Thursday, June 24, 2010
I promised a story today and, by God, you're getting it. It's one of the few tales from my past that I've yet to tell but I think that you will be pleased with the results. Hell, I had to break it up into two parts just to save you all the massive amount of time that it would take to read it all at once. By the way, Part 2 will air on Monday. So let's get started with today's portion which is all background and build-up.
Growing up in relatively rural northwest Ohio, there isn't really that much to do when you are between the ages of 13 and 15. We were too young to drink heavily and too old for baby rape (you paying attention...good). So you have to make due. For me and my friends, hanging out and doing childish shit seemed to pass the time quite nicely. Making prank phone calls was enjoyable. Nothing beat scanning the classifieds, finding someone selling a lawnmower or something, and then calling that person with questions about the mower at 4 AM. It was gold. But that wasn't the only immature shit that we did.
One night, 4 or 5 of us were staying out at (late night commenter) Hoffman's house. I don't know who came up with the idea, but we decided to cause some late night, country-fried mischief. You see, Hoffman lived on a farm out in the sticks. The corner of 19 and U to be exact. So the idea that we concocted was that we would sneak out of the house, walk a bit down the road, and moon cars passing by.
Have you ever mooned a car? It is fucking awesome. I wish that I still took part in behavior like this. I moon the wife when she won't get off the couch but it's just not the same. Showing your ass to a complete stranger while they're driving 60 mph is quite the rush. When you throw in 4-6 friends doing the same thing, it makes it even better. A handful of presented pre-teen ass...talk about a pedophile's dream. It's totally not gay at all so don't even try to go there, you perverts.
So we decide that mooning motorists was going to be our entertainment for the night. We also dubbed the crossing of 19 and U, "Ass Intersection" because you could get drivers traveling on either road and because we are geniuses. Now, the key to a good group moon is that EVERYONE has to sell out. You can't have anyone (pardon the pun) half-ass it. That means that at the time when everyone decides to drop, you keep it dropped until the car passes, honks the horn, or screams an obscenity at you. No quick flashes. You have to own the moon, dammit.
I ended up being sort of the de facto leader of the group. It required no leading at all but I usually was the one that yelled out the command for everyone to present their ass. I had a good knack for knowing exactly when to moon. You didn't want to do it too early because you don't want the car to stop because what the fuck are you supposed to do then? That would be very, very bad. And you don't want to do it late obviously either. Oh, silly me, you are probably wondering what the command was? I would yell in an annoying voice:
"I THINK I DROPPED SOMETHING!!!"
And then the 6 full moons would appear out of seemingly nowhere to the unsuspecting driver.
Close your eyes for a second, open them, and read this carefully. What would your reaction be if you were driving at night (possibly drunk) and saw six asses in the bean field to your right? You would laugh your ass off and hopefully get into a car wreck, no? It was a victimless and hilarious crime.
The reactions were usually mundane and non-descript. It helped that as soon as the car would pass, we would all drop to the ground where we covered by a foot-high field of beans (which I would NEVER do now because all sorts of weird rodents are hanging out in fields). We were a bunch of ass-baring ghosts, one might say. It was the perfect prank. Except for the time that the car stopped, the driver was not about to go looking for us in the field though, so he just decided to scream, "I'm gonna rape your mom!". That might be the best comeback ever.
Over the next year or so, we spent a few nights heading back out to Ass Intersection and always having an enjoyable time of it. But like the narrator of Vh1's Behind The Music's would say, "the good times were about to change". It all got too real on one New Year's Eve. And it was the last time that I've ever professionally "group-mooned". And I believe that goes for everyone else, too (Damman, Hoffman, Hottest Bartender in Columbus, Rune, and Rex). It was the end of an era.
But that portion of the story will be coming on Monday. And believe me, it is a solid story from start to finish. What an ass-tease I am!