Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Let's Get To Know the AFC West

(What an asshole)

The NFL is just around the corner folks. So for the next several weeks I am going to be reintroducing you to all the divisions in the NFL. After all of these exquisite divisional previews are over, then it will be time for some predictions, and the NFL season will be just a week away. So let's talk about some NFL divisions...Even the ones you don't give a shit about, like the AFC West.

Last year, the AFC West ended up like this:

San Diego: 13-3
Denver: 8-8
Oakland: 5-11
Kansas City: 4-12

What a turd of a division. Well this year...expect more of the same.

San Diego Chargers
Good: Shitface Marmalard is back to piss off everybody again, especially G Money. Why is that guy such a fucking dickhead? I don't know him, I have probably only seen him on TV for less than 20 hours in my entire life, but I know he's a dickhead. He goes to Africa to make fun of AIDS kids for being covered in flies. Despite his dickheadedness, he is one of the best QB's in the league. Last year he was in the top 8 of every meaningful passing statistic, including #3 in passer rating and #1 in yards per attempt. No reason he shouldn't continue his rise this year.

Bad: The Chargers gave up 4.5 yards per carry on the ground last year. There were only four teams who were worse; Tampa Bay, Kansas City, Buffalo, and (Surprise!)Cleveland. What have the Chargers done to address this enormous vaginal gash in their defense? Drafted a Defensive Tackle in the fifth round and signed Travis Johnson...whoever the fuck that is.

Ugly: Other than Marmalard, AJ Smith is one ugly SOB. And apparently, a moron. What kind of ass hole forces their number one offensive threat into a holdout by trying to punk him through the media. Vincent Jackson isn't playing for the Chargers this year, book it! So without you number one wideout you're probably going to need some run help, right? Well since Norv showed up the Chargers have went from 4.9 YPC in 2006--under Schottenheimer-- to 3.3 YPC in 2009. LT has sucked, but it's not all on him and Lorenzo Neal isn't coming out of that locker room either. Ryan Matthews isn't the answer.

Overview: The Chargers are the favorites in this shitty division, but I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't make the playoffs.

Denver Broncos
Good: Umm...they had a six game winning streak last year. Not many teams can say that. Denver was one of the best defensive teams against the pass. But with Brian Dawkins on your team what the fuck do you expect? Unfortunately, they were one of the worst against the run. But unlike the Chargers, the Broncos actually went out and got some help; bringing in Justin Bannan, Jarvis Green, and Jamal Williams to improve the D Line. The defense should be a strength for the entire season this year, not just the first six games.

Bad: When you the look at the Quarterback position on your depth chart and it reads; 1. Kyle Orton, 2. Brady Quinn, and 3. Tim Tebow you know one of two things: Either you are fucked, or you have a shitload of depth for a CFL team. Too bad the Broncos reside in the NFL and none of those quarterbacks should be starting in it.

Ugly: Josh McDaniels. It is never a smart coaching decision to trade away your three best offensive players in two offseasons. Jay Cutler is never going to win dick in the NFL, so getting two #1's and a #3 isn't bad. But then when you turn around and sell off Brandon Marshall and Tony Scheffler for one #5 and two #2's that's a problem. Marshall is easily worth a #1 and a #3 and Scheffler should be worth a #4--instead of having to send a #7 just to get a #5. The problem is McDaniel's ego is so ginormous that not only do his players hate him, but they hate him so much that they go to the media and bitch and it destroys all leverage the Broncos could possibly have in making a deal. McDaniel's will be a coordinator again in 2012.

Overview: Expect a step back this year. The offense will be even more impotent than last year.

Oakland Raiders
Good: Bruce Gradkowski. If you want to win, put the Pollack in. Jason Campbell sucks and everybody knows it. Gradkowski established himself as the leader late last year and the Raiders need to keep riding the momentum that Gradkowski created with him under center. The Raiders offense finally has potential now that Jamarcus Russell isn't sipping on the sizzurp in a Raiders uniform.

Bad: Quit playing man to man, you fucking ass holes! I know this is still Al Davis' team so the Raiders will play man to man and have a vertical passing game until his zombie body somehow gives way. But shit, the Raiders have real talent but their schemes just kill them.

Ugly: Al Davis, aka The Crypt Keeper.

Overview: I am cautiously optimisitic. I'm not saying anything more than that.

Kansas City Chiefs
Good: Importing road beef. If you want a lesson on how to get out of town strange and keep it on the DL, the Chiefs are your team--just don't tell Dwayne Bowe. But seriously...Ahh, who am I kidding. Road beef is the only good thing about the Chiefs.

Bad: Everything. Matt Cassel was the worst signing of the offseason just a year ago. They spent $6 mil to bring back Chris Chambers. Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis are coordinators. Glenn Dorsey and Tyson Jackson are turds. I like nothing about this team.

Ugly: The buffet line scene after Crennel and Weis wreak havoc.

Overview: Chiefs fans will be begging for Brodie Croyle halfway through the season.

Divisional Fantasy Breakout: Louis Murphy. He is going to be the clear number one this year and the only WR that either Campbell or Gradkowski will be able to depend on. Expect him to build upon what he started last year with a solid rookie effort. You are looking at an 1,100 yard WR in Louis Murphy.

Greenbacks: Normally this spot will be reserved for the team who will win you the most money during the season(best record against the spread). But today it's the opposite. Every single week I will bet against the Chargers. There hype is going to lead to ridiculous lines that they won't cover early in the year...and they just aren't that good.

Feel free to make your divisional predictions in the comments.

9 comments:

Grumpy said...

The AFC West? You're right, I don't give a shit. When does G$ come back?

GMoney said...

I agree that San Diego took a large step back this offseason by dicking around V-Jack and McNeill while keeping Merrian and Norv around. Unfortunately, they could take the field with the Padres and still win this terrible division.

Phil Rivers would definitely not approve of this website. But he believes in abstinence so, you know, fuck him.

Gradkowski is going to be holding a clipboard all year and you know it.

Drew said...

As a Lions fan, early July is way too early for me to start giving a fuck about the NFL.

I do like JaMarcus Russell's desire to drink the sizzzzurp though.

Mr. Ace said...

Gradkowski is at least going to get a shot. He may not start the opener, but there is no way Campbell can hold down that job all season.

I think the Chargers are in big trouble. If they can take care in the division they will be fine, but they will be exposed outside of it.

I've seen several columns predicting the Chiefs to bounce back to 7 wins or so...does anybody really see this? If they win 5 games they should make the playoffs by default.

GMoney said...

Cut him some slack. Dude's got a wedding coming up yet is still writing posts. And if you think I'm going back to writing 5 days a week then you are dumber than JaMarcus Russell.

Tony B. said...

The Chiefs are terrible- no one should be predicting a bounce back season.

I like that JaMarcus' codine syrup is also called "Purple Drank."

Mr. Ace said...

G$, don't you dare defend me on here against these cum dumpsters. We should bring Grumpy on so he can post about prune juice and the price is right.

Drew, it is that kind of attitude that is holding the Lions franchise back.

I'm sippin' on lean.

MuDawgfan said...

I left my street cred back in 9th grade. I still thought the blacks drank kool aid and gin n' juice.

http://hyesung000.blogspot.com/ said...
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