Friday, June 25, 2010
Hello. G$ here coming to you LIVE from the Money Mansion. Well, not really. But we will press on nonetheless. Tonight is one of my favorite nights of the year...the NBA Draft. Sure, it's not as much fun as the NFL Draft but it's quick, usually entertaining, and full of dozens of made-up Jay Bilas terms! So sit back and enjoy the largest collection of black people gathered into one room since the Source Awards!!! If you couldn't tell, expect lots and lots of casually racist posts tonight.
7:30 - The Wizards are officially on the clock yet stupid ESPN is at commercial. We're off to a great start already. By the way, the dog has been walked, the wife is at work still, and my dinner of two slices of pizza and a MANWICH (best food ever) has been consumed. I am ready to dominate this post.
7:32 - The most important Jew in basketball welcomes us to the Draft. Thanks, David. You are a smug asshole. Stern just pulled off a Hogan "cupping his hand behind his ear" move. Love it!
7:34 - By the way, after reading mock drafts this week, this year's class is fucking awful. I would not be shocked if there were no all-stars out of this crop. And in case you were wondering, the Bulls kicking Hinrich out the door to be able to afford two max free agents scares the shit out of me.
7:37 - The first thing that John Wall should buy before heading to DC is a kevlar vest. Gilbert Arenas jokes!
7:38 - Jay Bilas has said "tremendous" at least 5 times so far. Get that fuck a thesaurus. Make that 6.
7:40 - Mark Jones is wearing an earring. Way to look professional.
7:42 - YES! Everyone wants to hear what Wall's mother has to say. She's crying. Time to move on up to the east side!
7:44 - Evan Turner is going to Philly. Wow. Move over Richard Jefferson, the NBA has a new Uncle Tom. Could he be any less black? Bilas just described ET as a "basketball player". I'm glad you showed up tonight, Jay. It also appears that Evan is whining that Stern fouled him during their handshake. Some things never change. And they just showed a highlight of him getting picked clean by Zack Novak. This will be the closest that Novak ever gets to the NBA.
7:49 - The Nets take Derrick Favors. Awful. This kid is going to be terrible. Mark my words. In the biggest game of his season, I watched him get his shit stuffed by Dallas fucking Lauderdale. Enjoy New Jersey, Kwame Brown Junior.
7:53 - Van Gundy just said that Avery Johnson has proven to be an outstanding coach. Ummm, mind if I see that proof?
7:54 - The Wolves take Wesley Johnson. This will be the last time that you ever hear about Wesley Johnson. Stu-yah is fixated on Johnson's trousers. Shut up, One Eye.
7:56 - The puppy won't stop barking. Those damn dune-coons must be walking around. If the Kings don't take Cousins here, they should be contracted. He's MUCH better than the last two guys taken.
8:00 - The Kings take Cousins. Smart pick. He's going to be a beast as long as he doesn't go on a shooting spree or something. Damn, with Evans and Cousins, that's quite a solid foundation for Sacramento. Bilas complimented DeMarcus on his "second jump".
8:04 - I'm surprised Calipari showed up. Shouldn't he be trying to convince boosters to pay off players? Cousins may be a snappy dresser, but he is the clubhouse leader when it comes to worst speaker.
8:06 - Now we get into the crappy players. Ten bucks says that Golden State does something stupid. Will they take Tyson Alualu? No, they take Ekpe Udoh instead. Udoh would not be a lottery pick in any other draft. Looks like the Pistons are taking Monroe now.
8:08 - You know, no one thinks that Dumars is a terrible GM more than I do. But now that I think about it, he almost always drafts well. He really does. But when you give him cap room and ask him to attack free agency, that's when he is at his worst.
8:09 - Udoh apparently wore #13 because his middle name means Friday. What a fag. I'm shocked that he speaks good english though.
8:12 - The Pistons take Greg Monroe. Obvious and solid pick there. They went all last season without any post presence at all so he will probably start right away. You've got to love a guy that got OWNED by Ohio U!
