Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My U.S. Soccer Team: NFL Style


As you all know, and I'm sure are still in deep mourning about, the USA soccer team got butt fucked by some rogue ref who hates America. Because we are fucking awesome. Actually, I didn't really care because when you go down 2-0 against Slovenia, FUCKING SLOVENIA, you don't deserve to participate in the World Cup any further.

I know you guys can't wait to hear my opinion on the match on the ol' pitch tomorrow between the Yanks and Algers, but I really don't care anymore. Lucky for you, this post actually has nothing to do with the USA soccer team. Well, almost nothing. It is no secret why the USA soccer team cannot compete at the top level during the World Cup. Talent. When Brazil has 200 million people dying to play soccer it is easy to see how they have become the greatest soccer playing nation ever. When the US has 300 million people and 95% of them don't give two shits about soccer it is easy to see why we aren't Brazil. But what if that were different?

When you look at the national teams for every other county in the world they feature the best athletes that country has to offer. Sure, some might go play basketball or cricket or whatever the fuck else they do in foreign countries, but for the most part you are looking at the cream of the crop. The US team...not so much. Athletes in the US get pulled in every possible direction before they even consider soccer. Kids don't go out to the soccer field by themselves and say they want to be like Cobi Jones, unless they are gay. It's always Jordan or Magic Johnson or Barry Sanders or Tom Brady or Albert Pujols or Michael Phelps--just kidding, swimming is for homo's too.

Imagine if the US actually trotted out the best athletes this country has to offer on our World Cup team. Holy fuck, we would destroy everyone. They would have to make a special tournament where every continent put together a team to take on the US. And we would still destroy all of them. Hell, just give me the NFL players and we would still dominate the world.

The U.S. is running a 4-4-2 for the most part. But fuck that, I need some offense. I'm going with the 3-4-3. Which means three forwards, four midfielders, and three defenders. I'm about to put together the greatest soccer team ever assembled.

Chris Johnson. The fastest man in all of football. I don't think you will find a better fit. The guy can blaze, and he outweighs an average forward by 30 lbs. Pele ain't got nothin' on CJ.

DeSean Jackson. The other fastest man in football. I can't imagine D-Jax ever playing any defense so it is probably best to keep him on the other side of the field. If he can stop himself from celebrating before the goal is actually scored that would be a plus, but we would be winning by 20 every match anyways.

Andre Johnson. He's got the size to play anywhere and will tower over the rest of the other countries midget people.

Larry Fitzgerald. Big, physical, fast, and awesome. Easy pick.

Darrelle Revis. We need at least on defensive player out front, so it might as well be the best in the league. If this were just two years ago it would have been my boy, Brian Dawkins. Actually, the whole team would have been Brian Dawkins.

Wes Welker. Of all the current NFL players, this is the one guy who loks like he should be playing in the World Cup.

Adrian Peterson. How fucking awesome would this be? I am excited and I know it will never happen. Can you imagine one of those pussy Euro's stepping in front of this freight train? That fucker would just be a pile of ash. Dammit, I need this to happen.

Brandon Graham. I know, Michigan bias blah blah blah. Fuck off. Graham is the perfect fit. He is fast enough to keep pace and large enough to remove someone's arms with minimal effort. Plus, I really want to see this happen without pads.

Jared Gaither. Can you imagine a 6'9" 340 lbs. man on a soccer field? No opposing player would want to cross midfield, let alone get near the box.

Brandon Marshall. He's the best WR in the NFL, you have to fit him in somewhere.

Marques Colston. I thought a lot about this one. He has an enormous wingspan. He's enough of an athlete to be the best WR on the Saints(other than Lance Moore). And he has some of the best hands in the NFL. Perfect goalie material.

GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL! This team could not be beat. Ever. Other countries better pray that the U.S. never begins to take soccer seriously because we will dominate the world if we actually want to.

Can you come up with a better team? Of course you can't. But feel free to try.


Drew said...

The U.S. tied Slovenia, FUCKING SLOVENIA...second big fuck up in your two posts today.

Calvin Johnson would be a better goalie.

GMoney said...

Dude, Fitzgerald would be the sickest fucking goalie ever. Best hands in the league.

Worst soccer player = "Red Card" Ray Lewis. He would be ejected 5 seconds into every game and would have murdered that ref from Aidsville.

GMoney said...

Drew, not really a fuck up since the Americunts went down 2 goals to Slovenia...just like Ace said.

Drew said...

No...he said Slovakia. The best part about it is that the American hating ref's decision only through the World Cup more down your throat.

By the way...I cut A.J. Burnett from my fantasy team last night. He's fucking terrible. Good thing he's making $ 16.5 M this year.

GMoney said...

Yeah, he's been awful recently but he won a title last year so it would be a dick move to bitch about him now after the team asked him to throw 3000 innings last year. You should have never drafted him in the first place.

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, I fucking failed Geography, sorry. I forgot all about Calvin Johnson...he would make a great goalie.

I wanted to include Ray Ray but it's just not realistic. After his first on-field murder the US would be done.

Anonymous said...

Add Braylon Edwards.. Didn't he win the B10 high jump? He would be able to score 5 headers a game easy. He can't catch, so he would be a perfect soccer player.

The first person I thought of was Chris Johnson too. He would be unstoppable.


Drew said...

It's not the NFL, but Iverson would have been a sweet soccer player before he got into his gambling and alcohol addictions.

Mr. Ace said...

The NBA wouldn't even be fair. Every guy other than maybe two would be over 6'7".

This team could have easily been made up of all WR's.

MuDawgfan said...

Two additions:

Troy Polamalu (Steelers)- cause soccer fags love long hair and he could just go by his last name like the Brazilians.

Mike Brown (Bears)- Soccer players love diving all over the field and complaining about how they're injured. Nobody better suited than Brown

Tony B. said...

This would be perfect for Adrian Peterson. If he couldn't use his hands, he wouldn't be able to fumble anymore.

Dawg- I agree with your analysis of Mike Brown, but he was on the Chiefs last year, and is a free agent right now. Maybe the Falcons could use him?

Anonymous said...

The soccer talk at work is getting unbearable.. I'm officially rooting for Algeria! Who's comin with me!


Jeff said...

jeff garcia would make a good goalie. I heard he's good with handling balls.

GMoney said...

Jeff, you beat me to it. If you are going to build your own soccer team, you need a head faggot. Garcia fits that bill. Or maybe Romo.


MuDawgfan said...

Mr. Ace - you forgot to name the head coach!

Since soccer requires exactly "0" time management skills and hap hazard substitutions, clearly this is a job for Herm Edwards.

GMoney said...

Fuck you, Dawg. This team has Jim Zorn written ALL OVER IT.

Mr. Ace said...

Yeah...Zorn would have to be the choice here. Although Spurrier and Bobby Petrino would be close seconds.