(Tony Dungy accepting his Baked Cheetos from PK for being the 2005 Worst Father of the Year)
I can do anything better than Peter King! How about that? Me using a line from Annie Get Your Gun. I am soooo cultured! And gay! Anyway, if you're anything like me and enjoy punishing yourself on Monday mornings, you probably read Peter King's MMQB article at SI.com every week. I don't know why I do it because he can't write at all and is easily the biggest dork on the planet. This week, Petey unveiled his "rankings" for the 2010 NFL season. Why is he doing this in mid-May? Good fucking question. Why does he act like this is the hardest thing to do? Because he is a fat pussy. Why does he think that the Packers are the best team right now even after admitting that their cornerbacks are old as shit and they have almost no pass rush? Your guess is as good as mine.
So I decided to do my own half-assed and pointless NFL rankings 3+ months before the season even begins. Basically, I just want to prove how much smarter, slimmer, and how much better I am at incorporating the word "faggot" in my writing. This is not a prediction post since it would be stupid to do that now. Let's start in the toilet.
32. Buffalo - Needed a QB and some O-Line help so they drafted a RB instead and did nothing to address their glaring issues. Maybe they plan on running the wishbone. They don't plan on winning many games though.
31. Tampa Bay - The defense is probably a year away from being a force but that offense isn't going to score. I wish that Kellen Winslow had been a faggot so that his son would have never been born.
30. St. Louis - Rams rookie WR Mardy Gilyard got mugged in Cincinnati this weekend. Listen kids, when you don't have to be at college anymore, don't hang around college anymore. Only bad things happen. Who isn't pumped for the Little Animal and Barbie Carpenter reunion?
29. Oakland - J-Camp, baby!!! I feel for the guy. He went from a team with zero weapons in the passing game to a team with negative weapons in the passing game.
28. Kansas City - We are 16 games away from seeing Matt Cassel get released.
27. Cleveland - The only good thing that I can say about the Browns is that they have a pretty good running game. That's it. Terrible quarterbacks, receivers, and they just signed Shaun Suisham. Failure.
26. Chicago - I'm telling you, this team is going to be terrible. I expect that by week 7, this team will go into full-blown, "fuck you, Lovie, we're getting you out of here" mode. And Mike Martz blows fags for dimes.
25. Arizona - You lose Warner, Boldin, and your only three playmakers on defense and you replace them with guys like Derek Anderson. Welcome back to picking in the top ten, Cards.
24. Detroit - I'm going to wait and see how they look in preseason, but right now the Lions could be my frisky wild card pick. That front four on defense is going to be a bitch and they are well-coached. Let's wait and see if Stafford's face got any fatter in the offseason before we go sucking each other's dicks though.
23. Jacksonville - Mo-Jo deserves a better team than this. I expect to see David Garrard playing against Daunte Culpepper in the UFL next year.
22. Carolina - Do you believe in Matt Moore? Personally, I think that they should start Clausen right away. The Panthers have the same problem that they had last year. Their starters are outstanding but if anyone gets hurt, they're fucked in the ear.
21. San Francisco - They should have traded for McNabb. They would easily win the West if they had anyone else under center besides Alex Smiff.
20. Seattle - I think that the Seahawks are the best team in that division yet ranked them 20th. Yeah, the NFC West is a dumpster fire. I'm rooting for Pete Carroll because everyone else is not. Pete is the man!!!
19. Denver - Nothing would please me more than to see Josh McDaniels fail and get fired. That would be just the tops.
18. Philadelphia - I refuse to believe that this team is better with Kolb and McCoy than they were with McNabb and Westbrook. And that defense is shit.
17. Tennessee - I am in love with Chris Johnson. I should probably say the same about Vince Young since he might kill himself if I don't. This feels like an 8-8 team.
16. Cincinnati - When will they learn? Let's keep bringing in complete shitheads! That's gold! They aren't making the playoffs again. Palmer is awful.
15. Washington - I still don't buy this team as much as others, but they will be a lot more competitive. The schedule is tough but they improved the two biggest weaknesses on the team: coach and general manager.
14. Houston - Matt Schaub is due to get hurt and he no longer has the protection of The Sex Cannon behind him. Andre Johnson's holdout isn't a good start to the season. Neither is your stud OLB getting popped for going Lattimer.
13. Pittsburgh - I would bet my life on the Steelers missing the playoffs this year. How do they score? Crappy running game, suspended QB, rotten OL, and absolute shit at receiver! But the defense will win them some games, that is inevitable.
12. New York Giants - They've gotten a lot of mileage out of their retard QB. The one annoying thing about the Giants is that they are always competitive. My team will never be able to say that.
11. Miami - Love the direction that this team is trending toward. Tough and physical. No more Ted Ginn drops and replaced him with possibly the best WR in football AND a solid running game to boot? Their coach may be white trash, but this is a good team.
10. New England - The Patriots were shit last season. It's their own damn fault for raising their bar so high. Will they ever bring in a decent RB or is Brady doomed to hand the ball off to stiffs like Kevin Faulk forever?
9. Atlanta - Book it, the Falcons are winning the South this year. I'm calling my shot.
8. San Diego - I just don't trust them. How in the Hell can they bring Nate Kaeding back? The guy clearly sucks.
7. Green Bay - Before we go sucking the nuts out of Aaron Rodgers' shit, just remember that he has never really won anything. He's been in the league for 7 years now. Nothing to show for it except for a stupid beard.
6. Minnesota - Favre is coming back. We know this. That is all that we need to know.
5. Dallas - They needed to replace Flozell and Ken Hamlin this offseason and instead they added a WR whose mother has offered to blow the entire front office. Good call. By the way, is it just me or does it seem like the Cowboys are always healthy? This annoys me. I need to see more career ending injuries in Dallas.
4. Indianapolis - The most predictable team in football. They will win 12 games and the division and they will not win the Super Bowl. We already know how this story ends.
3. New Orleans - They won't catch as many breaks this year. Gregg Williams defenses are always awesome in year one and then they slowly turn to feces. And if anyone gets hurt, you can forget about wrestling Vicodin away from their coach.
2. New York Jets - Just loaded. They got better at every position that they needed to this offseason except for backup RB. Good luck throwing on them. If they get a lead, with that running game and that secondary, game over. Although I wish that Rex Ryan would just keep getting fatter. I like my Rex Ryan's fat like I like my Rob Ryan's batshit crazy.
1. Baltimore - Without question this is the best team in football. They made their defense sick again in the Draft and added Boldin and Stallworth to an already good offense. I'm not saying that Dante is any good, but if you cover him too tight, it will not end well for you. Just ask Mario Reyes. It's aon Joe Flacco's unibrow to get these criminals to the Super Bowl. I think he's ready.
Questions? Comments? Does anyone dare challenge my assertion that the Jets and Ravens are the two best teams in the league this season? Aren't these rankings much more likely than King's? Fucking Ohio U faggot. Nice white streak in your hair. Oh, and don't worry, I'm not going to end this post with some retard story about coffee. Your welcome.