Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Last week, my boss started some small talk with me and commented about how excited she was for the upcoming World Cup. I acted like I cared. She warned me that from then until mid-July, she would be talking about soccer at work alot. I cried on the inside and wondered if I could get her fired for boring me.
Yeah, the World Cup starts tomorrow from that country that Gary Player calls home. I won't be watching. In fact, I hope that our stupid US team loses early, often, and comes back here as the loser non-celebs that they normally are. This may sound unpatriotic. It's the exact opposite if you think about it. Rooting against our soccer team might be the most American thing that you could possibly do.
I hate soccer. You probably hate soccer. 99% of this country hates soccer. It isn't a sport. It is not "the beautiful game". Do you know what the beautiful game is? FOOTBALL. Real football, fuckers. AMERICAN FOOTBALL. Not this pussy shit where you can't use your hands and everyone flops. Landon Donovan is a homo that should be getting his peanut head flushed in a toilet, not celebrated as some sort of great leader. Soccer is not cool. It is not American. We would never invent a game that cunt-y. Let the rest of the fucking world act like this shit matters. We all know what really matters over here in America: The Super Bowl, The Indy 500, The Masters, The World Series, The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, The World Series of Paint Drinking, and The Cannibalism Classic. This is what we like. America is about badasses doing badass things. If our team o' queers goes over to the Land of the SuperAIDS and succeeds, some people might think that soccer is a sport. And we don't want that.
You don't want your children to grow up playing soccer. You might as well just put your dick in their mouth because that is their future anyway as a soccer player. That is why we must lose and we must lose big. With great embarrassment overseas these next few weeks, maybe we can wipe this shit activity off of our soil for good. We don't act like cricket matters, it's time to send soccer to the sidelines with cricket.
I don't need America to beat Portugal to know that I'm better than every Portuguese asshole on the planet. I know this already. And if the Brits beat "us" on Saturday, I don't care. At least I don't put vinegar on my fries, you ferries.
Maybe I'm just being a close-minded ass. Hell, I've informed the wife that none of this shit will be on any of our TV's. But I'll let you guys try to prove me wrong on this. And don't even think about using the "hot chicks" excuse. You can find just as much talent on a September Saturday in Oxford, MS than at some match between Slovenia and Angola. Let me know in the comments. Tell me if I should give it a chance or perhaps you would like to applaud my extreme soccer hate. Like it says in the title, it's an open forum, baby. Fuck the World Cup.