Wednesday, June 09, 2010

The World Cup: An Open Forum


Last week, my boss started some small talk with me and commented about how excited she was for the upcoming World Cup. I acted like I cared. She warned me that from then until mid-July, she would be talking about soccer at work alot. I cried on the inside and wondered if I could get her fired for boring me.

Yeah, the World Cup starts tomorrow from that country that Gary Player calls home. I won't be watching. In fact, I hope that our stupid US team loses early, often, and comes back here as the loser non-celebs that they normally are. This may sound unpatriotic. It's the exact opposite if you think about it. Rooting against our soccer team might be the most American thing that you could possibly do.

I hate soccer. You probably hate soccer. 99% of this country hates soccer. It isn't a sport. It is not "the beautiful game". Do you know what the beautiful game is? FOOTBALL. Real football, fuckers. AMERICAN FOOTBALL. Not this pussy shit where you can't use your hands and everyone flops. Landon Donovan is a homo that should be getting his peanut head flushed in a toilet, not celebrated as some sort of great leader. Soccer is not cool. It is not American. We would never invent a game that cunt-y. Let the rest of the fucking world act like this shit matters. We all know what really matters over here in America: The Super Bowl, The Indy 500, The Masters, The World Series, The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, The World Series of Paint Drinking, and The Cannibalism Classic. This is what we like. America is about badasses doing badass things. If our team o' queers goes over to the Land of the SuperAIDS and succeeds, some people might think that soccer is a sport. And we don't want that.

You don't want your children to grow up playing soccer. You might as well just put your dick in their mouth because that is their future anyway as a soccer player. That is why we must lose and we must lose big. With great embarrassment overseas these next few weeks, maybe we can wipe this shit activity off of our soil for good. We don't act like cricket matters, it's time to send soccer to the sidelines with cricket.

I don't need America to beat Portugal to know that I'm better than every Portuguese asshole on the planet. I know this already. And if the Brits beat "us" on Saturday, I don't care. At least I don't put vinegar on my fries, you ferries.

Maybe I'm just being a close-minded ass. Hell, I've informed the wife that none of this shit will be on any of our TV's. But I'll let you guys try to prove me wrong on this. And don't even think about using the "hot chicks" excuse. You can find just as much talent on a September Saturday in Oxford, MS than at some match between Slovenia and Angola. Let me know in the comments. Tell me if I should give it a chance or perhaps you would like to applaud my extreme soccer hate. Like it says in the title, it's an open forum, baby. Fuck the World Cup.

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

This is why I love you. Soccer is for weenies.

Anonymous said...

Thats a picture of a dude by the way

GMoney said...

That's a picture of your dad by the way.

Anonymous said...

ZING!

Drew said...

I'm looking forward to it, but I guess I don't really care. I've been to a handful of Crew games over the last couple of years and I went to the USA/Mexico World Cup Qualifier at Crew Stadium...which was a blast. But, in the end it won't matter to me much if we don't even advance out of the pool.

Unlike you though, I do hope we beat England. I love when we beat crazy soccer countries and then they flip out because of embarassment. I also think it would be good if we turned into a very good soccer country. I believe we are currently ranked higher than we've ever been (# 14 in the world), so we are headed that way whether you like it or not. Too many kids play it for us not to end up being pretty good at it.

I also don't think you have much of a choice to avoiding this in the future. ESPN knows soccer is starting to work. Why do you think they air so many English Premiere League games...why do they actually show these English games too? They've been shoving the World Cup down our throats since last summer. They are pushing it to make people become familiar with names.

So, even though I don't really care...I'm very much looking forward to watching USA/England on Saturday. I think it will be great television and the longer we stay in it, the more I will care if we win or not.

Drew said...

Also....Americans don't give a fuck about the Indy 500 anymore. My Uncle has presented the trophy to the winner of that race for the last 7 years or so. I still haven't gone even though I could pretty much get whatever seats, passes, etc...that I want. Maybe I'll go before he steps down at his job some year...until then, I'd rather watch a Jersey Shore re-run.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm with Drew, but I probably care a little more. It's not going to ruin my day, but I watched all the 2006 World Cup matches while road tripping back from Seattle and I was surprised how much I cared then that we didn't make it out of the group. Now we are expected to make it out with no problem, so not doing so will be a huge disappointment.

I don't watch soccer other than the World Cup...I will watch some Premier League stuff for a little bit, but not an entire match. But I actually like watching soccer. It's not hard to watch. There's a nice flow to the game with the attacks/counterattacks. Even if you know nothing about soccer you can understand the strategies fairly quick.

It's kind of like Track and Field for me. Unless it's the Olympics I won't watch it. But during the Olympics the 100m and 200m are can't miss television.

I'm especially with Drew because I want to watch the entire country of England riot, and eventually all of Europe.

GMoney said...

Shut up, Drew. Go back to tea-bagging Alexei Lalas.

Another reason why soccer sucks: their fans behave worse than any fanbase in our country COMBINED. I'm up early on Sunday morning and Bob Ley is telling me about a fucking stampede at a "friendly" soccer match between two shit countries. Ridiculous. I wish that they would all kill each other including Bob Ley.

Upstate Underdog said...

The fact that so many shit ridden countries love soccer is the only reason I need not to like it.

I'll be too busy rearranging my sock and underwear drawer to watch the World Cup.

Anonymous said...

I hear about the world cup over my cube about 10 times a day.. And its been going on since the selection show in February. I also hear about the Crew a few times a week. Please spare me when you're talking about your cunt coworker. I also got invited to Crew Stadium to watch the World Cup and drink some "brewskies." Not gonna happen!

I will watch the WC as long as the US is playing. America.. Fuck yeah!

Dut

Tony B. said...

I'm in on the US/England match on Saturday because it's on at a decent time, we have a decent chance at winning, and for the same reasons Ace and Drew mentioned (potential England riot/hooligan shenanigans.)

The World Cup works for me because of the global competition and because it's only every 4 years. Other than that, I watch a combined 20 minutes of Soccer during World Cup downtime, and all of those minutes are by accident.

GMoney said...

How many South African boys has Bob Ley fucked already? 8?

GMoney said...

HOLY SHIT! WFNY is reporting that Tom Izzo has told his players that he is leaving Lansing and heading to Cleveland. Wow.

Anonymous said...

I have to think, if this is true, that he would not have done this without adequate assurances that LeBron would be there next year.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

That report is bullshit

Anonymous said...

HOLY SHIT! You're a fucking idiot.

GMoney said...

Maybe he hasn't decided yet but that site has never posted unsubstantiated rumors and why the hell else would Izzo call a players only meeting in fucking June???

Mr. Ace said...

Izzo didn't say that he was staying at Sparty, he said he hasn't decided. Which is another way of saying I will be in Cleveland by the weekend.

GMoney said...

Yesterday, I thought the chances of the Cavs and Izzo getting married were about 15%. Today, I feel more like 70%. He turned the Bulls down without hesitation already this offseason but now "he has thinking to do"? I'm with you, Ace, I think he's gone.

MuDawgfan said...

Two Counter Arguments:

1. If the rest of the world hates us and we beat their teams, isn't it like telling the Planet to go fuck themselves? Nothing wrong with that at all.

2. Soccer federations love racism. Not playful "black guys do this, white guys do that" racisim. But 60k people making sounds like monkeys when a black guy touches a ball on the field racisim.

Anonymous said...

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