("First lesson, Dez. Place your dick here and the rest will take care of itself.")
Well, I managed to survive Rex's wedding reception on Saturday. His whole "cash bar" rumor was just that and I was not the only one who got fooled. You had me going there, homos. I was nervous as shit about that. Fortunately, I was able to destroy the open bar like Dez Bryant's grandmother at a coke buffet. Speaking of which, I touched on Bryant's controversy on Friday but more details have come out and I want to get into it more today. Needless to say, this guy is going to fail miserably and here is why.
Last week, everyone was pissed at Dolphins GM, Jeff Ireland, for asking Dez if his mother was a prostitute. It seemed extraneous at the time and felt like it was just a rich white guy poking fun at a poor black kid for having a shit life as a kid. It turns out that the question was completely justified and absolutely not random at all. Dez said that his dad was a pimp. He said that his mother worked for him. Isn't "was your mother a prostitute" the next logical question to ask here? Everything that Bryant apparently said lead up to that question! What Ireland did was absolutely the right thing to do and Dez is a fucking moron. Who the fuck would say "my dad was a pimp" in the middle of a job interview anyway??? He deserves to be in Dallas.
Even someone as stupid as Jerry Jones realizes that this kid could be a disaster. Which is why the Cowboys want someone (other than Deion) to take Dez under their wing and help him adjust to life as a professional athlete. The Double Goddamn J has already unretired #88 for Bryant...why not go balls to the wall and have Michael Irvin be Dez Bryant's mentor!!!
I'm not sure who thinks that this is a good idea but this is happening. I mentioned awhile ago that I've read "Boys Will Be Boys" which chronicles the rise and fall of the Cowboys dynasty. It's basically 400 pages of Emmitt Smith was a conceited asshole, Barry Switzer was a joke, and Michael Irvin was the worst person in the world. Allow me to give you Irvin's resume as a productive human being.
*In March 1996, Irvin was arrested on charges of cocaine possession at a hotel party celebrating his 30th birthday, which featured Irvin showing up to court in a full-length mink coat.
*In 1998, Irvin was involved in a bizarre incident during training camp when he allegedly inflicted a two-inch cut in the neck of Dallas guard Everett McIver (with a pair of scissors) while some team members were getting haircuts.
*Was the kingpin behind the "White House" fiasco in Dallas which was pretty much just a place for the Cowboys to do drugs and participate in orgies after practices.
*Irvin sustained further damage to his reputation in 1996. Media reports stated that Irvin and teammate Erik Williams had sexually assaulted a Dallas woman, Nina Shahravan, and, with a gun to her head, videotaped the interaction.
*A year following his retirement from the NFL, Irvin again was arrested on drug possession charges.
*Irvin was pulled over in Plano, Texas, for speeding on November 25, 2005. Irvin was arrested on an outstanding warrant on an unpaid speeding ticket in Irving, Texas, but was also cited for misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia after police searched his car and found the marijuana pipe, and plastic bags with marijuana residue.
*On July 4, 2007 Irvin was accused of sexual assault while he was at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino in Ft. Lauderdale.
*During a November 2006 radio interview on the Dan Patrick show, Irvin joked that Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo's athletic ability may have been due to African-American heritage, and made references to Romo's maternal relatives being involved with "slave brothers".
*He participated as a Pro in the shitty Spike show, "Pros Vs. Joes".
Doesn't it seem like Irvin should have a mentor? He is still getting into trouble as if his rotten life has not taught him anything. Why would Jerr-ah even think about asking him to help his new toy? Because he's fucking insane? Oh, I see. Would you go to OJ for marital advice? Ted Kennedy's ghost for issues with hookers? Billy Martin for alcohol addiction? No, but Jerry would send his young gun to one of the scummiest scumbags that the NFL has ever seen.
Michael Irvin has a protege. The only good thing that could come from this relationship is if Dez Bryant starts telling Ovaltine jokes. The jar is round. The mug is round. They should call it "Roundtine".