Thursday, June 03, 2010
I think I heard Colin Cowherd's cum-guzzling mouth say recently that once we get to June, we pretty much know what every baseball team is all about. For once, I think that he's right about something. And thus today, I am just going to go down the line and reveal what we know about each team. But FIRST, a rant...
The Chicago Cubs are the worst organization in all of sports. They really are. Everything that they do is wrong yet for some strange reason, their fan base has not started a mutiny due to the century-plus of incompetence. Let's focus solely on this season though. Going into last night's game, the Cubs are 1-7 against the fucking Pirates this season. Their payroll is over 146 million this year and they are 5 games under .500. Sure, being third in the division doesn't sound that bad, but you could argue that the Astros, Brewers, and Pirates are the worst three teams in the sport. Lou Piniella has fucking lost his marbles. He has to be openly trying to get fired now just so he doesn't have to lose anymore. The starting rotation is loaded with 3 starters and anchored by a lard ass who got NO ONE out in the American League. The offense is rotten. Their supposed sluggers are nothing but decomposed waste. Yeah, Soriano is having an OK season but he's getting paid 19 million dollars this year and is on the hook for 90 more million through the next few years. Good luck with that. At least other crappy organizations have hope coming up through the farm system. Other than that young SS Fidel Castro (or is it his brother, Dennis?) the Cubs have nothing. NOTHING. Where is the direction within the franchise? I fail to see any logic behind how this team was built. And you know, with at least 8 untradeable contracts on that roster, they are going to be fucked for YEARS. I would recommend that all Cubs fans jump ship now and latch onto the White Sox, but they are just as fucked as well.
So my suggestion to Cubs fans everywhere is to stop fucking going to America's favorite urinal. Just stop. When you show up and buy Ryan Theriot wastes-of-money's, management doesn't get the hint that what they are doing is completely and utterly wrong. And good luck with getting a smart GM to replace that fucking awful Jim Hendry. Any decent baseball man would treat the Cubs GM position like Ray Patterson did after Springfield wanted him to come back as Springfield sanitation commissioner.
Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying to... leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.
As far as the rest of the league goes, here is what we've got (according to me):
Rays - I knew that they would be good, but they aren't this good. Young arms tend to tail off in the summer months.
Yankees - They are fine. Injuries have tried to ravage them but it didn't work. Francisco Cervelli is my homeboy.
Blue Jays - I have no idea how they are doing this with that lineup and Kevin Gregg on the back end. I said before the season that they would be the worst team in baseball...there is plenty of time left for them to get there.
Red Sox - I guess that completely ignoring your offense in the offseason eventhough you have the money to upgrade was not a wise decision.
Orioles - They should be better than this. Wieters, non-Pacman Jones, and Markakis have been pedestrian.
Twins - Good season and all, but they are not a threat to the pennant unless they go out and get Oswalt and upgrade at closer.
Tigers - It's never a good idea to play that many rookies all the while trying to say that you are a contender. Looks like the league is figuring out A-Jax after all. GREAT CALL last night against Dut Galarraga. No one who plays for the Tigers should ever be considered perfect anyway.
White Sox - One of the worst outfields ever assembled. And do you remember when Jake Peavy was good?
Indians - We all knew that they would be bad, but damn they suck. Why is it that they are the only team that would employ Jhonny Peralta? Coming soon: the yearly fire sale...you would think that they would be about out of product by now.
Royals - Did you know that this team leads the AL in hitting? I didn't care either.
Rangers - On paper, this is probably the best team in the division, I guess. Vlad must be back on steroids.
A's - I would like to see someone kill Dallas Braden. This would amuse me. And it only took Eric Chavez until May to get hurt for the season.
Angels - It's pretty hard to say that baseball players are athletes when Kendry Morales can't even celebrate without breaking his fucking leg. What a pussy.
Mariners - Who would have known that building a lineup contingent on Milton Bradley becoming a 30/100 guy was a shit idea? Yeah, Cliff Lee's getting dealt again this summer.
Braves - NOW we're talking. My sleeper pick from the preseason is starting to gel. But it appears that Larry Jones is pretty much done.
Phillies - These guys can't fucking hit. At all. It's sad when Roy Hallady HAS to throw a perfecto to get a win.
Mets - I kind of like this team but they are one or two decent pitchers short. They'll hang around all year.
Marlins - I wish nothing but failure for Hanley Ramirez. Run, you fuck!
Nationals - Strasburg on Tuesday!!! The Nats are frisky but probably a year or two away from wrestling the East away from the Phillies. Seriously, I believe this.
Reds - Dusty Baker will fuck this up. The Reds seemingly win every close game this year but that never lasts. Another team that is a year away.
Cardinals - I hate Matt Holliday. Never thought that he was that great. In fact, I just traded him and Garza for Carl Crawford and Greinke. I love this deal for me. Oh, and the STL is still going to win the division.
Cubs - see angry rant above
Pirates - Still shitty
Brewers - Should not be this shitty (9-18 at HOME!)
Astros - So bad that Jose Lima killed himself
Padres - These fucks have the fifth best record in baseball. I have no idea how this is possible but it won't last.
Dodgers - These fucks still can't hit consistently.
Rockies - I am proud to say that I have been on the Ubaldo Jiminez bandwagon for the past three years. Just give him the Cy now. They are still the best team out West.
Giants - They still can't hit either and Lincecum has been shitty recently. Unless Buster Posey hits like Barry Bonds, the Giants are done.
Diamondbacks - The only thing that I know about this team is that Edwin Jackson is horseshit and they just UPGRADED their staff by trading for Dontrelle. That is what last place teams do.
One more thing that I do know: Ol' G$ (and Damman) will be heading to new Yankee Stadium on 6/16-17 to watch the Yankees and Phillies do battle twice at the house that Big Stein built. It will be first trip to the new shrine of baseball. I could not be more pumped about this. And I also know that Rafael Perez should be working at Citgo.