Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Those Damn Mormons Strike Again

(AHHHHHHHHHHH, MORMONS!)

Let's say your college football team's all-time leading rusher, after just three seasons, wanted to return for his senior season. Then let's say your college football team denied that player the opportunity to come back because he broke the Code of Conduct. The exact conduct that disallowed the player from returning is not mentioned in detail. What would you guess his actions must be for him to not be allowed back on the team, or back at the university? Child molestation? Seventh DUI? Child Porn Producer? Meth lab technician? Face fucking an on-duty campus policeman?

Well, if you guessed coital act with your girlfriend then you are correct. Harvey Unga is BYU's leading rusher after rushing for over 1,000 yards a year in his first three seasons. Last month he unexpectedly withdrew, supposedly to avoid punishment for breaking the Latter Day Saints honor code at BYU. Turns out his girlfriend/fiancee withdrew also. It's pretty obvious he was banging his girlfriend and she likely got pregnant. On any other campus it is a requirement for the top football player to get at least four women pregnant throughout their tenure--and punching at least two in the stomach to avoid being a father. Well, BYU isn't just any college campus.

I know that a person has to choose to go to BYU so they should accept the consequences, that's fine. But I just want to point out how fucking insane this honor code is and see how many of you would have enjoyed attending college there.

Would any of you have enjoyed attending a school that had a dress code like this?
Men: A clean and well-cared-for appearance should be maintained. Clothing is inappropriate when it is sleeveless, revealing, or form fitting. Shorts must be knee-length or longer. Hairstyles should be clean and neat, avoiding extreme styles or colors, and trimmed above the collar, leaving the ear uncovered. Sideburns should not extend below the earlobe or onto the cheek. If worn, moustaches should be neatly trimmed and may not extend beyond or below the corners of the mouth. Men are expected to be clean-shaven; beards are not acceptable. Earrings and other body piercing are not acceptable. Shoes should be worn in all public campus areas.

Women: A clean and well-cared-for appearance should be maintained. Clothing is inappropriate when it is sleeveless, strapless, backless, or revealing; has slits above the knee; or is form fitting. Dresses, skirts, and shorts must be knee-length or longer. Hairstyles should be clean and neat, avoiding extremes in styles or colors. Excessive ear piercing (more than one per ear) and all other body piercing are not acceptable. Shoes should be worn in all public campus areas.
Based on dress code alone I would have been kicked out on the first day. No fucking beards? I shave once every two weeks at the most. But that's not even the worst of it. G Money has commented several times that BYU has the hottest cheerleaders on earth. Click the link and look at all that slam piece potential. Apparently there dress code doesn't apply to cheerleading skirts, but can you imagine having to watch ladies like that walking around all day not even being allowed to show their knee or elbow, let alone bulging cleavage and ass cheeks. Strike 1, BYU.

Now take a look at the rest of this Honor Code:
Be honest
Live a chaste and virtuous life
Obey the law and all campus policies
Use clean language
Respect others
Participate regularly in church services
I don't know entirely what chaste and virtuous life means, but I can tell they suck, unlike the ladies at BYU--ZING! "Be honest." I would honestly blow my face off if I had to spend more than one hour in the state of Utah. "Respect others." Fuck that, fags. "Use clean language." Umm...fuck that, fags. "Participate regularly in church services." I would rather fuck myself in the ass with Steve Young's dildo. Strike 2, BYU.

Then, they just cross the line:
Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee, and substance abuse.
So you're telling me I can't fuck, even though I am surrounded by smoking hot coeds. I can't curse, even though everything about the school pisses me off. And I can't grow a beard, yet there is really no reason for me to shave since I can't fuck. You pile all this on top of me and think you can take away booze? Get fucked. I would need 12 Cobra's a day just to stop me from going all Charles Whitman up in that bitch. Game over, BYU.

Why would an 18 year old pay money to attend a University like that? And if most of the students really follow these rules then why haven't they won five National Titles? Seriously. You don't have shit else to do. You can't harm your body with drugs and alcohol. You can't chase tail. You would think that BYU would be some type of robot/alien army that destroys any team that gets in its way, kind of like Village of the Damned.

Think about all of your greatest college memories--or lack or memories-- and then think about what college would have been without them. Yeah, you just realized what it would be like to go to BYU.

18 comments:

Grumpy said...

I'm just surprised that someone with the intellect of a slug made a Charles Whitman reference.

Anonymous said...

Hell, knowing the memories that I have from going to an undergrad institution that is on the opposite side of the spectrum of BYU, I would not even let my kids go to BYU. I have great respect for someone who has the devotion to do what the devout Mormons do, but you don't have to take away all the experiences that form a young man or woman.

On a slightly related note, unless you are a recovering alcoholic or you have strong religious convictions that prohibit it, I do not trust anyone who does not drink or swear (only applies to religious conviction people). If they are willing to make themselves that much "better" than those around them who choose to do that activity, then they would be that much more likely to throw those people under the bus. Just my opinion.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Way to take the Mormons to task here! I approve.

