Friday, May 07, 2010

Let's All Point And Laugh


I don't normally like to take shots at other bloggers because this isn't an easy...well, it's not really a job since the pay is non-existent. Let's call it an activity. It's not an easy activity to form opinions every single day. In case you didn't know, and judging by the hits, you didn't, Mr. Ace used to have his own corner of the blogosphere all to himself. He called it The Toolshed and on 7/3/2010, it will be the one year anniversary of him shutting it down. Thankfully, he came over to the dark side (I like having a day off).

But all that being said, I'm calling him out today for the biggest piece of shit article I've ever read online. You know how Peter King has his MMQB column every Monday and then a few hours later, KSK takes the column and shows the world how stupid and wrong King is? Well, I'm doing the same thing today to a post that Ace wrote on May 4th of last year about the Kentucky Derby. Get ready because this thing sucks.

If there was one thing that most of you don't know about my love for sports, it is that I love horse racing.

Mr. Ace is actually an 80 year old man who still asks for a pony on his birthday every year. He's a heftier and more annoying Lisa Simpson!

Over the last couple years I have begun to follow it even closer, keeping up with who wins the other Derby's and Memorials leading up to the Triple Crown and watching the Traverse Stakes three months after the Triple Crown races are over. I can't explain it, but it just has me fascinated.

The number of people fascinated by horse racing: 3. Hank Goldberg, Kenny Mayne, and Mr. Ace. One of them sweats gin, one is a pretentious and unfunny douche, and the other is Mayne.

I got goosebumps watching Mine That Bird burst past the field at the 1/16th pole. The fact that he was a 50-1 underdog made no difference while watching it, all you saw was one competitor dusting the field and you knew you were watching something special.

Goosebumps from a horse race? Unless you bet on that horse, why the hell would you even care? I watched it...it was not special. It's fucking NASCAR with donkeys!

That win was nothing less than inspiring.

No it was not. That sentence is complete horse shit...pun intended. Is he fucking this horse?

Many of you can't really appreciate how incredible of an upset this really was.

It was a fucking horse. They are supposed to run. I can't appreciate it because it does not deserve my appreciation.

This is Buster Douglas knocking out Iron Mike with one hand tied behind his back.

No it most certainly is not.

This is the 1980 USA hockey team beating the Soviets while playing short-handed the entire game.

Oh fuck you. This is getting absurd. You are fucking that horse, aren't you? If not Mine That Bird, you are definitely butt pirates with Calvin Borel.

This is some Triple A hack striking out Earle Combs, Mark Koenig, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Bob Meusel, and Tony Lazzari without even giving up a foul ball.

Yep, he just compared a horse race to Jeff Szmardjia striking out Murderer's Row. This is why you love me and hate him. This is EXACTLY why!

Think of the biggest upset you have ever thought of and multiply those odds by two, that is what we saw on Saturday.

It was such a big upset that I could not remember who won the race last year! WHO WRITES THIS SHIT???

Eh, I just wanted to bust some balls going into the weekend. Like I said, I don't like going after other recreational writers, but this week Ace said that he would not go to my casino and did not care for me stealing a bottle of champagne off the wedding party table last weekend so fuck 'em! I had nothing else to write about anyway. When in doubt, make fun of horses. Nice shoes, asshole.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Horse racing is great to gamble on, the best story I have about it, is when me and Aballer saw a horse kill itself by running straight into the lightpole. I couldn't stop laughing, it was fucking hilarious. It was awesome seeing a tractor come out and pick the horse up with its bucket. That was comedy at it finest, even though the people around me where giving me evil eyes for laughing at the demise of the horse.

Naptown Wolverine

Mr. Ace said...

I stand by all those statements. A gelding purchased for a couple sticks of bubble gum toasted the derby field at 50-1 odds. That's fucking awesome.

The only sports I would watch before boxing are football, nba playoffs, and boxing.

You have just brought upon yourself the most vile ACEterview in the history of the money shot. Good day, sir.

GMoney said...

You besting me in a war of words would be a bigger upset than David over Goliath!

Mr. Ace said...

David had jesus, it wasn't an upset. Duh.

Anonymous said...

Ace- how would you watch boxing before boxing?

Horse racing is for queers.

Dut

GMoney said...

Here's something to chew on:

Wednesday night, the dog was puking and then eating his puke and then throwing up his re-eaten puke. I was in charge of cleaning up the vomit pile at 4 am. It wasn't runny so I corralled it inside a couple of paper towels and through it in the toilet. Bad idea as the shitter clogged up. Easy problem to fix except that we didn't have a plunger in the house.

How does a guy like me not carry a plunger around with him at all times? Inexcusable.

Anonymous said...

are you and ace done making internet love yet

GMoney said...

What the hell is "internet love"? No wonder you commented anonymously, you aren't funny.

Grumpy said...

I have a new found respect for Mr. Ace. Horse racing isn't called the Sport of Kings for nothing. Go to the track for the real experience.