Wednesday, April 21, 2010

This Looks Like A 6-10 Schedule

I'm still on vacation. I don't feel like writing a lot. The comments have been horseshit recently anyway (it's true--you do realize that you all are just as important to this site as Ace and I, right? CONTRIBUTE!). I'm not even going to try some convoluted analogy today. I am lazy and I am sort of getting NFL-ed out. I have seen so many of Jon Gruden's retard segments with draftees on ESPN that I strangled the FedEx guy yesterday. First, an unrelated story and then the breakdown of what appears to be an impossible schedule for Mike Shanahan and the boys this Fall.

Coming from a small town, the County Fair was a big deal growing up. When you were young, you loved the rides and the terrible food. In high school, you walked around for a few hours with rolled up sleeves and tried to intimidate other football players from other schools. In hindsight, it was completely lame but it was done anyway. You needed to look cool and giving the "stink-eye" to kids that you don't know was just par for the course.

Anyway, a few friends and I took badassness to an entirely different level. We would walk around the Fair talking the carnies!!! Fuck them carnival folk. Fuck 'em in the ass. They were all assholes but I will give them credit, they were fun. They would listen to our insults and give it right back. You never wanted to get burned by a carny. That would have been humiliating. So as 17 year olds, one August night, Black and I set out to give it to the 500 pound mastadon running the game with the big hammer that apparently measured strength. It was my turn to burn the Walrus so I Yoda'd her ass.

"My balls, lick 'em"

Out of nowhere, the Mountain running the booth next to the walrus takes a swipe at my shirt. I take off running through the fair. I have no idea why. I did nothing wrong. Sexually harrassing hill-folk is not a crime according to my lawyer friends. But I took off anyway. I run to the other side of the grounds and stop by some friends trying to figure out what just happened. But the Mountain tracked me down without the use of his old huntin' dog and yelled at me from about five feet away in some language only spoken in the depths of Appalachia. I took off again like I was Richard fucking Kimble and there was no way that this asshole was going to catch me. I was in football shape and his blood is thicker than cottage cheese. I eventually get to the parking lot, hid behind some cars, and got the fuck out of there as I had football-imposed curfew anyway.

I found out the following day that the Mountain thought that I stole a prize from the Walrus. No, I just asked her to tea bag me. That is all I wanted. I did not need a stuffed a monkey, just a place to rest my sweaty balls. I've wanted to use this story for months now but could never relate it to anything. So I'm just throwing it against the wall and I KNOW that it's going to stick like a caramel apple.

Speaking of gurgling nuts (I guess it wasn't that hard), YOUR Washington Redskins!!! What a fucking mess. Al Haynesworth is going to get dealt within the next 48 hours. Don Burgundy is campaigning for his mortal enemy to come to town. This just speaks to how terrible Santana Moss is by the way. They keep signing journeyman nose tackles and just traded for uber-bust Adam Carriker (albeit for nothing). And now, the schedule gets released and that's a 6 win year just waiting to happen. If you loved all the primetime games that the Skins had last year, they inexcusably got 3 more this year. We knew that a game against Philly would be a Monday Nighter, but that should be all that a 4-12 gets. Here is how I see the season unfolding.

DALLAS (Sunday Nighter) - Loss
@ STL - Win
@ PHI - Loss (I have said that I will never go watch the Skins in person again, but this would be one of the toughest NFL tickets around and would be interesting to be in the building for Donovan's return)
GB - Loss
INDY (Sunday Nighter) - Loss
@ CHI - Win
@ DET - Win
PHI (MNF)- Win
@ TEN - Loss
MIN - Loss
@ NYG - Loss
TB - Win
@ DAL - Loss
@ JAX - Loss
NYG - Loss

6-10 and that isn't even incorporating the one game each year that Don Burgundy loses that should have never happened (@ Detroit is this year's game). Best case scenario, 8-8. There are 8 guaranteed losses. I've heard people say that the Skins are a playoff team this year. Really? Not with that fucking schedule. This season is already over. My balls, lick 'em.


Grumpy said...

Stick with carny stories and you'll get more comments. And the lame shit from Ace doesn't help.

Anonymous said...

The Skins couldn't beat the Mighty Lions in Detroit last year and they won't this year either.


Anonymous said...

How about the Browns starting off at Tampa and home with KC? I smell a 2-0 start and a playoff push this year. The Inbred are going to be down because of the distractions caused by The Rapist. The Bengals are going to come back to reality this year. The Ravens will be solid, but not great. Playoffs or bust!


Ace said...

Grump, you support Rapists. You shit stain.
Easy Damman, Jake Delhomme is still your quarterback.

I think 6-7 wins is just about right for the Skins.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't call those guaranteed wins, Damman! The Browns were the worst 5-11 team of all time last year. Its hard to make the playoffs with a 90 year old QB and a Muslim as your #1 receiver. However, who needs offense when you have Eric Berry!?

Who runs from a carney!? Were you scared that hed beat you with a blow up hammer that squeaks?


MuDawgfan said...

Who cares about records? I'm more anxious to see what tremendous fake fieldgoals the Skins will introduce this year!

GMoney said...

I would think that without Zorn, the Skins fake field goal arsenal will take a major hit.

I ran out of fear that the carnies would deep-fry me.

Damman, you should know better than this. Terrible franchises should be careful about assuming wins.

KPietsch said...

Great story... As for football, the Steelers are not in much better shape with Ben getting suspensed today.

KPietsch said...

But i'm sure we'll still beat the Browns, sorry Damman.

Anonymous said...

The Browns own the Steelers now, Pietsch. Last year's win over them was the start of something big.

Sort of like how I own the G$FL. Except my domination of the G$FL is slightly more than that of Browns over the Steelers. Ok, it's a terrible analogy. I am more like the Patriots of the early to mid 2000s.