I know their philosophy on shorts, but how does Joseph Smith feel about jorts?

Funny, I once read an article about Rick Majerus and his recruiting tactics at Utah. They brought a kid in and they were having lunch. They asked if the kid wanted something to drink and he said a Coke. They said that the only options they had were milk and water. Seriously.

Why would anyone go to BYU indeed.

Anonymous said...

--I have a hard time figuring that Jim McMahon followed those guidelines. It's only fitting that a fag like Steve Young went there.....

--LWM

Mr. Ace said...

Not even Tim Tebow was lame enough to go to BYU.

I bet that half the people that attend BYU become serious drug abusers when they leave and enter the real world. Kinda like when parochial school girls go to public school, they are the first ones to turn whorish.

Tony B. said...

Mr. Ace, you forgot about all the fun stuff they get to do! They have arts and crafts time to make macaroni shakers. They sit around and tell tales of how much it hurts to lie. Lastly, you forgot about face painting family night!

Anonymous said...

I would never have gone to college if it meant going to a school like BYU.


--Drew

GMoney said...

Tim Tebow is a Christian, motherfucker! Implying that he could have been a mormon is fightin' words!

You're right, Ace. Look at Danny Ainge. HUGE crack dealer in the Boston area.

Tony, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!

Anonymous said...

Brainwash at its finest. How pissed would you be if you followed all of these rules, only to die and find out its all bullshit!

What's even worse than this is the religious freaks that stand on campus on gamedays with signs like "you can't get in to heaven with a beer in your hand" or "you're going to hell, queer." I think I was with Ace when we saw them. Who are they to judge Ace for being queer? Who did they talk to or what did they do to be able to judge someone else based on religion? Its all brainwash.


Dut

Anonymous said...

Who has ranked them as the hottest in the land? I count like 3 hot girls and 2 decent girls. There has to be a better line up in the sec or something.

There are much worse colleges out there than byu. I know of a few small schools that have curfews and they aren't even allowed to play with cards. Talk ablout NO fun at all.

J Saul

GMoney said...

I ranked them #1 and I stand by it. Maybe it was the shock or maybe it's just because they are ridiculously hot. I mean, southern girls are supposed to be smoking hot. Mormons are supposed to look like Big Love and that show is terrible.

Anonymous said...

Dut....two thumbs up to your post.

I had a couple Mormon bitches in my high school. They were pretty hot girls too...obviously none were too popular because they weren't whores though.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

G Money, Mormons are Christians, you ass hole. They're just a little dumber than the rest.

Dut, your uncle is the one who is going to fry in a vat of vaseline and gerbils.

J Saul, I'm sure there are worse college's out there, but none as large as BYU... Jerry Falwell was the founder of Liberty!!! And it's no coincidence the college is located in Lynchburg.

Anonymous said...

Probably because BYU has one of the best business programs in the country ( #1 accounting, #11 by recruiters )
It's like making fun of the nerd, and at the end of the day they are making all the billions of dollars living the life. BYU is a serious school and you can see that. BTW I have tons of Mormon friends, they have as much fun as any one else. They just live to different standards. I'm out.

Anonymous said...

Just for the record, I really seriously hope that you mature a little, Mr. 'G Money'. I mean really, does it feel good to curse that much, have a dirty sex filled life? Does it feel good to laugh about punching women in the stomach? My goodness, I hope that one day your mother gets to you and you realize that by speaking the way you do, you're disrespecting your entire family, your ancestors, and your future children. Do you really want to be this set example your children look up to? I hope you find the light someday and you find out just how stupid you look right now.
You may be living all high and mighty, but someday I hope you realize how foolish your life has been. Smack yourself, no seriously and wake the heck up out of your sinful dream.
What do you have to live for? Drugs? Sex? Alcohol? Is that really what you want to be doing your entire life? You know that you have more purpose then that. So why do you live your life up to look like such a fool?
So you are dissing the mormons. Ah, well that makes you look cool. Heads up: "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven." -Matthew 5:10-12. Call me a bible thumper, a silly mormon, I'll bow and say "Bless you."
God still loves you, despite if you care or not. You may laugh at this post again and again. But, I know, you will be judged for your sins. But, there is still time for you to change. Pray sir. Ask for forgiveness. The Lord still loves you, you are still a child of God. And if I'm the only person strong enough to tell you that, so be it.
God Bless you.

Anonymous said...

What a bunch of bigots! Do yourself a favor and get a grip on your emotions before you enter into the real world. Utah rocks, BYU is a fantastic school and oh by the way their tuition is cheap! And they don't spend hours a day teaching about global warming and how everyone should be homosexual or die.

Anonymous said...

What is wrong with being respectable, honest, chaste, and taking care of yourself by not smoking or drinking? How does sleeping around make you happy? How does getting wasted make you happy?

Wow, I can't believe I just spent 10 minutes reading this. I feel sick to my stomach from all of the horrible, completely ignorant, comments that have been made.

I will tell you just one thing. Going to BYU was THE BEST experience of my life. I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ Mormons are annoying. That's some funny shit though.