|Pay attention to me, people, for I am a model employee!|
This is not my first post about this topic either. How could we forget about the Jimmy Dean Pooper or Donkey Fucker? Let's end this debate. Let's set the rules and expectations. Let's finally get rid of those worthless no-flush urinals that are fucking awful and serve no purpose at all. Why get rid of the flushing urinals when the actual toilets themselves are so powerful that they could swallow up a truck tire? It makes no sense to me. No-flush urinals are worse than AIDS.
Let me lay out the schematics to my john for you. There are two urinals, three stalls (one handicap), two sinks, and a Mexican lady who always wants to clean when I'm in there. She will open the door and say "housekeeping" (eventhough that makes no sense as my office building is not a hotel) and I will respond with an "UNHHHHHHH!" It's a horrific sound but then again, I don't like to be bothered while achieving greatness on the throne. Now that you know that, let's get to the rules.
1. Handicap stalls should only be used in case of emergency - Don't be a dick. You don't need the extra space unless you weigh 400+ pounds. There are two guys in wheelchairs on my floor and they are extremely nice. I would hate to walk out of the stall, while the other two are empty, only to see one of them waiting for me. Take a lesson from Larry David. But if it's a full house in there and you HAVE to go, then so be it. But keep it quick.
2. Unless you absolutely HAVE to, never stand next to a guy at a urinal - It's just like going to a movie with a buddy...you need a buffer zone. I admit, I get stage fright. I HATE it when someone pisses next to me. It creeps me out. I don't know why, but I feel vulnerable and I don't want to be crowded. If someone is already at a urinal, just use a stall. That being said...
3. If you are pissing in a stall, lift the fucking seat - NOTHING pisses me off more than seeing dick water all over a toilet seat. How can anyone be that lazy? Lift the fucking seat up with your foot if you don't want to tough the thing. No guy has perfect piss aim either and there is no reason to be a hero. It sickens me. It takes less than a second to not be disgusting. Use the full second for the sake of your co-workers.
4. How about flushing your floaters, dick? - This kills me. At least once a week, I will go into a stall to piss since the urinal is occupied, and a little nugget will be in the bowl just swimming along. How do you not check to see if everything made it down the hole? Here's a hypothetical for you: say your boss sees you walk out after "taking your talents to Souf Beach" and he's going in after you to take care of his business as well. He sees that you don't even know how to take a proper shit. You will never get promoted. I am sure of this.
5. Who throws TP on the floor? - Some people like to grab a handful of TP to wipe any excess water/ass hair off the seat. I get why...because seat covers are for ferries. But why would you throw it on the ground once the seat is "clean"? This is your fucking place of employment not the Citgo bathroom!
6. Wash yo' hands - This shouldn't NEED to be said, but there is this one guy on my floor who never ever washes his hands after a pee. It is absolutely disgusting and horrifying. And it's not that I think that he pisses all over his hands either. It's that he touched his weirdo dick and the next thing that he touched was the door handle. I think I'm going to be sick.
7. No farting - Farts are almost always hilarious. But this is your job, not a locker room or your wife's face. Sounding the foghorn when you take a leak is unacceptable at the office...no matter how loud and funny it might be.
8. No talking - Bathrooms are for shitting and pissing, not for socializing and talking about sports. Again, I shouldn't have to say this.
There. 8 simple rules to make your office bathroom experiences as tolerable as possible. Personally, I love taking care of things at work. I don't want to unclog a toilet at the house, but I know that the power flushers at the office are uncloggable. It's great. But nothing bothers me more than the rule breakers. They must be stopped. They must be killed. Spread the word, men, it's about damn time we put some class back into our work dumps.
***For those of you wondering why I have not shared any stories about my annoying co-worker, Debbie Downer, for awhile, the answer is simple. She has sort of just disappeared and has been gone for over three months. Some say she quit. Some say she hurt herself. Some (like me) think that Robert Stack should get involved. Either way, she has been replaced permanently. But I hope that she shows up again some day expecting that her job is still waiting for her. That would be awesomely awkward and potentially volatile. And that is exactly what I want.