8:18 - The Clippers take Al-Farouq Aminu. David Stern saying his name was funny. Aminu looks like a cross between Dwight Howard, Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show, and Urkel. Did I do that??? Personally, I would have taken Farooq and the Nation of Domination with that pick.
8:21 - Who will be the first weirdo foreign guy sitting in the crowd to get drafted in the second round? That always kills me!
8:22 - Hello, Ric Bucher! That was great when Kobe wiped his snot on Ric's hair.
8:24 - The Jazz take Gordon Hayward. He'll fit in perfectly there. Seriously. I believe that. He's going to be fine. But I am worried about Larry Bird. He wanted that white kid. Now he's going to have to take his Klan mask off to make the next pick.
8:27 - Oh God, Jay just compared Hayward to Luke Jackson. Jackson was the worst draft pick that the Cavs ever made and that is saying A LOT. Gordon's twin sister is a fucking nerd.
8:29 - Please, Larry, draft Cole Aldrich. You need more white guys that won't make a difference. Remember when the Pacers were good?
8:31 - The Pacers take Paul George. I have never heard of this guy. He plays the same position as Danny Granger. Nice pick, Larry. Holy shit, this is going to be a long night. There are still 20 more picks and they are already taking guys that I don't know.
8:34 - Stu-yah says that there is still talent left to be picked. I disagree.
8:36 - Commercial for Eminem's new album...do people still listen to him? His schtick feels like it's old by now.
8:38 - The Hornets take Cole Aldrich. Chris Paul has to be pissed. Nevermind. Aldrich and Mo-Pete to OKC for two picks. Whatever. If Aldrich thinks that he can steal minutes from my boy, Byron Mullens, he's got another thing coming!
8:44 - The Grizzlies take Xavier Henry. Nice pick for them and pretty much guarantees that Rudy Gay is going to the Knicks. His brother was drafted by the Yankees? I like it.
8:46 - Is Heather Cox bangable? I mean, I know she's not hot but would you hammer it? I would pound Doris Burke for sure. Just for the story...
8:48 - Who the fuck is Tom Penn and why does ESPN feel they need a salary cap expert on draft night???
8:50 - The Raptors take Ed Davis. I'm about ready to pass out from sheer boredom. Who needs Chris Bosh when you can add an Ed Davis?
8:57 - Yao Ming update! Jesus, we're not even halfway through and I'm dying over here. The Rockets take Patrick Patteron. It seems like Houston always makes good personnel moves. Bilas says that PP is "an absolute MAN".
8:59 - No big surprises yet...COME ON, NBA!
9:02 - The Bucks just took Garry Shandling. He is compared to Theo Ratliff. Yeah, that's who you want on your team. Jesus Christ. Someone draft a foreigner so Fran Fraschilla can earn his paycheck tonight.
9:05 - The Wolves take Luke Babbitt. Look at that, another guy that I've never heard of before. The crowd at the Garden literally has ZERO reaction for this guy. Guys named Luke are terrible. Move over, DeMarcus, because Babbitt is the worst speaker ever. He's going to Portland anyway.
9:10 - Eventhough this pick is going to Washington, Jon Barry doesn't seem to understand that. He thinks that the Bulls should take James Anderson eventhough this isn't their pick. The Bulls take KEVIN SERAPHIN for the Wiz! A French big man? Oh, I'm sure that he'll be a force in the league for years to come. Stu-yah just said that he has "tremendous upside potential". Fuck you, Stu.
9:13 - Seraphin's dad looks exactly like Forrest Whittaker. That made me laugh. He just Mike Utley'd the camera. That also made me laugh.
9:14 - Nice lie, Kevin Durant. Aldrich is not a game changer. At best he's Eric Montross.
9:16 - The Hornets via OKC take Eric Bledsoe. Oh thank God. I did not want this kid to end up in Boston. You know, with CP3, Collison, Marcus Thornton, and now Bledsoe, the NOLA has a sick backcourt. The Celtics are going to draft Jordan Crawford here, I'm guessing and it will be a great choice.
9:21 - Barry thinks that Kevin Garnett is on the down side of his career. Thanks for that juicy nugget, douche.
