Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Everything You Need to Know About the NBA Finals

(Lakers or Celtics...Yes please.)

Well, America got what they asked for. At least the Finals will be watchable. Can you imagine the NBA Finals if the Suns would have made it? I can only take so much talk about how much of a bad ass Steve Nash is. Just because you bleed like a menstruating vagina doesn't mean you're the toughest baller on the planet. And how about the Magic? Thanks for showing up, ass holes. Dwight Howard's nickname shouldn't be Superman, it should be the fucking Tinman. But we don't have to worry about those losers anymore. The Lakers and Celtics will kick off the Finals on Thursday and I can't decide which teams' plane I want to crash more.

Don't you just absolutely hate when people you hate win? When I watched the Yankees win the World Series I got violently ill. I was shitting pin stripes for weeks. The Fuckeyes won the goddamn Rose Bowl. Kobe won a title without Shaq. Terrible fucking people keep winning and it pisses me off. Like when we used to have poker night and I had to watch Dustin walk away a winner, I wanted to slam a stack of blues right up his ass. But I have come up with a plan to make this work for me.

The team that I hate the most is undoubtedly going to win. So I just need to figure out which team I hate the most in a matchup and I've got a guaranteed winner. The NBA Finals is a great opportunity for me to test this theory. I will grade the top six players and head coach on a scale of 1-10. A "1" equals a person I love, like Manu Ginobili. A "10" equals a person I would pay an infinite amount of money to watch then get their testicles ripped off, like Cris Carter. Whoever gets the most points is your guaranteed winner.

L.A. Lakers:
HC: Phil Jackson. 7. You know that episode of South Park about the giant cloud of smug? Phil Jackson would be the fucking captain. Not only that, he is probably the most overrated coach ever. Don't get me wrong, he is a very good, if not great, coach. But how do people actually give him credit for winning titles WITH three of the best players ever? With Jordan, Shaq, and Kobe you should win 10 titles.

Kobe Bryant. 4. I used to hate him. He raped some slutbag in Colorado. He's the worst athlete/rapper ever. He was anointed "The Next Jordan" way to early. But then Lebron came along and I was able to focus all of my Kobe hate on Lebron. Kobe became the most clutch player in the game. He's still the best player in the association right now. I love that he's a dick and doesn't care.

Pau Gasol. 8. Pau? What kind of homo name is that? He looks like a camel. He throws a bitchfit after every possession. He's Spanish...but not a Mexican.

Ron Artest. 5. Is there any other active athlete crazier than Artest? I can't think of anybody. But who doesn't love a little crazy?

Derek Fisher. 7. Why do I hate Derek Fisher so much? I have no fucking clue, but I just do. I get the feeling he puts out cigarettes on his retarded daughter behind closed doors.

Lamar Odom. 8. Look at the Kardashians. Which one would you least like to fuck? Really, Lamar? You choose the wildebeest.

Bonus: Adam Morrison. 10. Remember this hillfuck? He now has a championship ring. He can't possibly become a back to back champion. The world would not be right.

Boston Celtics:
HC: Doc Rivers. 3. I actually like Doc Rivers. Not really sure why. He's not a good coach. But he married a white lady. That's good enough for me.

Paul Pierce. 6. Why don't people make a bigger deal about Pierce being stabbed 11 times? 50 cent is a multimillionaire because he got shot nine times. His music is horrible. His acting is worse. But he got shot nine times and lived so people pay him money. Paul Pierce should put out a rap album.

Ray Allen. 3. I don't really like Ray Allen, but I've got two words for you; Jesus Shuttlesworth.

Rajon Rondo. 4. Rondo will become one of the most hated players in the association in the next couple years. When he leaves Boston and is out from under all those veterans he will become the next Allen Iverson, minus the scoring ability. But until then, I really have no problems with him.

Kevin Garnett. 10. Biggest douche bag in the NBA and it's not even close. I wish he would have been stuck in Minnesota his entire career because he deserved it.

Kendrick Perkins. 2. I like Perkins because he reminds me of the good ol' days when the NBA allowed flying elbows and power bombs in the key. Stop T-ing him up for nothing, dicks.

Bonus: Rasheed Wallace. 9. Sheed and I have a love/hate relationship. I love him because he doesn't give a shit and he really wants you to know he doesn't give a shit. But I hate him because he doesn't give a shit and he really wants you to know he doesn't give a shit. Sheed could be one of the ten best players ever if he cared about basketball as much as he cared about getting high with Damon Stoudamire.

And the winner is...the Lakers, 49 to 37. Yikes, they are about to sweep. I fucking hate those guys.


Anonymous said...

You should hate me cause I hate you.......because your white.
Go F yourself,
KG (I deserve everything I get son)

Mr. Ace said...

KG doesn't know how to use a computer.

Grumpy said...

When does G$ get back?

Mr. Ace said...

Go write about immigration and oil spills, hippie.

Drew said...

Growing up a Pistons fan, I was raised to despise the Celtics. Therefore I will be rooting hard for Kobe and Mr. Kardashian in this series.

Anonymous said...

KG knows everything, he is who I want to be. Don't piss me off or I'll kill you Mr. Ace.
K. Perkins

GMoney said...

Out of all the people that you ranked, Pau is the only one that I remotely like. But I do have a camel fetish.

While I would prefer it if both teams could lose, I would rather see Rasheed carrying around his championship belt all season next year than see Ron Artest piggyback a title when he clearly does not belong on this team (let alone start).

I hate Derek Fisher because he is the dirtiest player in the league now that Bowen is gone. Jazz fans were right to talk shit about his kid.

Anonymous said...

Ace- get used to it. I've won every tournament that I've tried in!