Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Wal-Mart Retards and Skanks Uniting

(Yes, that is my hospital bracelet)

First of all, I just want to say I am glad to be alive. Seriously. I consumed more alcohol in a weekend than most people do in a lifetime or seven. And then apparently late Saturday night I tried to make my way to the bathroom and slipped on the wet floor and broke my fall with my skull. I have absolutely no recollection of this, but I have a small gash and a crater the size of a golf ball on the top of my head to remind me. Concussions and booze do not mix. Fortunately, I'm alive and feel like fucking dog shit every time I open my eyes. Happy Bachelor party to me.

The shenanigans from the weekend began pretty much immediately. We went to get some food and start the drinking and found out there was a pirate theme in Put in Bay during the weekend...because apparently adults need an excuse to get drunk and look stupid. All I really wanted to do was enjoy my meal but it was disrupted by one of the most disturbing sites I have ever seen. Pirate pussy. I spotted some lady standing on a balcony above us who didn't appear to be wearing any panties. So we all point up to her and she jumps on the railing and lets the whole bar area get a peak at her beef curtains. Holy hell, that was one ugly vagina. I can't even describe it without feeling nauseous. All I can say is I will never eat a Philly cheese steak again.

So after we were offended by the nastiest gash in the history of Homo Sapiens, we decided it was our turn to offend some ladies. Or, more accurately, one of the members of our commentariate thought he should find some skanks. But he didn't really want to find skanks, he just wanted to yell skanks down the hallways and see who would get pissed off. My favorite exchange went a little something like this:

Commentor: Skanks, Unite!
Random guy with his wife: What did you just say?
Commentor: Skanks, Unite! Do you know where we can find some skanks?
Random Guy: No.
Commentor: Well what about her? (gestures to guy's wife)
Random Guy: Did you just call my wife a skank?
Commentor: No, sir. But is she, and does she know where we can find some?

The guy then puffed out his chest a little until he eventually realized he would have been walking into a death match. Shortly after this there was a knock on the door and a hotel employee was on the other side. It turns out at least five people had went down to the front desk to complain about some of the offensive exchanges that took place outside our door. I assured them there would be no more problems and they let us stay.

So we made it through one night. And then we started Saturday by cracking beers before noon and a Jagerbomb at half time of the USA soccer game. The bar was full of people with their faces painted red, white, and blue and I was determined to be as un-American as possible during the game because it just pissed me off. I had my first encounter with a vuvuzela and it's as lame as you thought it would be. I have no doubt that our chants for Ghana were the deciding factor of that game.

After the game we went out on the town again. Some of the group went to a pool bar connected to our hotel. One of the bachelor party attendees decided that he wanted to bring his own beer into the pool, which wasn't allowed. So not only did he bring in his own five cans of beer, but he decided he didn't want to get in the water so he just walked on top of the bar and drank his beers. Needless to say, he was kindly escorted and asked to never show his face again. What an ass hole.

It is after this that everything became a little hazy. I remember ending the night by going to several bars and awkwardly thrusting my pelvis into male strangers when I walked behind them. I woke up Sunday morning wearing shorts that I didn't wear to bed. Apparently I grabbed a can of shaving cream and started a war in the room. Shortly after this war is when I concussed myself. That next morning I felt like I had been ran over by a bulldozer and ass raped by a freight train. A hangover cannot even begin to describe the pain that was creeping up on me.

But on the ferry ride back to our car I heard one of the greatest phrases ever: Wal-Mart retard. There was some girl on the ferry ride sitting across from us and apparently she looked like she had a mental disability, at least to one of the attendees. I told him that I didn't see what he was talking about and he went on to describe her like this; "You know, one of those Wal-Mart Retards that can function enough to bag your groceries but that's about it." I don't know why, but that was just incredible to me.

I didn't really realize until Sunday night that I probably had a concussion. I couldn't sleep. I was sweating my balls off. I felt like I needed to puke every time I got out of bed. And then I drove through the fucking storm of the century back to Columbus and damn near had a panic attack. But I made it back, and yesterday I decided I better go to the ER just to make sure I wasn't about to die. Four fucking hours later I came away with a piece of paper saying I had a concussion and cervical strain, which is basically whiplash, and a prescription to some Darvocet. Greatest bachelor party ever? Indeed.


Grumpy said...

Oddly, it's about what I expected from a Mr. Ace bachelor party, only you fucked up the ending and lived.

Daniel said...

If you recall, I never actually called anyone a skank. I just asked them if they knew the whereabouts of skanks. I don't know why people are so damn sensitive all the time.

GMoney said...

Asking some guy if his wife is a skank/if she knew any skanks = gold

It does not surprise me at all that Ace gets drunk and starts grinding on guys.

What kind of an asshole brings his own beer to a bar? You should have shoved a vuvuzela up his dickhole.

I, too, was fist-pumping when Ghana scored. Go America!

Mr. Ace said...

Good thing I got married early and got on Mrs. Ace's insurance...it's like I planned it.

Grump, well played.

Daniel, you're a skank.

G$, the social awkwardness created when grinding on some guy while he is dancing with a girl is excellent.

And the guy who brought beer into the pool bar is an army drill sergeant, I guess he just doesn't respect authority not dressed in fatigues.

Lil Strut also spent a ridiculous amount of time arguing with someone about why the bar wouldn't accept cards, only cash. And to answer that, I just realized that I left my credit card at some bar on the island.

MuDawgfan said...

I hope your Cervix gets better Mr. Ace.

One of the last times I was in Ohio was at a Bachelor party at Put n' Bay. That place really is "Whore Island"

It's unreal the amount of sluts that vacation there. And you can pretty much pee anywhere you like. Walk outside the bar for 5 minutes into somebodies yard, pee, then walk back in.

Drew said...

You got McGuffied on your bachelor party.

The whole grinding on random dudes because it is funny, is actually quite gay and odd.

Mr. Ace said...

I am filling out a survey that I have to take before Mrs. Ace and I have to meet with the pastor to get married in the church and they have already mentioned something about "your partner has a problem viewing sexually explicit material" three times and I'm only 30% done. Hopefully Mrs. Ace doesn't out me for my porn knowledge.

Drew, I can't deny that. But it was usually just one pelvic thrust while walking by just to see if I could pick up a gay dude.

Anonymous said...


Sorry about the feeling you have of getting raped by a freight train. After you fell asleep, I was drunk and people were throwing enough money on the table that I just couldn't turn it down.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Thank you, Ace, for not revealing that "beef curtains" is actually "Li'l Strut's mother".

I took that survey...actually wrote a post here on it. It is terrible.

Anonymous said...

I knew who was askin for skanks before dan admitted it on the comments.

Driving to Cbus with a massive hangover is F'n miserable. Sometimes it makes me want to cross over into the northbound traffic and play chicken with semis.

Wish I coulda been there. Although maybe it was a blessing. The odds of us getting thrown out of the hotel or beat up would have doubled.


Mr. Ace said...

Dut, I wasnt going to use Dan's name but he is obviously proud of his accomplishment.

I think PIB really would have benefited from seeing the Gary Bird this weekend.

Lil Strut's mother's vagina has a very fine shape and is very presentable.

GMoney said...

Exactly one month until Jersey Shore is back. And happy birthday to THE SITUATION!!!

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