Monday, July 26, 2010

It's Time You Learn Some Etiquette

Pay attention to me, people, for I am a model employee!
I've noticed a disturbing trend in my office building recently.  There has been a major lack of class and decorum shown.  So I felt that it's up to me to correct this problem.  There have been way too many violations of unwritten (but widely accepted) rules in the restroom on my floor.  And it needs to stop.  But only after I give you all a guidebook on the how's and why's of proper office bathroom etiquette.

This is not my first post about this topic either.  How could we forget about the Jimmy Dean Pooper or Donkey Fucker?  Let's end this debate.  Let's set the rules and expectations.  Let's finally get rid of those worthless no-flush urinals that are fucking awful and serve no purpose at all.  Why get rid of the flushing urinals when the actual toilets themselves are so powerful that they could swallow up a truck tire?  It makes no sense to me.  No-flush urinals are worse than AIDS.

Let me lay out the schematics to my john for you.  There are two urinals, three stalls (one handicap), two sinks, and a Mexican lady who always wants to clean when I'm in there.  She will open the door and say "housekeeping" (eventhough that makes no sense as my office building is not a hotel) and I will respond with an "UNHHHHHHH!"  It's a horrific sound but then again, I don't like to be bothered while achieving greatness on the throne.  Now that you know that, let's get to the rules.

1. Handicap stalls should only be used in case of emergency - Don't be a dick.  You don't need the extra space unless you weigh 400+ pounds.  There are two guys in wheelchairs on my floor and they are extremely nice.  I would hate to walk out of the stall, while the other two are empty, only to see one of them waiting for me.  Take a lesson from Larry David.  But if it's a full house in there and you HAVE to go, then so be it.  But keep it quick.

2. Unless you absolutely HAVE to, never stand next to a guy at a urinal - It's just like going to a movie with a need a buffer zone.  I admit, I get stage fright.  I HATE it when someone pisses next to me.  It creeps me out.  I don't know why, but I feel vulnerable and I don't want to be crowded.  If someone is already at a urinal, just use a stall.  That being said...

3. If you are pissing in a stall, lift the fucking seat - NOTHING pisses me off more than seeing dick water all over a toilet seat.  How can anyone be that lazy?  Lift the fucking seat up with your foot if you don't want to tough the thing.  No guy has perfect piss aim either and there is no reason to be a hero.  It sickens me.  It takes less than a second to not be disgusting.  Use the full second for the sake of your co-workers.

4. How about flushing your floaters, dick? - This kills me.  At least once a week, I will go into a stall to piss since the urinal is occupied, and a little nugget will be in the bowl just swimming along.  How do you not check to see if everything made it down the hole?  Here's a hypothetical for you:  say your boss sees you walk out after "taking your talents to Souf Beach" and he's going in after you to take care of his business as well.  He sees that you don't even know how to take a proper shit.  You will never get promoted.  I am sure of this.

5. Who throws TP on the floor? - Some people like to grab a handful of TP to wipe any excess water/ass hair off the seat.  I get why...because seat covers are for ferries.  But why would you throw it on the ground once the seat is "clean"?  This is your fucking place of employment not the Citgo bathroom!

6. Wash yo' hands - This shouldn't NEED to be said, but there is this one guy on my floor who never ever washes his hands after a pee.  It is absolutely disgusting and horrifying.  And it's not that I think that he pisses all over his hands either.  It's that he touched his weirdo dick and the next thing that he touched was the door handle.  I think I'm going to be sick.

7. No farting - Farts are almost always hilarious.  But this is your job, not a locker room or your wife's face.  Sounding the foghorn when you take a leak is unacceptable at the matter how loud and funny it might be.

8. No talking - Bathrooms are for shitting and pissing, not for socializing and talking about sports.  Again, I shouldn't have to say this. 

There.  8 simple rules to make your office bathroom experiences as tolerable as possible.  Personally, I love taking care of things at work.  I don't want to unclog a toilet at the house, but I know that the power flushers at the office are uncloggable.  It's great.  But nothing bothers me more than the rule breakers.  They must be stopped.  They must be killed.  Spread the word, men, it's about damn time we put some class back into our work dumps.

***For those of you wondering why I have not shared any stories about my annoying co-worker, Debbie Downer, for awhile, the answer is simple.  She has sort of just disappeared and has been gone for over three months.  Some say she quit.  Some say she hurt herself.  Some (like me) think that Robert Stack should get involved.  Either way, she has been replaced permanently.  But I hope that she shows up again some day expecting that her job is still waiting for her.  That would be awesomely awkward and potentially volatile.  And that is exactly what I want.


Grumpy said...

This should be printed, laminated and posted on every office bathroom wall in America.

Drew said...

I agree with everything that you just wrote and I practice everything that you mandate. I don't think anything pisses me off more than the "dick water" on the toilet seat. Always lift that fucker up with your foot.

Here's a question for you though. About once every couple of months I will take a massive dump and be so proud of it that I take a picture of it...scroll my phone book blindly until it lands on a buddy...declare him winner of poopy roullette and send the photo to him. I like the thought of someone being at work and all of a suddent getting sent a picture of my dump. Some people find this game to be very digusting. Is it fine?

GMoney said...

Drew, I've thought about doing that numerous times but never remember to take my phone to the head with me. I'll allow it in this instance (or any instance for that matter) because it's hilarious.

Drew said...

G$....You read your boy Peter King's MMQB this morning yet? There is a great story about how some dude almost knocked him out in a hotel in Chicago after King called him an assshole. I wish he would have done it.

Anonymous said...

Sitting on the toilet at work right now reading this as I normally do. I thought to myself what an appropriate topic.


GMoney said...

I did read it, Drew. PK is such a tough guy. It does not surprise me that that whale wouldn't even consider taking the stairs.

Anonymous said...

Stage fright is a real illness & is something that should be respected. If I hear someone breathing too loudly as I attempt to piss I might as well seal up my cock hole with brick mortar. I go stall...every time.

Anonymous said...

I pretty much agree with everything. I don't wash my hands every time after I piss, that's for queers. I know where my dick has been and I know where my hands have been. I don't ever actually touch the door with my hands when I exit anyways, I just plow through it like Mike Alstott.

I like to talk if you are in the bathroom with someone else you know and there is at least another random person in there. That has to make that random feel so awkward when I'm yelling comments from the stall while taking a shit.


GMoney said...

I could see skipping a handwash if you are the only in there, but not if someone else is there. You may know where your dick has been, but I sure as fuck don't.

Drew said...

I assume that playing swords at work is completely out of the question?

Anonymous said...

Nothing on masturbating in the toilet?

I never jerk it in the urinals but if I have the urge for a quickie I just close the stall and wank away to GMoney's wife.

Anonymous said...

Drew's game is glorious in how much it will annoy ( or arouse) his recipients.
I am from the school of thought that invloves putting Rule # 8 first. You wanna talk and make nice, try at someones desk. Time and place for things and this hallowed porcelain is not the time for fantasy football advise.
Etiquette is needed. Good point.


GMoney said...

I consider myself somewhat f a sexual deviant, but I've never been so desperate to pull off a work jerk. Or even think about it for that matter. But if it needs to be said, then let's say it:

9. Don't beat off at work.

Anonymous said...

Don't beat off at work......starting now.