Thursday, June 03, 2010

The More You Know...

I think I heard Colin Cowherd's cum-guzzling mouth say recently that once we get to June, we pretty much know what every baseball team is all about. For once, I think that he's right about something. And thus today, I am just going to go down the line and reveal what we know about each team. But FIRST, a rant...

The Chicago Cubs are the worst organization in all of sports. They really are. Everything that they do is wrong yet for some strange reason, their fan base has not started a mutiny due to the century-plus of incompetence. Let's focus solely on this season though. Going into last night's game, the Cubs are 1-7 against the fucking Pirates this season. Their payroll is over 146 million this year and they are 5 games under .500. Sure, being third in the division doesn't sound that bad, but you could argue that the Astros, Brewers, and Pirates are the worst three teams in the sport. Lou Piniella has fucking lost his marbles. He has to be openly trying to get fired now just so he doesn't have to lose anymore. The starting rotation is loaded with 3 starters and anchored by a lard ass who got NO ONE out in the American League. The offense is rotten. Their supposed sluggers are nothing but decomposed waste. Yeah, Soriano is having an OK season but he's getting paid 19 million dollars this year and is on the hook for 90 more million through the next few years. Good luck with that. At least other crappy organizations have hope coming up through the farm system. Other than that young SS Fidel Castro (or is it his brother, Dennis?) the Cubs have nothing. NOTHING. Where is the direction within the franchise? I fail to see any logic behind how this team was built. And you know, with at least 8 untradeable contracts on that roster, they are going to be fucked for YEARS. I would recommend that all Cubs fans jump ship now and latch onto the White Sox, but they are just as fucked as well.

So my suggestion to Cubs fans everywhere is to stop fucking going to America's favorite urinal. Just stop. When you show up and buy Ryan Theriot wastes-of-money's, management doesn't get the hint that what they are doing is completely and utterly wrong. And good luck with getting a smart GM to replace that fucking awful Jim Hendry. Any decent baseball man would treat the Cubs GM position like Ray Patterson did after Springfield wanted him to come back as Springfield sanitation commissioner.

Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying to... leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.

As far as the rest of the league goes, here is what we've got (according to me):
Rays - I knew that they would be good, but they aren't this good. Young arms tend to tail off in the summer months.
Yankees - They are fine. Injuries have tried to ravage them but it didn't work. Francisco Cervelli is my homeboy.
Blue Jays - I have no idea how they are doing this with that lineup and Kevin Gregg on the back end. I said before the season that they would be the worst team in baseball...there is plenty of time left for them to get there.
Red Sox - I guess that completely ignoring your offense in the offseason eventhough you have the money to upgrade was not a wise decision.
Orioles - They should be better than this. Wieters, non-Pacman Jones, and Markakis have been pedestrian.

Twins - Good season and all, but they are not a threat to the pennant unless they go out and get Oswalt and upgrade at closer.
Tigers - It's never a good idea to play that many rookies all the while trying to say that you are a contender. Looks like the league is figuring out A-Jax after all. GREAT CALL last night against Dut Galarraga. No one who plays for the Tigers should ever be considered perfect anyway.
White Sox - One of the worst outfields ever assembled. And do you remember when Jake Peavy was good?
Indians - We all knew that they would be bad, but damn they suck. Why is it that they are the only team that would employ Jhonny Peralta? Coming soon: the yearly fire would think that they would be about out of product by now.
Royals - Did you know that this team leads the AL in hitting? I didn't care either.

Rangers - On paper, this is probably the best team in the division, I guess. Vlad must be back on steroids.
A's - I would like to see someone kill Dallas Braden. This would amuse me. And it only took Eric Chavez until May to get hurt for the season.
Angels - It's pretty hard to say that baseball players are athletes when Kendry Morales can't even celebrate without breaking his fucking leg. What a pussy.
Mariners - Who would have known that building a lineup contingent on Milton Bradley becoming a 30/100 guy was a shit idea? Yeah, Cliff Lee's getting dealt again this summer.

Braves - NOW we're talking. My sleeper pick from the preseason is starting to gel. But it appears that Larry Jones is pretty much done.
Phillies - These guys can't fucking hit. At all. It's sad when Roy Hallady HAS to throw a perfecto to get a win.
Mets - I kind of like this team but they are one or two decent pitchers short. They'll hang around all year.
Marlins - I wish nothing but failure for Hanley Ramirez. Run, you fuck!
Nationals - Strasburg on Tuesday!!! The Nats are frisky but probably a year or two away from wrestling the East away from the Phillies. Seriously, I believe this.

