Monday, May 03, 2010

Worst Mentor Ever

("First lesson, Dez. Place your dick here and the rest will take care of itself.")

Well, I managed to survive Rex's wedding reception on Saturday. His whole "cash bar" rumor was just that and I was not the only one who got fooled. You had me going there, homos. I was nervous as shit about that. Fortunately, I was able to destroy the open bar like Dez Bryant's grandmother at a coke buffet. Speaking of which, I touched on Bryant's controversy on Friday but more details have come out and I want to get into it more today. Needless to say, this guy is going to fail miserably and here is why.

Last week, everyone was pissed at Dolphins GM, Jeff Ireland, for asking Dez if his mother was a prostitute. It seemed extraneous at the time and felt like it was just a rich white guy poking fun at a poor black kid for having a shit life as a kid. It turns out that the question was completely justified and absolutely not random at all. Dez said that his dad was a pimp. He said that his mother worked for him. Isn't "was your mother a prostitute" the next logical question to ask here? Everything that Bryant apparently said lead up to that question! What Ireland did was absolutely the right thing to do and Dez is a fucking moron. Who the fuck would say "my dad was a pimp" in the middle of a job interview anyway??? He deserves to be in Dallas.

Even someone as stupid as Jerry Jones realizes that this kid could be a disaster. Which is why the Cowboys want someone (other than Deion) to take Dez under their wing and help him adjust to life as a professional athlete. The Double Goddamn J has already unretired #88 for Bryant...why not go balls to the wall and have Michael Irvin be Dez Bryant's mentor!!!

I'm not sure who thinks that this is a good idea but this is happening. I mentioned awhile ago that I've read "Boys Will Be Boys" which chronicles the rise and fall of the Cowboys dynasty. It's basically 400 pages of Emmitt Smith was a conceited asshole, Barry Switzer was a joke, and Michael Irvin was the worst person in the world. Allow me to give you Irvin's resume as a productive human being.

*In March 1996, Irvin was arrested on charges of cocaine possession at a hotel party celebrating his 30th birthday, which featured Irvin showing up to court in a full-length mink coat.
*In 1998, Irvin was involved in a bizarre incident during training camp when he allegedly inflicted a two-inch cut in the neck of Dallas guard Everett McIver (with a pair of scissors) while some team members were getting haircuts.
*Was the kingpin behind the "White House" fiasco in Dallas which was pretty much just a place for the Cowboys to do drugs and participate in orgies after practices.
*Irvin sustained further damage to his reputation in 1996. Media reports stated that Irvin and teammate Erik Williams had sexually assaulted a Dallas woman, Nina Shahravan, and, with a gun to her head, videotaped the interaction.
*A year following his retirement from the NFL, Irvin again was arrested on drug possession charges.
*Irvin was pulled over in Plano, Texas, for speeding on November 25, 2005. Irvin was arrested on an outstanding warrant on an unpaid speeding ticket in Irving, Texas, but was also cited for misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia after police searched his car and found the marijuana pipe, and plastic bags with marijuana residue.
*On July 4, 2007 Irvin was accused of sexual assault while he was at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Ft. Lauderdale.
*During a November 2006 radio interview on the Dan Patrick show, Irvin joked that Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo's athletic ability may have been due to African-American heritage, and made references to Romo's maternal relatives being involved with "slave brothers".
*He participated as a Pro in the shitty Spike show, "Pros Vs. Joes".

Doesn't it seem like Irvin should have a mentor? He is still getting into trouble as if his rotten life has not taught him anything. Why would Jerr-ah even think about asking him to help his new toy? Because he's fucking insane? Oh, I see. Would you go to OJ for marital advice? Ted Kennedy's ghost for issues with hookers? Billy Martin for alcohol addiction? No, but Jerry would send his young gun to one of the scummiest scumbags that the NFL has ever seen.

Michael Irvin has a protege. The only good thing that could come from this relationship is if Dez Bryant starts telling Ovaltine jokes. The jar is round. The mug is round. They should call it "Roundtine".

9 comments:

Grumpy said...

Michael Irvin mentoring anyone will have me laughing all day.

GMoney said...

I would also compare that relationship to Peter King helping me with this blog.

Anonymous said...

--G$.....always good to see the "Napoleon Maffia"...looks like you enjoyed yourself this weekend..now it's back to the shitty 23-1 and 18-0 baseball DH'ers that you have grown so fond of!!!

--BTW..in case you weren't aware, and going totally off topic..JOEY VOTTO is one of the 10 best players in MLB right now.....just giving you a heads up!!

--LWM

Mr. Ace said...

Joey Votto is going to get deported when he goes to Arizona.

Michael Irvin is a class act. I bet Dez Bryant's mother was a regular at "the white house."

GMoney said...

Ace, I never thought of that. I never made that connection. Maybe Irvin is Dez's pimp father? Did I just blow your mind?

Anyone in the C-bus area interested in a round of golf this coming weekend? I'm not umping (yet) and am looking forward to unleashing the power slice sooner than later.

Anonymous said...

When they first broke the story about what Dez Bryant was asked in his interview with the Dolphins, I knew there had to be a logical explanation for him being asked that question. A question like that does not come out of nowhere. Although Jeff Ireland has apologized for it, I agree that he was justified in asking it. He was potentially going to invest millions in this guy over a number of years. If I were in his situation, I would want to know everything about him, including the occupations of his parents/influences. Having a pimp and prostitute as your father and mother would raise some red flags to me about your character. The media blew this way out of proportion.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

Shut up LS, you racist.

Tony B. said...

On the way back from Tahoe this weekend I was reminded of all your Browns fans as the car next to was a VW Beetle that was painted like a Browns helmet. The catch is, that it also had white pipes going from the roof to the hood to form a facemask! I was beyond pissed that I wasn't able to get a picture. I didn't realize there were any Browns fans in NorCal let alone one that would turn their car into a Browns helmet.

I like the Michael Irvin is Dez Bryant's father theory. We need to grow that rumor somehow.

GMoney said...

Tony, it was probably Drew Carey! And never underestimate how retarded the Browns Backers are nationwide.