Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Let's Get To Know The AFC South

(Why hello, Brian Cushing)

The NFL is just around the corner folks. So for the next several weeks I am going to be reintroducing you to all the divisions in the NFL. After all of these exquisite divisional previews are over, then it will be time for some predictions, and the NFL season will be just a week away. So let's talk about some NFL divisions...Even the ones you don't give a shit about, like the AFC South.

Last year, the AFC South ended up like this"

Indianapolis: 14-2
Houston: 9-7
Tennessee: 8-8
Jacksonville: 7-9

This division is quite stacked and has the potential to be the best in the NFL.

Indianapolis Colts
Good: Peyton Manning is still there so nobody has to worry about the offense. The Colts are loaded at the skill positions with Addai(pussy), Brown, Wayne, Garcon, Clark, and Gonzalez(pussy). Expect Garcon to own that two spot and Collie may even overtake Gonzalez for the slot. Either way, the offense will be dynamite...again.

Bad: Run defense. Of all the playoff teams last year the Colts gave up the most yards on the ground, finishing 24th in rush defense. Then again, the Saints finished 21st so maybe stopping the run doesn't mean as much as it used to. But the Colts did nothing to improve their defensive tackle play so look for them to give up 130 ypg on the ground.

Ugly: Peyton Manning's taint--or so I understand, Bob Sanders' stinky vag, and the gerbil still stuck in James Dungy's ass.

Overview: More of the same from the Colts, but the rest of the division is catching up.

Houston Texans
Good: On offense, the Texans are the mirror image of the Colts. One of the best WR's in the league, one of the best TE's in the league, and some solid supporting skill players behind them. Matt Schaub threw for 4,800 yards last year, leading the NFL, and that was with Owen Daniels missing the last half of the season. Another top 5 offense in the division.

Bad: I don't like the defensive tackles here either. Amobi Okeye hasn't lived up to his potential and starting Earl Mitchell, a rookie, isn't going to help the front 7. It also looks like they will be starting cornerbacks with a combined one year of experience. Kareem Jackson should come in and start as a rookie along side Glover Quinn, a 4th round pick in 2009. There DE and LB play can be their saving grace, but the defense as a whole will be inconsistent.

Ugly: Steve Lattimer...I mean, Brian Cushing's shriveled balls and bacne. If Cushing can't juice, I don't think he can play at this level. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been roiding up for the past four or five years. The NFL will be all over him and his play will suffer because of it. But hey, congrats on the DROY.

Overview: The defense still worries me, but the offense will be one of the best. Definitely a playoff contender, but not a Super Bowl dark horse like many are projecting.

Tennessee Titans
Good: They can't possibly start out 0-6 again, right? Kerry Collins' corpse has finally been pushed aside and VY is at the reigns. It isn't always pretty, but he finds a way to win. And then you have the best RB in the game, Chris Johnson. In 16 games last year there was only one time that wasn't the leading rusher, and that was in week 5 when LenDale White outgained him by 17 yards. That O-Line is dominant and will be the key to the Titans' success.

Bad: Defense. Remember when New England hung 59 points on them? That was the worst game I have ever witnessed. How are you going to let a team score 59 points in a white out? Well, the defense should be improved with the additions of Rod Hood, Tye Hill, and Will Witherspoon, but the D is still a weak link.

Ugly: Vince Young not on house arrest. A Steve McNair situation in the near future would not surprise me.

Overview: I have the perfect analogy. Last week I took Mrs. Ace to one of those Minute Clinic things in CVS because she wasn't feeling well. While I was waiting in the, uh, waiting area there was a rack of Hostess products. I don't even like Twinkies or half the shit on the rack, but holy fuck did I want one. I would have paid $20 for a fucking fruit pie. But then when I get up and see everything else in the store I realize that Hostess shit sucks and whoever is in charge of product placement is a genius. The Titans are a Hostess Fruit Pie. When you just look at them, you see serious darkhorse potential. But when you compare them to the rest of the league, you see a team that probably won't make the postseason. I still want a fucking fruit pie.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Good: Maurice Jones-Drew. He just might be my favorite player not named Brian Dawkins or DeSean Jackson. He's a top 3 RB in the league and can do everything; run, catch, and block--just ask Shawne Merriman. Even with a horrible offensive line last year, he rushed for over 1,300 yards and had almost 1,800 total yards. MJD is the anti-Reggie Bush and I love him for it.