Reds - Dusty Baker will fuck this up. The Reds seemingly win every close game this year but that never lasts. Another team that is a year away.
Cardinals - I hate Matt Holliday. Never thought that he was that great. In fact, I just traded him and Garza for Carl Crawford and Greinke. I love this deal for me. Oh, and the STL is still going to win the division.
Cubs - see angry rant above
Pirates - Still shitty
Brewers - Should not be this shitty (9-18 at HOME!)
Astros - So bad that Jose Lima killed himself

Padres - These fucks have the fifth best record in baseball. I have no idea how this is possible but it won't last.
Dodgers - These fucks still can't hit consistently.
Rockies - I am proud to say that I have been on the Ubaldo Jiminez bandwagon for the past three years. Just give him the Cy now. They are still the best team out West.
Giants - They still can't hit either and Lincecum has been shitty recently. Unless Buster Posey hits like Barry Bonds, the Giants are done.
Diamondbacks - The only thing that I know about this team is that Edwin Jackson is horseshit and they just UPGRADED their staff by trading for Dontrelle. That is what last place teams do.

One more thing that I do know: Ol' G$ (and Damman) will be heading to new Yankee Stadium on 6/16-17 to watch the Yankees and Phillies do battle twice at the house that Big Stein built. It will be first trip to the new shrine of baseball. I could not be more pumped about this. And I also know that Rafael Perez should be working at Citgo.


Drew said...

That call last night was horrendous. I'm glad that Jim Joyce's name will ultimately be turned into a verb. The Detroit fans should have given him the Artest treatment and just rained beers down on him.

GMoney said...

It was a good call. He was clearly safe. When you can't beat out shitbirds like Dontrelle and Bondo in Spring Training, you clearly aren't good.

Mudawgfan said...

"Braves - NOW we're talking. My sleeper pick from the preseason is starting to gel."

We'll learn a bit more about their staying power in the next 11 games. Dodgers and Twins on the road, D-Rays at home and a small break out in Arizona.

Anything better than 6 wins would be excellent and Martin Prado should start at 2B for the NL in the All Star Game - provided he isn't arrested in Arizona for being Latin-American

Drew said...

G$....You would think that's a good call, which is why you are probably the worst yough ump in the midwest.

I always enjoy your denial about how good the Rays are.

Jeff said...

Great call! G$, we need more mlb umpires like Jim Joyce attending your umpiring academy!

GMoney said...

Tampa is good as I picked them to make the playoffs in the preseason, but they are starting to come back to earth a bit.

Galarraga still sucks.

Where the hell have Ace and Dut been recently? Are they fucking again?

Anonymous said...

You're right.. They've figured out Jackson and his .332 average (6th in AL). Also, how about that catch he made last night to save the perfect game!?


Tony B. said...

As a diehard Cubs fan, it's hard to disagree with your Cubs rant (I'm obviously not jumping ship, or off a bridge, but I digress.)

It's a more fixable situation than you're portraying it as, though. Their young 3B Vitters will replace Aramis Ramirez once his contract is gone (there is some option on his contract, but I'm not sure if it automatically vests for next year, is a player option or club option.)

I read yesterday that they may trade Derrek Lee to the Angels soon (no idea if this will happen, but I'm pretty ok with it.)

Jim Hendry fell in love with the idea of the 2003 team and has GM'ed that way for 7 years. I mean, he immediately went out and got players from the Marlin team that beat the Cubs in the playoffs (Juan Pierre, Derrek Lee, Chad Fox, etc.) The current Cubs are old and have two really bad contracts (Zambrano and Soriano.)

I do think they have some decent value in some of their young players as long as they don't sign old stop gap players to continue to hold the young guys down. Andrew Cashner should be starting (trade Ted Lilly or put Z on waivers and see if a team will bite) and Tyler Colvin leads rookies in batting average (get that guy some more at bats!) They have a center fielder from Cal (Jackson) who should be pretty good when he comes up.

It's not hopeless, but it's hard to be encouraged in the immediate future. I don't think the Cubs GM job is how you described it. In fact, I think some confident savage should look at it like "If I put a team together than wins it all, I'll be a God in Chicago." Not a bad payoff for someone who can get the job done. Hell, make it to the NLCS once and have job security for 7+ years!

Grumpy said...

More vacation stories.

Drew said...

Dut...that catch was fucking amazing.

Shook's Son said...

Dut was the lucky pierre in between me and Ace.

GMoney said...

Shook's Son = best commenter ever

Knowing Ace, it was probably a Lucky Juan Pierre.

I stand by my Cubs/Ray Patterson analogy.

It would be nice if everyone on the planet would just calm the fuck down about that non-perfect game. That's what you are supposed to do against the Indians for fuck's sake.

GMoney said...

And Dut, AJax's average did drop 67 points from April to May. Still solid and all, but they are starting to figure him out.

Drew said...

A-Jax is already 3/3 today.... nice little .341 average on this season.