Monday, May 10, 2010

The Monday Hump

(You can't start a week off right without a steamy dose [and timely reference] of Terry Schiavo!)

Every Wednesday back in 2007-2008, we here at The Money Shot ran down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results were delightful. We are bringing it back (again) today because, to be honest, nothing is really inspiring me on this Monday morning. So how about a handful of stupid jokes/observations instead?

This week, the "Unwritten Rules" Edition.

*This series is going to give me a heart attack - The Cavs/Celtics series has been quite interesting. I wish that I could just sit back and enjoy it as opposed to biting my nails and screaming, "TONY ALLEN IS FUCKING TERRIBLE!" at the TV. The Cavs were perfect on Friday night in their ass beating and Rondo played one of the best games you'll ever see yesterday. I will give credit when it's due and he has been amazing. He deserves a better player than Paul "Gravy Blood" Pierce. Iceman is right, there is no pro athlete with a worse body than Pierce. He is so gross. He has no muscle, it's all Jello. We're all square through 4 now but I'm not worried. They won once in Cleveland, I don't see it happening again. The other three series? Horrendous. This is the only one that deserves any attention. The Spurs suck, the Jazz are out of gas, and the Hawks couldn't win the NCAA tournament right now. I really would like to punch Ray Allen's mother in the jaw though.

*Another reason to hate the Celtics - During yesterday's game, ABC showed a graphic on Big Baby Davis. It said that he does not want to be called Big Baby anymore but rather "Uno Uno" since he wears #11. I don't know what's worse here, that he is trying to give himself a nickname or that he is copying Ochocinco? A more fitting nickname for this dick might be "Pizzeria Uno". Mmmm, deep dish pizza

*Another example of Tiger Woods' bulge getting him in trouble - Looks like we can all stop caring about golf again since Woods is hurt. A bulging disk in his pants made him quit yesterday. I'm sure that She$ will be happy that I won't be wasting entire days watching golf tournaments this summer. This sort of injury sounds like something that is going to need some time off so everyone can go back to not watching the PGA. And shame on that ten year old shit at Sawgrass for running his mouth to Tiger on Friday. Oooooh, golf rankings smack? How daring of you. If I was Tiger (and one day I will be), I would have told that kid that his dad gives great blowjobs. That would have shut him up.

*Get over it, you perfect sumbitch - Actually, I planned on fileting Dallas Braden today initially since he won't stop talking and overreacting about his sacred unwritten rules. He got pissed off at A-Bomb three weeks ago for running across the mound and is still talking about how he is going to get even. Yeah, that makes sense. Who says shit like this? Now, if he throws at him, he's going to get tossed after four batters! What a fuck-up. But then that fuck-up goes out and throws a perfecto against the second best team in the AL. Way to make me look like a jerk, jerk. But back to his one-sided feud with A-Rod, he needs to relax. Alex has proven over the years that he is not the most intelligent guy in the sport. He probably didn't know about this (I didn't and I've been around the game my whole life). Anyone named Dallas is a faggot anyway. I wonder how much dick juice gets stuck in his soul patch?

*DeSean needs to shut his shit - What is the point of DeSean Jackson talking shit about Don Burgundy now? Publicly talking crap about your former QB who made you look good is something that T.O. would do. And insinuating that the Eagles are just as good with Kevin Kolb back there is insulting and retarded. McNabb had his shortcomings but come on. DeSean Jackson isn't going to be any better without him. Everyone associated with the Eagles are braindead dickfarts.

*The NFL is full of drug addicts - Could this be the eventual downfall of the league? Probably not but if the higher profile names keep getting into bad trouble, it's not going to help. First, the Saints coaching staff is stealing painkillers and having their GM cover it up by destroying evidence. This is clearly a great idea by everyone involved. Now last year's Defensive ROY, Brian Cushing, FINALLY gets busted for 'roids when he's been taking them since his freshman year at USC. I don't know how he kept passing these tests, but he finally got nailed.

In conclusion, week #2 of dog ownership went much smoother. But one thing that I hate is picking up shit. If it were up to me, I wouldn't do it at all. Fuck my neighbors. I can't do that though because I don't want to get yelled at. The missus prefers poop bags but I don't like the idea of having dog shit one thin piece of plastic away from my skin. Yep, I carry around one of those bulky scooper thingies with me every time we walk the 'hood. I don't care how ridiculous it makes me look. I ain't touching shit. And that is sort of ironic since I get my hands dirty here every day.


