Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Through The Urethra

Hell hath no fury like Mr. Ace scorned. You may remember back in December G Money did a little fake interview with my lovely fiance, Mrs. Ace. Essentially, G Money threw me under the bus because we made a post about commenter Dustin that was found offensive by his family...pussies(I have since heard from Dustin that he made it all up and his family never read it). In order to patch things up--and continue his mustache rides from Dustin's favorite uncle-- he blindsided me with that hitjob. I felt like Carlito when Benny Blanco got Pachanga to turn on his one time partner. Then Friday, for no good reason, he attacked my love for horse racing and the greatness that was Mine That Bird's Kentucky Derby romp. I can't tolerate that shit from a soulless ginger.

So I interviewed someone very close to G Money. Somebody who has experienced the same mistreatment and abuse that I have. Okay, someone who has experienced far worse mistreatment and abuse than I ever have.

Mr. Ace: Well, I'm not really sure how we are supposed to do this. Umm, hows it hangin'?
G Money's D: What do you think? I'm sitting on top of some sweaty balls and a grundle that stinks like Funions. It fucking sucks.
ACE: Sucks to be you.
GMD: You're fucking right it does. You don't know the shit I have been through.
ACE: Well, that's why I'm here at 4:00am while G Money is passed out. I want to hear your side of the story and all the terrible things G Money has put you through.
GMD: Are you sure you want me to go there?
ACE: You're goddamn right I do.

GMD: G Money is the Pol Pot of genital abuse.
ACE: He beats you with electrical cords and shoves shit in your mouth?
GMD: Basically. I have been forced to plow through so much pre-pubescent school boy ass I should be the fucking Pope.
ACE: That's disgusting. I mean, if you're gay that's cool, but sodomizing young boys isn't something I can get behind.
GMD: I'm not gay, he is.
ACE: When it comes down to it you are actually the one who is burying your head into fecal matter.
GMD: You don't understand. G Money is a bit of a masochist. He gets great pleasure from inflicting pain on me.
ACE: Yes...
GMD: He dresses me up in a Redskins helmet and puts out cigarettes on me while reading message board threads like this. If I ever meet Daniel Snyder I will piss all over him.

GMD: Do you know what his pregame ritual is for Cavs games?
ACE: A couple LeBomb James?(btw, when you google lebomb james the money shot is at the top of the list)
GMD: That is part of it. But after he gets all boozed up he jerks it to watching this clip over and over again.
ACE: So. You just got done telling me he puts out lit cigarettes on your shaft. That can't be worse than getting jerked to Craig Ehlo.
GMD: But before the jerking starts he stuffs my piss hole with baby powder and then when the moment finally comes... POOF, I burst out a cloud of baby powder, instead of baby batter.
ACE: Seems like a great form of contraception and one of the greatest ejaculations I've ever heard of.

ACE: But what does this have to do with you sodomizing children? Somewhere we got off track.
GMD: Oh yeah. You know how sometimes G Money will mention in a post that he ran a couple miles that day or worked out recently?
ACE: Yeah. I've never believed it, but who gives a shit.
GMD: Well, it's not a complete lie.
ACE: Quit dancing around the issue and just fucking say it, dick.
GMD: His idea of exercising is cramming some GHB down my urethra and downing a bottle of Viagra. Then he heads down to the local playground and chases around little kids with a raging boner.
ACE: That's weird...but seems like great exercise.
GMD: Then when the kid finally falls he uses me, all drugged up and open for date rape, to hump the kid into submission.
ACE: How do you live with yourself?
GMD: Do you think I feel good about poking little kids eyes out? I don't. But it's the price I pay for being connected to this malcontent.

GMD: That's not even the worst of it.
ACE: What could be worse than face fucking children on a public playground?
GMD: You know what a fleshlight is, right?
ACE: Yes, I am familiar with this tool.
GMD: Well G$ decided to create his own.
ACE: Let me guess. A piece of PVC lined with shards of glass and steel wool.
GMD: I wish. He made this thing he calls the JeteRod. Named after Jeter and A-Rod.
ACE: Is it like a blow up doll with the face of A-Rod and the ass of Jeter?
GMD: That's really weird that you would guess that. It's actually two fleshlights fused together. There is a mouth with A-Rod's face taped over it and an ass with a picture of Jeter's ass taped over it.
ACE: That's disturbing.
GMD: Yeah, but now he has that dog. Poor Alex. Now instead of penetrating moist rubber while watching Game 6 of the World Series, I am pushing in kibbles and bits.
ACE: Mike Vick just called PETA.

10 comments:

GMoney said...

Hey asshole, of course you have to get behind kids if you want to sodomize them correctly.

I had a feeling that something like this was coming today. I was checking the dashboard up until midnight waiting to get a sneak peek but nothing was there. Good job hiding this. I just assumed that we were going to get something awful like Tony Parker's eulogy today.

Grumpy said...

Confirming what we suspected about G$ all along. Ace, although otherwise a douche, you do great interviews.

Anonymous said...

G$- you're nasty! Almost as nasty as Jose Valverde last night!

Dut

GMoney said...

Even after sending me two texts, you still want to talk about Valverde???

I'll say to everyone what I said to you last night, "We didn't want to ruin your tribute to that dead queer of yours".

Anonymous said...

What's gross is that I had to picture all that stuff while reading it. But the double sided Flesh light with cuts outs was a pretty funny image.

Go Tigers, I knew I drafted Valverde for a reason, here I come 6th place!!!!

J Saul

Drew said...

G$'s dick sounds like a real loser.

Valverde basically took a shit on the Yankees last night. Phil Coke came in to shut em' down too!

Mr. Ace said...

I figured you would be trying to see what I was doing after I made the threat Friday. Tony Parker doesn't deserve a eulogy.

Grump, you better watch it or your old balls are next.

Dut, no more fucking Tigers talk. You uncle fucker.

Drew said...

Redskins bringing in Brian Westbrook for a tryout. If he signs with them...the Ace/G$ Eagles/Redskins games will be even bigger death matches.

GMoney said...

Portis, LJ, Parker, and now potentially Westbrook? Best 2005 Madden backfield ever!!!

A New Experienced Me said...

"Portis, LJ, Parker, and now potentially Westbrook? Best 2005 Madden backfield ever!!!"


If you mash all of these guys into one body maybe you can get a whole healthy running back on the field.