Thursday, June 17, 2010

Husband Knows Dick...I'm a Husband

(I'll be there before you know it)

Well, as you all know by now, I took the plunge into married life just over a week ago. This was the gay little mini-marriage I had to do so that I could have a wedding ceremony in the church. Whatever, all this really means is that I get to wear a ring and jump on Mrs. Ace's insurance two months early. And two of my favorite things are unnecessary jewelry and $20 c0-pay rectal exams--Winner=ME.

But there are a few things that I have learned in the whole 11 days I have been married. First, Mrs. Ace seems to like me more right now. I don't know what to make of this. For example, I have an unhealthy obsession with my aquarium which she reminds me of constantly. If my Yellow Tang had a vagina I would totally try to procreate with it. But I was forced to drop $120 on a new lighting system because my other one burnt out. A couple days later I had to go buy new bulbs for it and ended up coming home not only with bulbs, but with $60 worth of corals. She didn't even care. If I would have done that a month ago she would have taken a sledge hammer to the tank and made me cook the inhabitants for dinner. Either she is plotting on me, the chemicals I had placed in the engagement ring are finally kicking in, or she knows she is going to hate me for the rest of our lives so she is just trying to positive while she can. Christ, lets hope it's the chemicals.

However, there is one thing that I absolutely cannot do, no matter how much Mrs. Ace is pretending to like me. I cannot use kitchen towels for anything other than dishes. In Mrs. Ace's kitchen if you dare let those towels touch anything other than soapy water, it's your ass. Trying to clean up grease on the stove? It's your ass. Cleaning up spilled booze on the counter? It's your ass. If there is so much as a fucking hint of stain on those towels she will hobble your ass like in Misery.

What the hell is up with that? Why do women pick the most random thing to be so defensive of? It's a fucking three dollar towel, treat it like that. If I want to use it to clean the bacon grease off the Foreman or clean the drip pan on the grill, I will because I'm a man, dammit. No sissy rag is going to stop me from doing what I have to do. It's not like I crust it up with baby batter like Daniel does at his place. I just want to clean shit. That's all.

You know what else I've learned? You don't use a knife in a pan because it scratches the pan. Because a scratch in the pan makes it cook different, right? Of course not. The pan could look like Edward Scissor Hands was making the dish and the shit would still come out delicious, especially if I am captaining the stove at the time. Why the hell does this matter? It's not hanging on the fucking wall. We never have company over but if we did the first thing I would show them certainly wouldn't be my collection of T-Fal.

Another thing that I've realized is that I need to pre-screen the mail before I bring it in the house. If it's not a bill or a wedding invitation(why the fuck is everybody getting married this summer?) then it absolutely cannot come into the house. If it does it is destined to sit on my kitchen table for all eternity. I have never seen anybody hoard mail like Mrs. Ace. Goddammit, it's a check stub from six months ago, please let me throw it in the trash where it belongs. Anybody want an Oriental Trading coupon from 2007? You bet your sweet ass we have it. Want to know what Giant Eagle had on sale in October? Got it. My wife is goddamn mail addict and I don't know if she can kick the habit! Why couldn't she just smoke meth?

Now don't get me wrong, I know I have it good--She's actually cool with us going to Vegas for our honeymoon. No better time to show her my gambling problem, right?-- I mean, I'm complaining about my wife(damn, that's weird) liking clean towels for fuck's sake. It's not like she is driving me to take family vacations as a grown man without her--with a friend. But I'm sure you readers have a lady in your life other than your mother and Betty the blow-up that does things that just puzzle you. Consider this your opportunity to vent in the comments and get sound relationship advice from Uncle Ace. You're welcome.


Grumpy said...

Mr. Ace, why can't my wife say anything in 25 words or less?

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, I wish I had an answer. I know more about what goes on in Mrs. Ace's office than half of her co-workers. It just happens. But what I used to do to an old roommate that used to babble on about nothing is simply not acknowledge his comments if I disagreed with him.

It's just simple classical conditioning. If your wife says something in less then 25 words then you respond positively. If she goes on like she's giving a state of the union address then you don't respond at all. You may end up with a shoe to the face, but eventually it will work.

MuDawgfan said...

Mr. Ace - I know it's only been 11 days, but have you received any perks in terms of household errands?

Does the Mrs. wash your laundry or keep the pantry stocked with your favorite snacks?

Also - is she a fairly good cook?

Mr. Ace said...

Dawg, our roles are completely reversed. I'm doing the Grad school thing so I make $0 right now. Mrs. Ace brings home the bacon and I take care of household duties. Which is fine because I'm a master of the kitchen while Mrs. Ace...not so much. So it works out just fine, but I am clearly the bitch in this relationship.

Anonymous said...

Ace- you don't use a knife on a pan because the scratches lead to shit sticking in the pan. I'm with the Mrs on this one.


GMoney said...

Nobody hoards junk mail like the saul/dut household.

Tell me more about those rectal exams.

Mr. Ace said...

Dut, it's not like I'm carving into the pan, just a slight superficial scratch. Spray some Pam on that bitch and nothing will stick. It adds character.

Half of my mail I don't even bother opening. Straight to the trash.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Ace....

Why do I have to take on a strap on in the bed room now that I'm married? We didn't used to do this, but She$ said it was a normal part of marriage. I'm growing to kind of like it though too.


Mr. Ace said...

Ooooo Anon strikes with his fake G$ post. Weak Sauce. Leave the strap on jokes to Shook's Son.

Tony B. said...

Ace, I feel you on the mail hoarding- My wife does that as well, and I have no idea what it is all about.

Anon/Fake G$- weak comment. You need to get a Dikembe Mutombo finger wag for that shit.

Mr. Ace said...

Just throwing this out there for the Central Ohio crowd.

There is a coupon for 50% off a round at High Lands Golf Club in Pataskala. So instead of paying $52 for a round, you pay $26.

Whose trying to go golfing this weekend?

Anonymous said...

Ace- don't pretend you're going golfing this weekend.. You'll be at the GLBT rally in the Short North! Do you have a rainbow float again this year?


Mr. Ace said...

Dut, don't project your homo fantasies onto me. I know Uncle T showed you the ropes on how it goes down in short north.