9:22 - The Celtics take Avery Bradley. Way to draft a guy at the only position in which you aren't old and decrepit, Danny Ainge. I really do think that this is the worst draft ever.
9:28 - The Spurs take James Anderson. That's a solid pick. Mr. Ace is still a fag. Oooh, Bledsoe to the Clips. Good deal for them.
9:30 - The Hornets via OKC again take Craig Brackens. Apparently, he's an avid skateboarder. I already hate this large black man. Wait a minute, does OKC or NOLA get the Clips future first rounder for Bledsoe? Because that could be a top 5 pick. 9 more picks...I can do this!
9:34 - STOP SHOWING PREVIEWS FOR THAT SHITTY NEW TOM CRUISE MOVIE!!!
9:36 - The Blazers take Greg Oden's penis...or Elliot Williams from Memphis. Speaking of, did anyone watch Memphis Beat on TNT this week? Eh, it doesn't look very good and whoever thought that the virgin dorky kid from Road Trip could pass as a cop should be killed.
9:39 - The Timberwolves are picking again? Jesus, these guys must really suck. They take Trevor Booker. He played for Oliver Purnell so you KNOW he's good.
9:43 - I wish that the Cavs had at least one pick tonight. I enjoyed the last two drafts rooting for them to not take KoKo or Byron.
9:45 - The Hawks take Damion James. I'd rather be masturbating right now. Minnesota just added another pick in this draft...I hate the T-Wolves.
9:50 - The Grizzlies take a bar of soap for Marc Gasol or some Jones fella from USF. He's a better player than he is an athlete says Bilas. Personally, I would rather have a team full of good players than a team full of good athletes. But what do I know? Everything. I know everything.
9:53 - Charles Barkley and Taco Bell are a perfect match.
9:55 - The Thunder take Quincy Pondexter and I'm running on fumes. Somebody draft Tim Tebow!
9:58 - Pondexter is apparently a ballerina. I'm sure Oklahomans are going to embrace this homo.
10:00 - Why aren't any good teams drafting tonight anyway? Every time Stern goes to the podium, it's for terrible teams picking meaningless players. Needs more Kosta Koufos. The Nets take Jordan Crawford but he's going to the Hawks. Jordan and Jamal Crawford together, huh? Are they related? Both are ballhogs and black! Bilas says that Crawford is good at putting it in the basket. Delightful.
10:05 - God dammit, the Grizzlies are up again. This is getting ridiculous. The Knicks are apparently hosting a dinner party for LeBron on July 1st. The entertainment for the evening will be Isiah Thomas playing the game "See How Many Pills I Can Swallow". I'm terrified that the Bulls are going to snag LeBron. I am not worried at all about the Knicks.
10:08 - OHHH, this is the pick that Memphis got for Pau Gasol. That worked out very well for them. They take Gravy Vasquez. I love this guy as a player but someone get him a tube of ProActiv. His pizza-face is fucking disgusting. And yeah, Gravy was the first guy to come from the crowd to the podium. It wasn't as funny as I hoped it would be. Grizz are making some good picks tonight.
10:10 - TWO more picks and I'm done. I wonder if Orlando can draft Vince Carter a pair of balls?
10:12 - The Magic take Daniel Orton. When you can get a guy that averaged 3 points and 3 boards in college, you should always take him. I hope he's got a strong jaw because his only job for the next three years is to eat Dwight Howard's elbows in practice.
10:14 - This last pick should have been the Cavs had they not traded for Jamison. Considering that the two best players on the board are Alabi and Whiteside, I would say that that was a good deal. Maybe the Wiz will take Christian Eyenga with this pick.
10:16 - Does anyone find Seth Meyers funny? He's awful. That being said, he is perfect for hosting a pointless show like the ESPYs.
10:18 - The Wizards send me home by taking Lazar Hayward from Marquette. Eat shit. Bilas says that he has good catch-and-shootability. Thanks for that shitty term, Jay.
Duuuuuuude, this was painful. I apologize if it sucked but I meant well. The NBA Draft is usually fun, dammit. I'll be back on fucking Monday with part 2 of Full Moon.