Grumpy said...

You use a Pooper Scooper? What a weenie.

GMoney said...

Watch your mouth, shit-hands.

Yanks/Tigers starting know it's a big deal when Dontrelle Willis and Sergio Mitre get together.

Anonymous said...

*Cavs will win in 6. LeBron played like pussy down the stretch though.

*Because of that perfect game, Dallas Braden will probably have more shit in Cooperstown than A-Roid it.

*McNabb should have pulled out a "Karim Garcia"-like comment in response to Jackson.

*I wonder if when Dombrowski sees Cashman tonight if he will just point and laugh at him for how he pulled down his pants in the Austin Jackson/Granderson trade. I know I would.


GMoney said...

You are willing to declare winners and losers after a month? The league will figure out A-Jax. There is a reason why we didn't think he could be our fulltime CF of the future.

And get ready because Phil Coke is about to start getting shelled. It's what he does.


I haven't read "The Monday Hump" yet. But I clicked on the link to the site - saw a picture of Terri Schaivo and new it was gonna be a great day.

Mr. Ace said...

The Spurs looked horrible. The Suns second team could make the playoffs in the East.

Rajon Rondo is a beast. I think he might be the next J Kidd.

Did you even read all of D-Jax's comments? All he said was that he felt we didn't lose anything by getting rid of McNabb...what the fuck do you expect him to say? And he's right. Kolb and the young guns are about to blow up.

Why do you pick up dog shit?

GMoney said...

I'm relatively new to the neighborhood. I don't want to be THAT guy yet. Although if I walk him at night, the shit stays where it's initially plopped.

You are correct, I did not read all of DeSean's quotes because I am a busy man. I just assumed that it was some form of unintelligible ebonics and he was taking shots at a Redskin. And now he is dead to me.

Tony B. said...

I don't think NFL drug use will be the death of the sport. People have been caught/suspended and no one gives a shit. Just don't get caught in baseball because that will haunt you forever! People are happy with football players doing it because it leads to harder hits and more fantasy points.

Anonymous said...

G$- what's the reason the Yankees brass didn't think Jackson was the CF of the future? Even when the tigers got him I never heard anything bad about him. I think we can declare winners and losers already. Chalk up another raping by Dave Dombrowski.. Even if the pitchers we got in return continue to blow (except Coke).


Drew said...

"The league will figure out A-Jax". I think he's about to figure out the fucking league. It was also nice to see before he got hurt, that Grandy still hadn't figured out how to hit a lefty.

Phil Coke is the shit.

GMoney said...

Look at all of those Jap fucks that come over. They tear shit up initially and after awhile, pitchers learn how to get them out. Hell, the same thing is happening now with Jason Heyward.

The knock on Jackson was that they didn't think that he could hit at the big league level and he strikes out too much. And if you think about sabre-metrically, when he puts the ball in play, he's hitting well over .400 right now. No one can keep that up. He's a blacker Grady Sizemore and that is absolutely NOT a compliment.

All of these Dombrowski "rapings" sure have led to a ton of on-field success and sell outs!!!

Mr. Ace said...

G Money, what are your feelings about your alma mater being drilled on deadspin recently?

Seems like a bunch of classy individuals.

GMoney said...

Frat boys are fuck-ups no matter what school it is. I read that this weekend and just thought, "why is this on Deadspin? This has nothing to do with ANYTHING that they have ever covered. Are they switching from sports-ish to Greek life?"

Jacob said...

No love for LT raping a 16 year old prostitue being held against her will by a pimp? I thought for sure that would make this headline.

BTW GMoney I owe you a 5 hour energy on the flip side.

Anonymous said...

You're correct, G$. It led to an AL Pennant and competitive seasons, and a HUGE increase in sellouts and attendance. The Tigers were Pirates and Indians esque for 15 years until Dombrowski came here.


GMoney said...

Wow, one pennant in 20 years AND being guys are lucky. This is the same Dombrowski who traded for Gary Sheffield and gave ridiculous money to Bonderman, Robertson, and Dontrelle, right? Yeah, I'm right.

Anonymous said...

GMoney, if you are going to bash Evan Turner for whining to the refs you need to take a good look at Our King he was a complete bitch last night. He should try and get back on defense rather than whine to the refs


GMoney said...

That's what NBA players do though. According to someone as classy as Tim Duncan, Tim Duncan has never committed a foul.

Mr. Ace said...

Don't you dare compare Lebron to the great Tim Duncan.