in our backyard that I hated.  They served no purpose and every time that I mowed over a pine cone, I thought that someone was shooting at me.  So the BIL got the chainsaw out and watching those fuckers fall was sweeter than my balls with hot fudge on them.  I don't know why the hippies get all butt hurt about the rain forest.  Watching trees fall down is awesome.  Swiney came over in the evening, we finished a big section of the fence, ordered up some ribs, and called it a night.

By the way, I don't know the science behind it, but beer is fucking amazing when you've been outside all day.  Most of you already knew that but I wanted to say it again anyway.  I was drinking cans in 3-4 gulps without even realizing it.  It is the only redeeming quality of outside work.

Yesterday was dedicated to building and putting up the gate.  Work started at 7:15 AM (we slept in!) and finally finished at 4:30.  23.5 hours of working in the yard in a 36+ hour stretch.  Fucking sucked.  That is totally NOT me.  But at least it's over.  Sure, I'm sunburnt, currently lead the nation in "Cookie Butt", sore as shit, have vinyl glue residue all over me, and want to kill myself, but the work is done.  And I can get back to being a lazy-ass writing about sports.  Which is what I do best (or at least better than digging holes).  I don't plan on doing work to the house ever again.

And since I've got nothing else to say, I'm leaving it open to you.  Do you hate being outside and actually, you know, working?  Am I a pussy?  Can we blow up the sun?  Any good stories about dropping an anvil on your head or something else hilarious?  I'm asking you to help me make this post worthwhile today.  Because I'm hurting...and when you see your hero hurting, it's up to YOU to pick up the slack.

12 comments:

Grumpy said...

When it comes to handiwork, I'm as useless as you. The best one was the time I fixed a loose stair going to the basement and two days later it gave way under my wife. Told her to lose weight. Then went to Home Depot and got a pro to tell me how to fix it right.

GMoney said...

My favorite part of the weekend was when my BIL would try to talk to me in contractor lingo and I would just stare at him. I don't think I've said "sounds good to me" more in my life.

GMoney said...

From Windhorst: "Two Wolves currently on the block, though, interest the Cavs. One is guard Ramon Sessions, made available when Minnesota signed Luke Ridnour last week. The other is young center and Canton native Kosta Koufos."

YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Anonymous said...

Embarrassing. That is all.

-Ace

Anonymous said...

The toolboy himself, Mr. Ace, knows how to do everything that requires tools and handyman skills (according to him). You should have called his ass up to fill in for you while you wrote a live blog.

-Lil' Strut

Tony B. said...

Your weekend sounds like it was about as much fun as watching the 8th inning of Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS on a loop while getting tortured by Pinhead. I am not a fan of yard/house work.

GMoney said...

You suck, Ace. We put that fence up to keep faggots like you out.

A New Experienced Me said...

My weekend included defending myself from being senselessly murdered in a shitbox motel that makes the motels in the movie "vacancy" look like a sweet in the trump fucking towers. Oddly enough these were the most expensive rooms we had all week on vacation. Getting murdered in the style of a hollywood horror film doesn't come cheap these days...

Anonymous said...

Don't get mad at me Because your vagina hands don't know how to handle a little manual labor. I would have knocked that fence out in a day and still had enough energy to stick it to lil struts mother afterwards.

Ace

GMoney said...

That requires no energy at all.

Anonymous said...

Especially because Mrs. Ace says Mr. Ace is a "one pump chump"

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

That just means I'm efficient.

-Ace