Tuesday, July 06, 2010

I Just Don't Get It

(This guys loves the dick)

What the fuck is up with fireworks? How did this become America's way of celebrating our independence? I just realized this year how pointless it all really is. It is no coincidence that this is the first time I have watched fireworks sober in seven or either years.

There are several reasons to hate fireworks:
1. Do you know how much that shit costs? We are talking about several thousand dollars for a small town like Napoleon. These assbags can't even afford to repave a road, but dropping some jack on fireworks is a no-brainer.

2. As I was sitting there Sunday night, still recovering from my bachelor party, my ear drums were being skull fucked by the noise these fireworks were making. I hate loud noises. I slap children in restaurants for crying too loud. I would rather watch a fucking laser show. Yeah, I'm that gay.

3. I'm sure our fore fathers would be pleased to know that we are setting off Chinese explosives to celebrate their hard work. You realize what you're watching go bang in the sky was made by orphans with no hands in Chinkerville, right?

4. Walmart retards. Do we really need another excuse for a bunch of hilljacks to play with explosives?

5. Sparklers are for queers. You all know this, but I just wanted to make it official. If your child plays with sparklers, he will choke on dong.


Anonymous said...

I beleive that one of the founding fathers said that the 4th would be celebrated with fireworks.

GMoney said...

You are correct, anon, which means that our forefathers were nothing more than common white trash. I hate fireworks. I didn't even watch them in Columbus. I just sat at my table and kept drinking while mentally jamming to Montell Jordan.

Anonymous said...

The city of Napoleon also chose fireworks over salt for roads in the winter. 20 minutes of shitty fireworks > safety.


GMoney said...

Fireworks = white trash

Drew said...

I fucking hate fireworks too. I went to a huge party in Pickerington for the Pickerington fireworks on Sunday night. I went to this party because I was assured that there would be as much beer and liqour as I could possibly consume...and they didn't lie as I didn't get to sleep until 4:30. Anyways...these fireworks were set off so close to the back yard of this house that you could actually feel the ash sometimes land on your head. After a couple pieces of ash hit me, I retreated to where the food was because there was a huge tent over it. Then the grand finale came (or whatever that massive bunch of explosions they call the ending) and it sounded like it was fucking raining there was so much ash hitting the tent over my head..and I look out and just see all these people still sitting on lawn chairs and blankets that don't give a fuck. They are mesemerized like a bunch of downies. Fuck fireworks.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm glad we all hate fireworks equally. We are fucking patriots.