Thursday, May 06, 2010

Casino Comin' Yo

The voters in Ohio spoke on Tuesday (hopefully for the last time about this) and it has now been decided that the central Ohio casino will be moved to the west side of town (which you and I know is the best side) instead of downtown in the Arena District. This is probably for the better. Columbus hasn't been hammered too badly by the economy but there are some pockets around the city that could use some help. Downtown is not one of them. Downtown is going to be fine for a long, long time. Where the casino is going to be built could definitely use the help. I've said it before, but the Delphi plant on Georgesville and Broad is just sad. I think it used to be a GM plant but now it's just a gigantic dilapidated building in need of some tearing down. And now it will be...finally.

The new site is about 6 miles from the original site and about 5 miles from the Money Mansion. I don't know if this will have a positive or a negative effect on my property value, but it will be nice to have an attraction nearby with hotels and restaurants (currently, the best eatery around that area is a fucking Tee Jaye's which I believe is a black Denny's). The rundown mall on that strip may even see some new businesses coming in, too. Either way, I think that this will only help the area. Well, at least in the short term. Long term, we may be looking at Little Detroit. But I doubt it. There's too much money in central Ohio for this to fail. They say it will be ready to open in late 2012 but I'll believe that when I see it. I will probably be in my 40's before those fucking doors officially swing open.

Which leads me to my topic today: how does G$ capitalize off of this? There will literally be millions and millions of dollars within a dangerous walking distance of me. How am I going to go about getting my grubby paws on that? I came up with ten potential casino-related roles that could give me a greater quality of life than my current blogger/"guy who doesn't work hard" lifestyle. You know, give me some sort of purpose.

1. The Degenerate - I become an expert at blackjack and craps and start winning money hand over fist. The probability of this happening is about 1% as I suck at these games. But I would keep trying because I am a degenerate. I would also burn up all of my vacation days from my real job playing nickel slots...because I suck at games of skill.

2. The Card Counter - Counting cards is illegal eventhough I have no idea how you could get caught doing it. I am way too dumb to become an expert at this but I've got time to learn before they open. When you think of me cheating at blackjack, don't think of The Hangover but think of the asshole who got his hand hammered in Casino. That is my future as a card counter.

3. The Magician - Every casino has some sort of retarded show going on for the guests. Give me two years and I might be able to pull a rabbit from my hat (with a bat and a six four Impala). Although as a magician, I would need to start fucking children and my neighbor's kids aren't very hot. I don't want to do this option. I'll leave the magic tricks to Ed Alonzo.

4. The Dealer - Not the sexiest job at the casino, but the dealer in Vegas Vacation makes it more enticing. Just destroying a man's life one twenty dollar bet at a time sounds like fun. And if that doesn't work out for me, I could always become a crooked dealer. There's always money available for crooked people.

5. The Eye In The Sky - Ooooh, the guys in the surveillance room trying to spot cheaters! That sounds fun to me. I would be beyond shitty at spotting this stuff but it has some power. If Ace walked in, I would totally bust him for something and then smash his head in a vise grip. "HEY, that guy is giving the dealer an HJ under the table!" You can't fool the eye in the sky, fucker.

6. The Pit Boss - Every time I go to a casino, I see this guy and his job looks like it sucks. You don't do anything! Who cares who is "changing $100"? And none of them ever look like Don Rickles. But they command respect and are not to be fucked with. I am never to be fucked with either.

7. The Valet - If I learned one thing from Casino, it's that valets know all. They can get you drugs, get you laid, get you anything you want. But mostly drugs. Even Colombians can't compare to the efficient peddling ways of the valet. And there is good money in the coke trade or so I'm told.

8. The Prostitute - Hey, brotha's gotta eat, too. Those Japanese businessman have some coin to spare!

9. The Muscle - The few times that I was a bar bouncer were outstanding. Especially when I got to throw out the guy who was Brutus Buckeye. That was awesome. Security at a casino would basically be Thunderdome. You get told who is cheating and then are pretty much obligated to beat the man within an inch of his life. Set the tone! Bitch gots to learn! No one messes with Ace Rothstein!

10. The Asshole - If all of those fail (which they will), I could always be the guy standing in front of the casino campaigning against the casino. It is what Tim Tebow would want me to do. Who am I kidding? I could never do this. I like gambling too much.

Oh, I'm full of shit and you see right through this. I know exactly how this is going to go down. I will go there within the first week and win $60-80. I will go again two weeks later and lose $200 vowing not to go back. A month after that, I drop a mortgage payment playing blackjack at 2 pm on a Wednesday. And then I will forget about the place for good only going once a year when someone visits and wants to check the place out. I don't need Miss Cleo to tell me how this is going to play out. It's going to be bad news. Awesome bad news.


Grumpy said...

You're smart enough to learn to count cards. You can move to Upper Arlington or maybe even Whitehall. And there is no hope for Westland or whatever they call it now. Whatever happened to the adult bookstore at the corner of Broad & Georgesville?

GMoney said...

You're probably right about Westland Mall. That place is where you go to die. I think the adult bookstore is still there though.

Mr. Ace said...

First of all, counting cards isn't illegal. Casino's just don't appreciate you improving your odds by doing it so they have the right to kick you out if they think you are counting cards.

And I would never walk into an establishment where you played any kind of security role. I would rather throw bones with Leonard Washington and Grits n Gravy. Click Clack.

Anonymous said...

The Casino has the right to kick you out for anything.

I'm surprised you aren't thinking about taking the Poker stud approach and becoming the next DH (Mom I just won a million dooollaaas). But then wouldn't you have to wear a Green red sox's hat or somethinmg? You can always post up at 5am on Sundays and rape the drunkards.

The West side is where it needs to be. Even though it would probably do better downtown, no one wants it there.

J Saul

Anonymous said...

--If being the security guard tells you anything is that you get to carry a taser gun...and use it!! I would think that would be right up your alley.

--Hell it would be cooler if you could use the taser while umpiring, and instead of putting a coach on the bench..taze him while he is arguring balls and strikes from the third base that would be freakin sweet!!!


Mr. Ace said...

Lawrence Taylor just made a strong push up the banner power rankings. I hope they fry that fucker.

Drew said...

Lawrence Taylor Arrested For Rape In N.Y.

Former New York Giants great Lawrence Taylor was arrested for rape in New York, CBS station WCBS-TV in New York City reported.

Taylor, 51, was taken into custody by the Town of Ramapo police after being accused of raping someone in the Holidome Hotel in Montebello, north of New York City.

Details surrounding the rape have not yet been released other than the location and that it occurred early this morning.

Charges against the Hall of Fame linebacker will be filed once police complete their investigation, WCBS-TV reported.

A news conference is expected later Thursday afternoon, when police will reveal more details.

Taylor is known affectionately by his fans as "L.T." He spent his entire career with the Giants and is considered one of the greatest defensive players in NFL history.

Tony B. said...

Great Skee-Lo reference!

G$, if you don't learn Craps by the time this shit opens then you're officially retarded. End of 2012? That might give you a month or two tops before the end of the world (or maybe this casino will cause the apocalypse?)

Jeff said...

You should get to know some high rollers there (if there are any) and start an underground bookie service for them.

GMoney said...

I never thought about becoming my own sportsbook. Novel idea. Will you collect for me, Jeff?

I'm surprised that LT needed 51 years to force himself on someone.

Drew said...

So it turns out the girl that L.T. raped is 15 years old. That solidifies his banner spot.