Bad: While the Jags have several holes in their roster, David Garrard is just fucking terrible. Why would you ever pay that bum $60 mil? He is the black version of Jake Delhomme. With Garrard at the helm, the Jags can never really be taken seriously; kinda like any company who hires Matt Millen.

Ugly: Jacksonville. I know the team hasn't been the best, but show the fuck up, Jacksonville! Miami of Ohio had better attendance last year. The Jags are still over .500 in the last seven years. Do you know how many NFL cities would blow Charlie Weis's fup-gina for that?

Overview: This team will definitely be improved, especially along the front line. But it's Jacksonville, they would probably rather just tank and get ready for L.A.

Divisional Fantasy Breakout: Ben Tate. I don't know if you can call a rookie a breakout, but he definitely a fantasy sleeper. The Texans RB spot is wide open and Tate is probably the most skilled guy on the depth chart. At 5'11" and 220 lbs., Tate still has 4.4 speed and could put together a season that looks very similar to what Steve Slaton did in 2008.

Greenbacks: Jacksonville is going to sneak up on teams this year. The offensive line should improve greatly, especially the tackles, so Garrard won't be shaken as much by pressure. The defense will be more consistent now that they have decided on a 4-3 and went out and got some D linemen that will actually pressure the quarterback. Their schedule is tough, but this team is going to be in a lot of games and should pull off a few money line upsets as well. Don't be afraid to put your money on the Jags...even if their fans are.

Your approval is greatly appreciated in the comments.


Grumpy said...

Damn, I forgot it was Tuesday.

GMoney said...

You know not of which you speak...no one had worse attendance than the RedHawks last year.

Anthony Gonzalez should be working at Citgo.

By the way, what a great celebrity softball game last night. Rickey Henderson and Bo Jackson just OWNED Jennie Finch's ass. They ran trains on her all night. And then Michael Clarke Duncan showed up and threw like a girl. What a great event.

Mr. Ace said...

I am proud to say that I didn't watch any of the baseball festivities last night. Instead, I watched Gone Baby Gone. Great movie.

Common man and Torg can eat shit.

Mr. Ace said...

Steinbrenner dead? I guess money can't buy you everything.

I kid. The guy was probably the greatest owner in the history of sports. R.I.P George Steinbrenner.

Drew said...

Steinbrenner was cool with me when he paid Drew Henson to leave Michigan football. He also loves to donate money to Ohio State football.

GMoney said...

Take it easy on the Stein talk or I won't have anything to write about tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

So you guys see Big Ben back in the news? Exposing himself to women on a golf course? Awesome... this guy makes it too easy.



Anonymous said...

Before you all go off saying we all do it, piss on golf courses - yes i agree, Ive probably done it hundreds of times.

But first off, im not a rapist. Im not a professional football player accused of any crimes. And I look around before i whip it out.

Pissing on the course is fine, whatever, but in his situation, shouldnt he be being as careful as possible with every move he makes?


Mr. Ace said...

Big Ben...what a guy. He is probably thrilled that Steinbrenner died.

GMoney said...

Yeah, we've all taken thousands of public leaks on the links. This guy has the worst off-field luck ever.

And I must apologize to Ace for waiting until almost 2 to acknowledge an excellent James Dungy joke.

Mr. Ace said...

I knew you would appreciate the James Dungy reference.

Just like Vick can't throw a birthday party and allow felons in, Ben cannot remove his dick from his pants. Ever.

Grumpy said...

Just for the record, it was someone in Ben's foursome who urinated on a tree on the golf course. I've done it and so have you. Sue me.